Life Update

Exercise started with weight training only for four weeks and I've added in cardio over the last two weeks.  I'm doing Jamie Eason's Live Fit.  Build muscle for Phase 1 week 1-4, start to lean a little by adding cardio to the weight training for Phase 2 week 4-8 and then lean out with HIIT/Cardio for phase 3 week 9-12.  I'm currently on phase 2 week 7.  The first 4 weeks I did all at home with dum bells, resistance bands and ankle weights then once I added cardio I went back to the gym.  I've been going almost every day which is more then I ever imagined I could tolerate going to the gym.  I faced the free weight section with all the buff guys even though I was terrified and it's gotten better.  I feel more comfortable working the equipment and a lot less like everyone is staring at me now.  I plan to continue on phase 2 of this plan for the full four weeks.  The last four weeks is a lot of HIIT/plyometric training combined with weights.  I will follow it but chances are I won't do it in 4 weeks because it's 6x per week and will be harder on my knees.  I'm going to focus on the body parts I care about most so I'll cut back on shoulders, chest and back and focus on legs, butt, abs and lower back if I have to cut days. My arms have always been really toned and now they are getting even more cut so I'm fine with where those are at.  I really don't want to be too buff.  I'm probably going to do more at home since there are jump ropes and jump squats etc that I can do at home where I don't have to worry about a crowded gym.  There is little time for anything else working out this much.  It takes me about an hour to get through the weight training part and then there is another 30 minutes of cardio.  Last night I didn't get home until 7:30pm.  I jumped into the shower and dinner was at 8:00pm which is way later then I'd like to be eating.  I actually wasn't even hungry but I gotta keep up the eats.  I didn't wear my HRM for the first month since it was just weights.  Turns out I burn a lot more calories lifting weights then I expected.   

The Meal Plan is still ongoing.  To recap.  January to June 15th I tried upping calories on my own and focused on hitting 1,200 consistently.  I found someone online to make a meal plan for me because it felt impossible to get to 1,500 on my own the healthy way.  I was really scared to do it,  I didn't know what to eat and I needed some hand holding.  June 15th-July 20 I consistently ate 1,500.  With the addition of cardio starting July 21st I upped the calorie goal to 1,600-1,800.  Most of the time I'm in the 1,600-1,700 calorie range.  I am eating more food then I've ever eaten.  I'm rarely hungry so that keeps away the sweets and junk cravings.  Half the time it's a struggle to fit it all in.  I don't ever plan 'cheat meals' because life has a way of making them happen on their own.  I mostly stay on plan and eat the same thing every day unless an outing pops up. 

I'm on my own now as the girl provided me with one diet and 6 weeks of e mail support so I've been upping the calories by adding more protein and carbs as I need the fiber.  A while ago when I tried to eat high protein I ended up constipated and it happened again on this meal plan.  When I asked her about it she said protein should not do that and I'm probably not getting enough fiber.  I added back my 1/2 cup fiber 1 cereal daily and that did the trick.  The sweet spot for my body is 35-40 grams of fiber and that's the best way for me to get a lot of it.  I've been more regular then I've ever been.  I've been going daily which I never ever in a million years even thought was possible.  If I don't go daily it's usually just a one day skip.  I guess I'm finally getting enough food and fiber which has never happened at the same time.  When I had my metabolic testing done I was 1,500 BMR, 1,700-1,800 weight loss and 1,900 for maintenance.  I am not losing on 1,700-1,800 right now, but I'm hoping that with enough time my body will trust me again and then I would.  The girl who did my meal plan also had metabolic damage and said it took her 8 months before she was able to start loosing weight again so I know I have a long road ahead of me.  I plan to stick with this plan for three months shooting for 1,600 on rest days and 1,700-1,800 on work out days and then re evaluate.  I don't ever see myself shooting for 1,900.  This really should be plenty of food to get my metabolism on track.  Please just let me stop gaining!!! Maybe I can get more flexible with the foods after that since I have a better idea on how to eat.  I cut out the slice of bacon at breakfast because it's sodium and I can add some extra protein elsewhere and I'm not so sure about the two eggs because of the cholesterol.  I'm scheduling blood  work to see how my cholesterol levels are doing but I'll probably cut down to one.  I drink a protein powder shake just mixed with water on work out days (if I don't forget) and on non work out days the rice is 3 oz or I always have the choice of a tortilla.  Eating like this is hard!! It's hard to stay on top of it especially on less structured weekends.  It's expensive, I'm constantly running out of eggs, chicken and veggies.  It's just really hard to keep up with the food but I know it's really important for me to do this right now so I'm doing it and trying not to get too discouraged.  Thank god for skirts and dresses.

