Wannarexic, Pro Ana or Otherwise

I've noticed that Blogger eating disorder blogs are generally very different from Wordpress  eating disorder blogs.  Plenty of blogger blogs post stats, goals and thinspo but I actually haven't come across any on Wordpress that do.  Have you noticed how a lot of bloggers are on one or the other but the two worlds don't seem to really mix?  I actually don't think my blog really fits in anywhere but blogger is the best place for me.

I don't fit in with the "wannarexic" or "pro anorexic" blogs.  First of all, I'm still not really sure what it means to be either but I'd like to think that I'm not nor do I want to be seen that way.  This isn't some fad or something that I'm trying out.  I'm just doing what I've always done and have been for a long time now.  I don't post thinspo (unless you count the VS models) but I am not offended by those who do.  The pics of VS models on my blog could totally be perceived as wannarexic badges but really; it's not just about what they look like it's about how successful they are.  Those models are thin yes; but to me they also represents happiness and success...and that is how I've always wished I could be so thin has become a metaphor for what I want to be.  I post calories and food intake because well, I'm obsessed.  That's part of my problem.   I've always kept a record of my weight and food somewhere and there is nothing bizarre about the fact that I like to keep it all organized in my blog.  I'm also older.  Way too old to have care about my thigh gap so I don't fit in with any teeny bopper pro ana group.  I can't relate.  Plus, I think their thin commandment tips and tricks are totally lame.  If I read one more blog that suggests staying cold to burn more calories or cutting your food into tiny pieces to eat less I'll scream.  Cutting up your food into tiny pieces does not make you anorexic.  I have posted pics of myself but you'd never catch me taking pics of myself and making a video about my journey with Anorexia.  All those you tube videos of girls angling for the camera for maximum rib action and taking pics of their stomachs sucked in and their backs hunched over.  Is the girl in this You Tube Video wannarexic or does she have a true ED?  Her weight never seemed low enough to induce such medical complications but who am I to say? Everyone is different.  It's not for me to say that they are not skinny enough or that they do not have a real eating disorder.  There are many people who suffer from eating disorders who are not emaciated but I think those who do these videos and really don't have an eating disorder are what trivializes the reality of EDNOS.  No disrespect intended to anyone who is so called pro ana; I just don't really understand it.  I personally am not thrilled that I am a slave to numbers.  This is not fun for me but just a part of me that I can't really seem to help.  I do encourage people in their weight loss efforts but I am certainly not out looking for new recruits into the "Ana lifestyle."  It's their life and their blog and weight loss is what they want.  Who am I to say quit losing weight because you are already look just fine?  I do the same thing so I understand that we can't necessarily help this desire for thin.  If I read of a blogger who is mentally and physically not doing well I definitely don't encourage them to keep it up but I do encourage fellow bloggers who are already caught up in this madness to always strive for that balance between thin and healthy.  It makes me sad to see so many wrapped up in this but it's not up to me to change them (nor can I) so I can only encourage and support.

I don't fit in with the eating disorder blogs because I don't have a "real" eating disorder.  Most of those bloggers will crucify you for posting thinspo or triggering numbers.  I do hide over here at blogger because it's where I feel comfortable.  I follow a few Word Press blogs and when I comment I don't leave my blog link for fear of being judged.  I don't fit in with the recovery blogsbecause I still restrict my foods, am generally obsessed with being thin and can't ever be in recovery from an ED I never had.  Plus, I don't want to be accused of "triggering" people who are trying to recover.  I don't fit in with the regular diet and exercise blogs because by most standards my diet is super extreme and I'd actually be embarrassed to talk about what I eat and do amongst those circles.  I think I would be criticized for it and called unhealthy.  It's okay for "normal" diet and exercise bloggers to post intake, exercise and weight goals but when you cross over to the disordered line it's suddenly not okay.  You are labeled pro anorexic and therefore setting a bad example.

I have a non anonymous blog that is filled with mostly rainbows and sunshine.  That's part of me too and depending on where I'm at mentally those things find their way over here too.  But there is also a dark and sad side that often centers around my weight and food that I don't feel comfortable sharing publicly and I like it that I can do that here anonymously without shame.  I seek out bloggers who I feel that I can relate to.  It's been great to have this community.  I do think that most of the folks I interact with here have issues they are dealing with like me and it's not really for me to say if they are "wannarexic" or not.  At least they get me.   And the thing about pro Ana bloggers is that they don't judge.  If you have a passion or an illness as it were for starving yourself thin you are accepted with no questions asked.  My blog definitely represents me.  I'm not trying to be pro anorexic or fake an eating disorder.  I'm just me being me and beyond that I can't really worry too much about what I am perceived as.  I may not fit, but I definitely identify with anyone who struggles with disordered eating behaviors. Wanna, Ana or otherwise.