What's So Scary About Water?

When will I ever learn?  I'm thinking never.  On Monday I was excited that I hadn't gained from dinner out with my mom the night before.  I came into work with my water determined to drink water and stay on track.  I worked out Monday night and the cals were low (way lower then the night before) and gained a whole pound on Tuesday morning so I freaked out, blamed the water and didn't drink anything all day Tuesday.  Literally, nothing.  I didn't even drink my coffee in the morning.  When it was time to go home that day I realized that I had not peed all day.  When I got home and finally did barely anything came out and it was very dark.  Wednesday morning I was up another pound for no good reason.  I was going out to eat with my friend that day so even though I should have been pounding water I was of course to scared to add to my already 2 lbs weight gain so I didn't.  I ate my normal egg beater breakfast and did pretty darn good (well, for me) at dinner.  I got a protein breakfast of egg whites, Turkey Sausage and breakfast potatoes.  All the calories were listed on the menu and believe it or not it was the lowest.  I gave the muffin that came with it to my friend and I only ate 2 pieces of bread out of the bread basket.  I drank almost the whole glass of water and still barely had to go pee that day.  Obviously, it wasn't enough.  My body was probably just holding onto it.  I was down half a pound on Thursday morning after a BM.  I decided enough is enough and I drank up.  I drank my coffee in the morning and brought water to drink at lunch.  I drank the whole thing and by that afternoon I was running to the bathroom and my urine was almost clear.  I went to the gym that night for a quick work out and this morning was down a whole 1.5 lbs.  It's so annoying that I know I have to drink water and refuse to out of an irrational fear.  If I lost weight I don't want to drink water for fear I will ruin my progress.  If I gained I don't want to drink for fear of gaining more.  If I maintained I don't want to drink for fear of messing that up.  I don't like to drink before a meal because I feel like I can't gage my fullness level from food.  Then, I don't want to drink after a meal because I've eaten and feeling too full freaks me out.  Plus, how will I know if it's my real weight or water weight when I get on the scale?  It's ridiculous really.

So I just got back from a Birthday lunch outing with co workers.  We went to this place that only serves pizza.  I got the thin crust and ate half.  Before we left I made sure to drink a whole container of water despite my fears.  And when I came back I immediately had to go pee.  No more food for the rest of the day for sure.

I feel like the biggest pig lately.  Since I hit my breaking-WTF is wrong with my stupid body I can't take this anymore-point I've been allowing myself to eat more because restricting just wasn't working.  I was tired of overeating because every meal out felt like my last (duh, even though it clearly wasn't because every time I turn around there is always something else).  I was getting tired of starving and not ever losing and even gaining so I've been a bit more liberal with my calorie budget.  I'm trying not to let myself get too hungry so that my sweet tooth doesn't get out of control or I end up snacking on junk and leaving no room for nutrition food in the calorie budget.  My calories for the last 3 weeks have averaged 1218, 1087,  1066.  Yes, I did the math with a calculator.   I haven't posted my weekly numbers these last three weeks not because I'm embarrassed of my numbers (okay maybe a little) but because there really isn't much happening with my weight.  It's nothing I'm proud of as I haven't hit my magic number although I can say that I am at least glad to be maintaining in a range that is reasonable.  I am enjoying the food I do eat but it's a mixed bag because at the same time I feel bad about it.  Like,  I'm eating too much.  I actually feel like a fat failure who is overeating for not staying strictly in the 800-900 range.  

Anybody remember me mentioning that I get the feeling that my boss is staring at my thigh gap?  I'm pretty sure she's not staring at my crotch and  I always check to see if my zipper was down or if there was a stain on my pants or something and there never is.   Well, one of my other co workers told me that she had an eating disorder for about 20 years.  We were talking about sizes and clothes and she said my boss had to get rid of all of her tiny clothes that were super nice and expensive because she recovered from an eating disorder.  Hmmm....that may explain some things.  The thigh gap staring.  She's always talking about food (not unlike me).  She says she used to be a vegetarian.  She constantly bakes and then brings it to work so she won't eat it and refuses to take any left overs home.  She is very tall and has sort of a big frame.  Not that she's fat but she's like bigger boned.  She has no ankles; her calves just run into her feet and she's got sort of biggish legs.  She's not fat at all though.  She exercises and does cross fit.  Anyhow, I just thought that was interesting.  And for a second it made me a bit self conscious about all those work lunches where I'd order like a tiny bowl of soup and that's it.