Breakfast		448
Egg, Large	2 Each	144
Bread, Double Fiber (38g), Oroweat	2 Each	160
Peanut Butter, creamy, Jif	1 Tablespoon	95
Coffee, brewed w/tap water	12 Fluid ounces	4
Creamer, French Vanilla, International Delight	1 Tablespoon	45
Lunch		555
Chicken Breast, Grilled, Foster Farms	3 Ounces	90
Carrots, Raw, Fresh	6 Ounces	70
Cereal, Original, Fiber One	½ Cup	60
Cheese, String (28g), Frigo	1 Each	80
Popcorn Nearly Naked	2 Cups	65
Yogurt, Total, 0%, Fage	4 Ounces	67
Honey, BillyBee	1 Teaspoon	20
Nuts, Almonds, Whole	15 Each	104
Dinner		557
Chicken Breast, Grilled, Foster Farms	5 Ounces	150
Vegetables, Mixed, Frozen (3.4oz=1c), Bird's Eye	4 Ounces	77
Rice, Brown, Cooked (4oz=3/4c)	4 Ounces	126
Nuts, Almonds, Whole	26 Each	179
Fish Oil Tablet (1200 Mg)	2 Pieces	25
Snacks		97
Apple (5oz M, 9oz Lg)	6 Ounces	97
Exercise		530
Weight Training 60/270	60 min	270
Elliptical 30/260	30 min	260

Nutrients
Fat	66g	33%
Saturated Fat	15g
Cholesterol	544mg
Sodium	1238mg
Carbohydrates	178g	40%
Fiber	46g
Sugars	55g
Protein	118g	26%

Summary
Food Calories	1,657
Exercise Calories	530
Net Calories	1,127
+/- Calories	-677
Weight	134.6

Weight is up as per usual.  Higher and higher it goes where it stops nobody knows.  I did gain weight after my vacation.  I went back to 1,500 calories when we got back and promptly gained 1 lb.  That was 1.4 lbs on vacation and then 1 lb after I went back on the diet.  I was DEVASTATED.  I was so upset but there was nothing to do but keep going.  Those 2.5 lbs have stuck unfortunately and I'm at 134.2.  I feel so LARGE.  I hate my butt.  I hate my thighs.  The thigh gap from knee to crotch is gone and I'm still down to just the one pair of jeans that fit.  It's pretty miserable.  I'd say this whole weight gain debacle was pretty well played on my part though.  The last time I was able to fit into my size 26's comfortably was November.  I went on vacation in December and came back bigger.  Then, I had my surgery in January.  I have gained about 12 lbs since then and that's on top of the 5 lbs that I'd already gained from my then 'comfortable' weight of 118 which I haven't seen since February 2013.  That's 17 lbs heavier then people were used to seeing me over the course of 1 1/2 years!!  Yikes.  My 'story' is that I started making an attempt to eat more prior to surgery to make sure that my body could handle the surgery.  Then, after surgery I had to wear skirts and dresses until my belly healed and I could get into pants.  When I was able to start working out I decided to jump into weight training which caused me to bulk up.  There.  Perfect excuse for why I got fat.  I have a way to explain it.  The real story is that I starved myself for too long, shot my metabolism and uncontrollably gained weight but that's way too embarrassing to admit.  I was hoping my bodies set  weight was 130 max and now I'm hoping it's 135.  I just don't want to get bigger.  Hubby says I've only gotten sexier.  I just wish I agreed. At 5'7" it could be worse but I miss being thin.  I feel very self conscious because I can't imagine that people haven't started to notice.  No one has said anything, but I imagine at some point it will happen.  It shocks me that hubby was surprised when I said I couldn't fit into any of my jeans.  I'm so much bigger so how could I?  What's really weird is that a few weeks ago I wore a pair of pants which is unusual these days.  I have 2 that I can still fit okay.  The lady I see all the time says, "what size are you? 3-5?"  I lied and said 5.  She commented because she thought I looked slim I guess which is shocking.  I still feel large.  I just want to be a skinnie minnie again.

