Fatter Then Ever

Friday at the ballgame there was this tall skinny girl with legs up to her neck.  She was long and lean.  Her legs didn't touch and I envied her so much.  I couldn't stop staring but had to do it inconspicuously so no one would notice and think I was a weirdo.  I ate a hot dog.  No beer.  That was it after a day of work snacks only.

Saturday I didn't eat all day except at night when I had a serving of Mac & Cheese and a 1/2 a serving each of greens, beans w/rice, and potato salad.  They were in these little plastic containers and I made sure not to eat too much of each but I really wanted all the Mac & Cheese.  I had wine with it.  That was it for the day.


Sunday I about freaked out to see that I was 120.5 in the morning.  I still had brunch with hubby to get through and it was with a sick combination of dread and desire that I ate more then I should have along with plenty of free flowing champagne.  I knew it was really to be my "last meal."  There just isn't any other choice for me now.  It's now or never.  I ate nothing else the rest of the day.

I've really done it now.  I am at a higher weight then I've been for a whole year and if that's not enough to kick your appetite to the curb I don't know what is.  I guess this is what it takes for me to straighten up and get with the program.  I weighed myself and actually felt dazed for a minute yesterday.  I sat on the bed with this dumbfounded look on my face.  "What's wrong?" hubby asked...because I had this blank yet thoughtful look on my face.  That's what it looked like on the outside but inside I was screaming.  On the eve of my wedding I end up the highest weight I've been in a long time and it's all my fault for being weak, stupid, and lazy. 

I think that some of it is water retention because I start my period next week and I feel like I haven't been having to pee that often even when I drink lots of liquids.  And while I have eaten too much it has not been outrageously so.  Three pounds in one week?  The jeans I wore Friday slid down my butt all day just like before AND I still cannot get all parts of my legs between my knees and my thighs to touch no matter how hard I squeeze.  I can still see my breast bone and the wavy bumps of my rib cage down the front.  So, that means I haven't "blown up" yet but if I don't take action now eventually my body will catch up with that number and that will be very very bad.  I can't let that happen.

My bridal shower is on Saturday so needless to say I won't be eating much until then.  There is something about being fat that just KILLS my appetite like nothing else.  That's the ONLY good thing about this situation.  I am totally freaked out right now by my weight but more determined then EVER to do something about it.  It's time for some serious damage control.