Barely Maintaining

I had a lovely weekend.  Hubby bought a brand new car on Saturday and has a nice $500 per month car payment to go along with it that he can barely afford.  My stomach dropped when I did the math on that.  For me, I'd say cars are definitely not worth it.  In order to get a car as expensive as he did (which I never will) I'd make sure to save up and put a huge down payment because a high car payment would never fit into my budget.  I also feel kind of bad because if I made more then he could put less towards the joint expenses which would better allow him to afford that car payment.  If only.  He did know what he was getting into though so what else can I do?  He's not used to being broke and I don't want that for him.  Hopefully, he'll actually get the raise at work that is supposed to be coming to him.  That will help a lot.  If he doesn't then I will see if I can squeeze an extra $100 out of my budget for the joint account and reduce his contribution by that much.  It's a beautiful car though.  And has way more features then I could ever figure out how to even use.

I've been maintaining by the skin of my teeth.  Saturday, I don't even know what happened.  Well, actually I do.  It was the chips.  I did have a RF Turkey Bacon sandwich that hubby got me from Starbucks that morning.  My calorie count was so high and I didn't even feel like I ate much but it was the 1 1/2 bags of those mini snack pack (full fat) chips while we were at a BBQ (on top of a burger) and that was all it took.  I didn't gain though and in fact never once did I even feel full or the sensation that I'd eaten too much.  I was so mad at myself for eating that burger.  It wasn't a "real" BBQ.  Just some of hubby's co workers who had drill that weekend.  We were only up there because he was to receive an award.  So when I got home I didn't eat anything else of course.  I didn't feel hungry but my mind was definitely telling me I wanted something to snack on.  Then Sunday I did a ballet exercise video in the morning.  I'm working on toning up and I feel that I did better then I did on it last week.  Then I met my mom for our hour long massage together.  It was so awesome.  So relaxing.  That place is so nice.  I had to focus on the music and my breath just to not think about stuff.  My mind is constantly thinking something and I just wanted to enjoy the moment.  Afterwards was dinner.  I got the Pizza.  I ate bread.  I did without alcohol or dessert and I stopped when I started feeling full.  I was hoping to not gain and by some kind of miracle I did not.  This hardly EVER happens after I eat more then my usual mini meals.  Another thing is that I had a BM two days in a row then the next time I only skipped one day and went again.  Another small miracle.  So going today probably helped me not to gain and I need to consider myself lucky and stay on track.  Hubby on the other hand ate Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, Pie and something else for dinner last and tells me quizzically, I lost a pound.  I don't even know how.  Well, I told him I don't know either but he's lucky and I'm jealous.  I swear.  He looses 20 lbs then even lost an extra pound on top of it without even trying while I'm over here barely maintaining.  Men.

I've really been trying to pay attention to if I'm actually hungry or not.  I ask myself "Are you hungry?"  A lot of times the answer is no.  So then I tell myself okay, then you don't need to be munching on anything.  You are not hungry.  And somehow working through that inner dialogue helps.  Also, I've not been half starved half the time which has helped with the excessive snacking.  When I've reached my snack limit at work and I'm hungry and don't think I can take it anymore I pop in a piece of gum to hold me over.  I'm just trying to eat small portions of real food and then take a true assessment of my hunger level.  I feel like a fat pig a lot of the time.  Like, how are you going to lose weight eating pizza?  It's a battle between not wanting to starve and trying not to deprive myself of too much that I want because that didn't work before and feeling like a fat pig for eating what I do.  This morning I drank a whole water bottle full of water.  I think it's either 16 or 24 oz.  Another miracle.  For some reason this morning I was not craving coffee so I brought some ice water to work with me instead and drank that with my breakfast.  I was craving it which is not unusual but I often I ignore it.  I'm going to the gym for a quickie 30 minute work out after work.  I have no idea what's to be for dinner.

I've mostly been feeling kind of bad about my body.  I pretty much hate it for not cooperating and I feel like it hates me right back.  I feel gross and fat (even though I know I'm really not).  I'm so glad that I dropped down from 117.5 (awful), have been maintaining at 115.5 and am going into a new week where I'm not in damage control mode.  But, it's still uncomfortable for me to be at this weight.  I feel like I want to jump out of my skin a lot and I've had some anxious nights just dreading morning weigh in.  

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I got some great comments on my post about where my blog fits in or doesn't.  Overall, I suppose it really doesn't matter.  K, I also feel too old sometimes!  But, I have found a lot of older (20's +)  here and it's nice to feel that I'm not the only old lady among a sea of youngsters.  I'm glad to be among all of you sharing thoughts about our day to day lives and struggles with eating disorder issues.  And other things too!  All of us are more then just the food we put in our mouths and the numbers we see on the scale.