Total Melt Down

I pretty much lost it yesterday.  I ate 1,500 calories on Wednesday.  I wasn't working out.  I figured it would be okay.  I promptly gained 1.2 lbs.  Yesterday I ate 1,600 and I gained .4 lbs more over night.  The scale does not ever go down for me so it's here to stay.  Seriously.  I am going to be a whale.  I don't know what to do.  I get larger and larger and I'm afraid my skirts will stop fitting.  If people haven't noticed yet they will soon.  I broke down to hubby and my mom and told them a little bit more about what I'm dealing with.  They think I'm exaggerating but I still don't want to tell them exactly how much I've gained.  They are guessing 10 because of how upset I am and because my clothes don't fit but it's more and I won't confirm or deny.  I've gained about 10 lbs this year alone.  I cried in the shower and cried some more after that.  I seriously cannot take this.  I want to die, but not really you know?  I just feel so helpless, so scared and so large and disgusting.  I warned hubby that with the way things are going there is a good chance that I may get very big.  I don't know just how big I'm going to get and that there is basically nothing I can do about it.   

I tried to explain it to them.  I eat too little and I gain.  I eat too much and I gain.  Hubby says reduce carbs but I can't reduce carbs and keep cals up at the same time unless I want to eat 1 lb of chicken and over a pound of vegetables per day.  I can't even afford to eat that much chicken a day let alone shove it all in my face.  Eating is pretty awful for me right now.  I'm eating what I'm eating because I have to and yet it's making me blow up.  My mom says, well maybe if you go  back to doing a full hour of cardio?  Well that won't work either because I can't create too much of a calorie deficit or else my body will respond with gain.  They don't understand.  My body does not respond to food or exercise the way it should.  I have no idea why this is happening.  The results from my metabolic testing are apparently worthless.  I supposedly am able to eat 1,900 to maintain and that is just not happening for me.  Why is that when I gain it doesn't ever go away?  Shouldn't this be leveling off by now?  Haven't I gained (suffered) enough?  I'm between a rock and a hard fat place.  Literally! I can't see a way to puzzle this out.  My only option is to continue to shove 1700 calories of food in my face and gain weight until my body decides it's done gaining weight and I have no idea when that will be.  This is so freaking scary.  I want to hide away somewhere where no one can see me.  I am so embarrassed.  My highest known weight is 150 lbs and that was about 18 years ago.  It's looking like I will be that big or even bigger. 

I was in the most rotten mood last night.  Hubby doesn't know what to do when I'm upset so he tries to make me laugh but it's hard to laugh when you are just upset and miserable.  He's so sweet though.  He said when I cry it makes him feel like he's not doing his job as my husband.  This morning I was still feeling annoyed.  We are going to Vegas and instead of being in a happy mood I just feel a sense of dread.  I feel incredibly uncomfortable in my clothes and don't know how much I'm going to weigh when I get back.  I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit all the time except I can't take it off.  When I look at myself in the mirror I cry.

The girl who did my meal plan was not as helpful as I'd hoped.  I just did not get the support I needed from her.  I kept asking her what to do when I add cardio she just kept saying, yeah you will have to eat more but she wouldn't tell me how much or what.  It became clear to me that she didn't want to offer any more specific diet tips or plans unless I paid more even though I was still within the 6 weeks.  She did give me the helpful tip of upping fiber and that it should not be the protein causing me constipation and she did answer my questions but I still felt alone when the point of having her was to feel that I wasn't in this by myself.  I finally stopped e mailing her and she did e mail me back for what I think was one final check in to see how I was doing.  I am grateful that she got me on the diet plan so at least I finally started eating 1,500 and knew generally how to eat but I was still gaining and she really wasn't doing much to help me figure out why.  That is seriously F'd up if you ask me.  She knew I was really upset and confused.  If she wanted me to pay more she should have just said so.  I'm not sure I would have but she should have at least offered some way to allow me to have the information and the help that I needed.

My last resort is to get the testing done that people get when they are experiencing inexplicable weight gain.  Thyroid and maybe something else?  I have a doctor appointment schedule for August 25th where I will ask for the blood work to be done.  I've had my thyroid tested and it was normal before but things are so out of hand that I need to at least rule all of that stuff out.  I decided to go ahead and spend $400 on a 12 week online nutrition program.  I didn't want to spend that kind of money but I am desperate and apparently you get what you pay for.  That other girl only cost me $60 and look what I got.  My health insurance will only be helpful if I'm obese or underweight/eating disordered.  I need help and I need answers.  I can't deal with this on my own.  I need to know if what is happening is normal or not and I need to know if this is fixable and if so exactly what I need to fix it.