Grinch in Tight Jeans

I gained 2 pounds AFTER vacation.  Who does that?  How is that even possible to pig out and lose on vacation then come home and gain?  Even my jeans that I could count on to fit are getting tight.  These are designer jeans that cost over $100.  I'm more upset about the fact that I'm getting fat.  I haven't been this weight since 2006!!!!  What the fuck?  And I'm not really big on cussing but if ever there was a time that cussing is appropriate I'd say it's now.  What the hell am I gonna do?  I am feeling so upset and disgusted with myself that I cannot even bring myself to watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show.  I want to see it but I just can't deal with it right now.  It will sit in my DVR until I can handle watching it.  Getting dressed is a joke.  Nothing looks right.  Nothing fits right.  I just feel so anxious right now and I hate it.  The one upside right now is that for some odd reason I'm having regular BM's.  I've gone 4 days in a row.  Maybe the probiotics are finally working?  I'm also not retaining water.  The only bad thing about it is that I can't blame my weight gain on any of that.

I'm ready to lose weight NOW but I need to figure out if my metabolism is in decent shape or not before I start.  I think I'll get that tested next month.  I've been eating 1,300 minimum for 21 weeks now.   That's 5 months.  I think my metabolism should have had plenty of time to heal by now.  If it hasn't that probably means I'm stuck with a crappy metabolism.  I'm praying that's not the case but I figure I should check it out before trying to lose weight so I know what I'm dealing with.

I did yoga on Saturday but I really haven't been exercising.  It's cold.  I'm tired after work.  Excuses, excuses.  But after 3 years of consistently working out I think I've just crashed and burned.  I didn't work out the week before my vacation, during my vacation and now two weeks after my vacation.  I'm going to start working out again next week while I'm off and then hopefully carry that into the New Year.  I think I just need a break.  My hysterectomy is scheduled for January 31st.  I plan to get in some good exercise in January before then since I'll be laid up for a few weeks.  During that time that I'm laid up I will ONLY be eating clean and healthy foods.  I can't afford to eat crappy AND lay around all day long.  After that, I'll probably be really motivated to exercise after not being allowed to for a while.  I will no longer be taking birth control or getting my period which will be awesome.  That brings us to March when my husband goes out of town for a few months.  During that time I'll be able to focus on diet and exercise and hopefully lose some weight.  I cannot stay this fat.  I want to fit into my jeans.  I want to feel thin again and I know I won't until I get back to 118-120 lbs.  After having been through all of this crap I will appreciate being that weight.  I won't get greedy and take my metabolism for granted again.  In the meantime I'm going to work on just trying not to gain anymore weight.  Right now I need to lose about 10 lbs.  I don't want to have to lose more.

Everyone at work decided to bring crap in today.  Donuts, bagels AND cake.  I had a plain cinnamon raisin bagel for breakfast.  I feel bad because everyone else did cards or little gifts or brought in treats and I didn't.  I can't do something easy like buy a treat now because there is way too much and tomorrow is our last day.  Maybe after work?  The weather is miserable and I do not want to brave the malls.  I'm the worst gift giver EVER.  Even with family I'm stumped.  I can never think of any good ideas.  I never know what to give at work so I end up doing nothing.  Maybe I could get some gift cards? I don't know.  I gave something last year and it felt good.  I just didn't think about it this year.  I will say it's weird to just hand around cards with a pre printed message and only your name signed to it.  Why bother?  I don't know.  Just call me the Grinch.  We got our tree on Sunday.  For family we do a gift exchange and there is only one child.  I only had one family gift, my little nephew and my husband to shop for.  I did all that online on Monday.  I'll be at the mall to pick up my husbands gift this weekend so I'll look around for a few extra things for him.  He's still buying me presents even though he already got me an iPad mini last month and I told him that was plenty. 

I'm so upset that this damn yeast infection won't go away but apparently I'm not the only woman who has dealt with this.  The medication isn't working and it's been 4 weeks.  I told my husband that we won't be having sex for a while.  The doctor said I could have sex while treating it but I'm not so sure about that.  I want it cleared up before my surgery because I don't want it to interfere with that.  I've been doing research online and found some natural remedies that I'm going to try next week.  I might do another round of the over the counter creams which really helped before.  It's just that after sex it would come back.  They say not to overuse it because it's an antibiotic and your yeast becomes resistant.  I'll keep taking the probiotic AND the Rx on top of it.  If I manage to clear it then I probably won't want to have sex again until after the surgery.  Just to be on the safe side.  Then he'll be going out of town for 2 months so he'll probably be gone about the time I'm cleared for sex.  The last time we had sex was in November so when all is said and done that means about 6 months without sex.   That makes me very sad and it really sucks.  Apparently condoms are no good either.  So many things affect the PH levels.

I got really depressed on Sunday.  I just wanted to lay in my bed and give up on everything.  The yeast, the weight gain and my giant fibroids were just really getting me down.  I feel bad that we can't have sex because of me.  I'm tired of seeing these giant bulges in my belly that I can't control.  I'm tired of feeling like my body is under attack.  I know it could be worse.  None of these things are life threatening.  I just want my body back and I don't like being sad.  It's precious time wasted with my husband.  He usually cheers me up anyways so it doesn't last too long.

My fighting spirit is back.  I have a plan and I'm going to keep trying.