I Just Keep Getting Fatter

Typically when you want to lose weight you follow a diet plan and you exercise.  You cut calories and/or increase exercise.  If you don't follow the plan you don't get results.  If you do follow the plan at some point you will lose weight.  That's what they tell you right?  In my case diet and exercise does not work and I'm at my wits end about it.  I have no clue what to eat or what to do.  I mean, what can you do when your body refuses to respond to diet and exercise?  When you do everything right; not perfect but definitely close to it and instead of lose weight you gain weight?  What are your options?  Right now it's looking like my only option going forward is to get bigger and bigger every year and the thought of it is really scary.  I'm back to exercising regularly again and my only reward is more weight gain.  I have absolutely no control over my body.  It does not respond to diet.  It does not respond to exercise.  It does what it wants and what it wants is to gain weight, hold onto it then gain some more.

I am truly at a loss.  I just want to cry.  I am crying.  I just don't know what else to do.  I am going on an all inclusive resort vacation in exactly 3 weeks and I am terrified.  My husband asked about these cute little white short shorts he bought me about 4 years ago that I never wear anymore.  I straight told him they don't fit.  He has no idea how much I've gained.  I'm still wearing skirts and dresses M-Th and on Friday's the same one pair of boyfriend capri's that I feel okay in.  I am so ashamed and embarrassed about what is happening to my body.  I feel like the nutritionist was no help.  The lady I did the metabolic testing was a little bit more helpful but I feel like I need someone to guide me through this because I don't know what is happening and I don't know what to do.  I sent an e mail to the lady that did my metabolic testing with a link and password to my lose it account.  I was hoping she would be willing to at least glance through it and give me some advice on what I'm doing wrong but I can't even reach her.  The e mail was returned.  I never did consistently eat 1,500 calories plus per day but there is absolutely no way that my body should think it's starving at this point because I am ALWAYS above 1,000 USUALLY around 1,200 to 1,300 and SOMETIMES above 1,500.  Most people who eat in this general range are not going to inexplicably gain weight.  I just don't get it.  Maybe I need to consistently eat more but c'mon.  I don't see that doing anything but making me bigger.

I think most of the diet and weight loss plans covered by insurance are for those that are either severely underweight, diagnosed eating disorders or for the obese.  I'm not sure what's out there for people like me who are just trying to figure out how to eat and not gain weight.  I'm at an all time weight high today.  It's not constipation and it's not water retention.  I don't do daily BM's but I'm fairly regular for my standards.  I still retain water on the weekends (WTF??) but I'm drinking water and peeing regularly.  It's real weight, it really sucks and it confirms one of my biggest fears to be true.  I'm supposed to be "large."  I was only small before because I was fighting my body and now that I am eating closer to what my body wants it's doing what it wants and will continue to do so until it's happy.  How I feel about it be damned.  My body doesn't care.

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I want to thank Paula for coming out of the wood works and commenting on my last post.  It means a lot to hear from people who didn't have kids and also have no regrets.  I am surrounded by moms.  I am at that age when baby fever is hitting everyone I know and I do feel isolated and alone being child free.  I sometimes still feel torn about our decision and other times I am thrilled about our decision.  It's just kind of a back and forth emotional roller coaster.  On that note I'd also like to thank anonymous commenter from last post and everyone else who reads and/or comments on my blog.

I've been at this for a long time.  I've changed and my blog has changed a lot over the years.  I don't post as often and most of the time it feels like people aren't reading which is okay because this is an outlet for me.  I'm not here to be popular or anything but I do enjoy the support and the feed back that I find here just by writing out my thoughts and from the interaction that I do get. I don't see there ever being a time when I don't come back here.  I've been writing in journals since I was a kid.  I have online journals that I cut and pasted from other places into a separate private blog dating way back to 2003 all right here.  It took me days and days to do it but it was important to me to have that record all in one place.  Every heart ache, every hope every dream I've had for the last 11 years of my life is all here.  I love writing.  I'm not ever going to stop.  I might disappear for a while but I will always come back.