New Plan

Even when there is no plan there is always a plan withe me.  I just can't seem to quit.  I'm weird like that when it comes to my body and weight loss.  Dogged in my determination.  I want to throw in the towel but there is always something that just won't let me.

I was so frustrated and so upset with not knowing how to eat or what to eat or how much to eat so I found someone to design a 6 week diet plan for me at a reasonable price.  I told her about my ED history and the struggle I was having with weight gain and not knowing what macros to eat.  I was nervous about how many calories she'd start me out on but was really pleased when she sent me a 1,500 calorie plan.  Totally doable.  I started on Monday and it's the first time I've managed to consistently eat my BMR of 1,500 for this many days in a row.  It's very boring and very basic which works for me because I hate cooking. It's very manageable for taking to work with me.  It's literally the same thing every single day with a slight tweak for work out days vs rest days.  It's 33% macros for fat, carbs and protein which was really surprising.  I get one cheat meal (not day) per week and I can drink wine about 2x per week.  I'm using my cheat day for breakfast on Sunday because we are going to brunch with friends.  I'm really scared to switch anything up because this diet is very safe for me.  Normally my weight fluctuates (mostly up) but I've lost one pound and it hasn't gone up at all.  That is a very big deal for me and my body that seems to do whatever the hell it wants and never makes sense.  This could all change tomorrow but for right now I'm going with it.  I'm also doing 100% strength training for an entire month with no cardio.  I found a 12 week plan online to follow and I'm going to do it at home until I get to the cardio days.  This will help me boost my metabolism, build muscle and cut fat.  That's the plan anyway.  She will increase the calories after about 3-4 weeks.  Eating healthy totally balanced meals is expensive!! Hubby spent $130 on groceries.  I'm eating about 7 ounces of chicken breast a day which is 49 ounces a week which is 3 lbs! Meat is expensive.  Nuts, eggs and Greek Yogurt is expensive.  Now I'm the one eating all the food in the house with my husband eating PBJ if there isn't enough meat for me to have my full serving. 

There is all kinds of junk and cookies at work but I haven't touched it.  One of my co workers had 4 today!!  They are my favorites from Costco too.  Hubby made chocolate chip cookies last night but I only had a bite of one.  On Monday I went to my mom's and I brought my own food.  On Tuesday we went to dinner so I ordered Chicken and veggies.   Tonight the chicken won't be thawed in time for hubby to make it so we're eating healthy El Pollo loco chicken and veggie bowls and I'm adding in my other fats and carbs as usual.  I haven't cheated once.  It kinda sucks not to have much flexibility in what I eat at all but it's tolerable because I'm getting plenty of food throughout the day.  Hubby thought I should wait to start the diet until after we get back from vacation but I really could not handle not knowing what to eat anymore.  Things were just getting worse and worse and I could not wait.  I knew that every day I ate under 1,500 I could be making things worse but it felt impossible to eat that much the right way.  I was out of ideas.  I will be working out almost every day I'm gone but I am nervous about not being on plan.  I'm sure that I'll be getting enough food but it won't be the right macros and there will be alcohol and other junk.  It's my first all inclusive resort.  I will enjoy it but I also think that because my body hasn't been starving and I'm not totally obsessed with food anymore that I'm not going to go hog wild crazy.  I'm getting better at listening to my body and stopping when I'm full.  I'm hoping that these two weeks of solid balanced eating and strength exercises will help give my metabolism and body the boost it needs so that it doesn't get too out of hand.  I'll be right back to it as soon as we get back.

I have no idea if this is going to make me like my body or even get me where I want to be.  I could end up in the same old boat I've been in for the last year but it's worth a try.  I've told everyone else that I'm doing this diet so that I can build muscle, boost my metabolism and learn how to eat more calories which is all true but the main motivation is so that I can stop getting fatter, fix my metabolism and drop 10 lbs. Just 10 lbs.  I'm not stupid enough to go for anything less then 120 after what I've been through.   I want to see just how toned I can get.  Like, how close I can get to the bikini figure models physique.  I feel like I'm as toned as I'm going to get with cardio so strength training will be good for me.  I have defined abs and arms.  I feel really strong from Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred.  I got back up to level 3 after about 4 days of level 2 so I don't feel like I'm totally starting from scratch.  It'll be interesting to see what happens when I focus on being strong instead of skinny and feeding myself instead of starving it.  Skinny AND strong AND healthy is my ultimate goal. I have a plan...let's see if it gets me anywhere.

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Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments on my last post.  I was just over it and beyond frustrated.  It's nice to know there are peeps out there who understand.  I am so grateful to have this space to vent.