Wish I Were Smarter

So, the car that hubby got is an Audi A4 to answer your question Kitty.  He says he has no regrets whatsoever but we'll see if that changes or not after a couple car payments.  I hung out with my best and oldest friend on Wednesday.  It was so good to see her.  I've known her since 8th grade and she is actually the one who hooked me up with my husband.  She literally gave me the best gift ever.  We met at the mall.  We always shop together.  She is one of those lucky people.  She used to pay her rent off of poker winnings.  She had a ton of cash because she started her vacation out in Vegas.  She can literally pay for her entire trip and even profit just by playing poker.  She bought me a pair of shoes because I was only going to buy one of the two pairs I fell in love with.  I didn't feel so bad when she whipped out $100 bucks cash because I know she won it.  Then I bought us dinner.  I so wished she lived here.  She is the only person in the world besides my older sister and my husband who I can just hang out with.  She's the kind of friend I'd invite over to watch a movie or meet up at Walmart with to go shopping.  I'm so mad at myself because I forgot to take a picture.  She's moving to Alaska and I probably won't see her for 3 years.  She came over after dinner to see our house and see hubby.  I haven't seen her in 2 years.  Not since my wedding in 2010 when I didn't even really get to hang out with her.  It was such a nice visit.  I used to be so jealous of her.  I think it was more that I was so unhappy with myself.  She was always so popular with boys and so outgoing when we were in high school.  Things just always seemed to come so easily to her.  She never had money problems and for a time she didn't even have to work.  She got the nicest wedding ring and I got a piece of crap.  I was in the crappiest marriage ever and hating life.  Then I got divorced and I was broker then ever and I didn't have anyone that would support me while I pursued my interests like she did.  Then she got her degree and landed this awesome government job in a matter of weeks.  Meanwhile, I worked a job I despised for 8 years, applied for more government jobs then I can count without ever even getting an interview and then took a major pay cut when I finally started working where I'm at now.  Everything was always such a struggle for me.

When we got home the scale was downstairs because hubby is mailing something and needed to weigh it.  She had no qualms about stepping on the scale right there in front of us and saying awww...121.5?  I was less at the doctor!  Then she laughed about it.  She is so normal.  I could never EVER do that.  She's about 5'3" she eats whatever the hell she wants.  She is pretty slim; a size 27.  It's funny because she always used to be the tiny one in high school and when I was in college.  I remember the day I could finally fit into her jeans.  The size 25's I was wearing the other day actually used to be hers!  I'd never call her skinny but she looks good and she doesn't really stress over weight or food.  I wish I could be satisfied with normal.  Although, I fear my set weight would probably be way higher then 5 lbs for every inch over 5 feet.

Not only is she naturally a good size she also is super smart.  She messed around a lot after high school.  I went straight to college and she didn't.  I finished my BA by 21 and that was it for me.  It took her a while but she got her BA then she got her Masters and now she's going to be working on getting another.  I don't want a Masters but I really do wish I wanted it.  I just can't do school and work.  I don't have the strength for it nor do I have the faith in myself to make a career move with a Master's that would make it worth my time and money.  I don't take student loan debt lightly.  Plus, it would sort of help if you had some idea about what career you might want to pursue.  I've always been clueless when it comes to that.  She says, well don't you get bored?  Like there is much left after work anyways.  I say no,  I really value my free time outside of work to do nothing.  That basically sums up why I'm not going to amount to much.  I have no ambition.  You can't make yourself have it.  I have one dream left.  The one thing I haven't given up on yet is writing a book and I haven't been putting as much effort into it as I could.  I'm lazy.  I'm determined to do it though...even if it takes me a while.  But really, I don't have much ambition career wise.  I make okay money at my job and it allows me to contribute to our expenses and that makes me feel good.  If we ever want to be well off it's pretty much up to hubby to make it happen.  I do feel badly about that but I am who I am.  He is smart, really good at Math and career oriented.  He can speak in front of people and supervise others.  I don't have that kind of confidence which is why I don't expect to advance very far.  It's a shame that I don't even want kids because I certainly wouldn't be wasting any potential or ambition on being a stay at home mom.  Not that I could be one anyways because we'd need two incomes.

I wish I were smarter.  By no means do I think I'm dumb.  Well, except for Math.  I totally suck at that and there is no changing that.  My strengths lie elsewhere.  I'm fast reader, a good writer and I have a big vocabulary.  At work some of the stuff we deal with gets pretty complicated.  I have a co worker who can hear something, process it and apply it right on the spot and I can't do that.  There are times that I just don't get it right away.  I need to go back to my office and toy with it and then I do but I'm just not as quick thinking on the spot as I wish I was.  Sometimes it makes me feel stupid.  I do like it that I have a job that allows me to use my mind and use critical thinking skills at least.  I just think that if I were smarter I would want to pursue school or want to work on a new career or advancing in the one I'm in.  If I were smarter I would believe in myself enough to do make that extra effort.  As it stands now I really don't believe I have all that much to offer so there seems to be no point.

I'm not so good at losing weight either.  I have drank about 48 oz of water today and have barely peed.  I slacked off yesterday but I'm trying to stick with the whole water thing even though since I lost 2 lbs I've quickly gained it back.  What Shebeelu said makes sense.  If your weight is always your "water weight" then it's consistent.  I know I have to drink water so I'm just trying to power through it even though it's hard.  I actually did pretty good at the BBQ yesterday but the scale was not kind.  I'm totally bloated.  My stomach feels huge.  My weight is like a damn yo yo.  I burned about 600 calories at the gym but even so the weigh in tomorrow will not be good.  I can't bear to weigh myself tonight but I can't skip morning weigh in.  I'm dreading it.