Life is good.  Most weekends I fit in cleaning, gym and whatever plans we have. I really can't complain too much aside from the fact that there aren't enough hours in the day or weekend.  Also, getting up in the morning is hell.  I go to bed between 8-9pm but getting up is always so hard.  If I go to bed any sooner I'll only be up for like an hour on gym days in which to fit in shower, dinner and any semblance of life.  Hubby is awesome.  He makes my chicken and fixes my plate a lot because I get home so late.  We are going to Vegas this weekend and have another awesome vacation coming up in September to NYC.  We have been having sex regularly again which is so great.  I basically have what I'm going to call chronically irritated vaginal disorder.  The doctor has done everything she can but we don't know why it won't just go away.  I manage the symptoms on my own with things like boric acid, Rephresh Pro B, Aci gel and hydro cortisone cream.  I had a flare up over the last week but the boric acid nipped it in the bud and it's feeling better then it has in a long time.  I hope it stays that way for a while at least.  I officially finished my novel about two months ago.  I printed it out for my mom a few weeks ago.  She is the first person to read it.  I'm not sure what I'll do with it if anything.  I have no idea if it sucks or what.  I'm taking a break from it while my mom's reading it so I can look at it again with fresh eyes. 

Money.  I cut down on the shopping a lot which was necessary because I had a bunch of airline tickets to pay for and it just got so annoying that so much of my money was going to clothes.  I've got a solid wardrobe of skirts, dresses, and long tops to cover my booty so I'm good.  I did just buy 2 long tops and a top for this weekend at Target but for the most part I am not online shopping and I don't feel like I want to buy all the things.  I'm still holding out on buying jeans.  I hate the way my body looks in pants period and I just keep getting bigger and bigger so...I don't know what to do.  My laptop finally died and hubby ran to the apple store and picked up a new one without me knowing but I'm glad he did it.  I got the MacBook Air.  The process would have stressed me out.  I had NYC, Vegas airline tickets AND  a $1,100 laptop to pay for so I just dipped in my savings to take care of it which I rarely do but that's what it's there for.  Hubby would have let me pay for it over time but I didn't want him having interest on his card and I just wanted it to be over so I wouldn't have to think about it.  There are trips, birthdays and contact lenses coming up so I'm just trying to spend as little as possible.

Work really sucks right now.  I just web surf all day and basically feel like a piece of crap for not doing much work.  On the other hand there isn't much work to do and when things do heat up as they are going to very soon I'll be hanging on for dear life.  I don't think anybody is doing a whole lot right  now.  Summer is slow.

I feel very ignored here.  S is the big boss and we've never had a super close and chatty work relationship so there is nothing new there and I'm okay with that.  E (who is technically my supervisor) and I always were close but now she totally ignores me day to day and it's taken me a bit of time to stop my feelings from being hurt over this.  I didn't think she could ignore me any more and then she did.  E, S and D have their little clique where they chat constantly, update each other on their lives and get coffee and lunch together in groups of 2 or 3.  E used to stop by my door to chat and we knew what was going on in each others lives but those days are over and done.  It started deteriorating as early as end of last year.  I tried to stay friendly but got tired of trying when she wasn't and now it's nothing.   Her drastic departure from being my work friend is pretty extreme but if she doesn't want to be my friend anymore so be it.   I know nothing about what's going on with the new baby or the new house.  She barely speaks to me and if D or S aren't at their desks she turns right around and walks by my open doorway without a word.  They go to each other to chat about things and I got tired of pushing my way in all the time so now I just sit at my desk and keep to myself while they chat and giggle away.  I come and go silently.  They don't ask me how my vacation is or how my weekend was and I don't ask them.  D and I will chat now and then as we always have one on one but when she is group chatting with S and E I usually stay out of it.  Chances are (especially if it's about E or S) I've not been privvy to any of the information they are chatting about so I feel like I'm butting in.  When it comes to work stuff sometimes I hear them talking about things but I'm not going to ask what's going on.  I figure if I need to know they will tell me.  Things are just very awkward between E and I since we used to speak and now we barely say hello.  There were a lot of things that really used to bug me about her work wise that I swallowed and dealt with okay because I really liked her and we were buddies so we'll have to see how that goes this year.  M is also sort of an "outsider" of that clique but even she talks to E more then I do.  I chat with M more then anyone now.  She is on vacation right now so I feel very alone.

Things are going to get very busy soon and I'm still in denial about actually having to work.  Hopefully, I'll be okay once things start up but right now I am in a major job rut.  Also, I hope the overall dynamic in our office doesn't screw me up too bad.  I never loved it, mostly liked it in the way that you 'like' something because it's really not so bad and you need a paycheck.  I actually do like all the ladies that work here so that always helped but the little 'clique' and the silent treatment from E can be unnerving sometimes.  I hope it doesn't make me unhappy here.