Therapy and Vacation Eating

I'm back from vacation.  I went fat and was certain I would return fatter but the weirdest thing of all is that I left at 126 and came home at 125.4 after 8 days of vacation eating.  I didn't even really try that hard to be good and we didn't exercise.  We had two really active days ziplining and hiking but lounged around the rest of the time at the beach.  I snacked on the beach all day, drank wine and ate at least two meals a day.  One day it was even three (the hiking day).  Sometimes I was starving for the next meal and other times I wasn't even really all that hungry but I ate anyways.  The calories were obscene.  I averaged 1,600-1,800 per day but it was probably more just because chances are I wasn't that accurate.  My sodium counts were sky high like 3,000 mg.  I didn't BM every day even though I was eating all that food so that did have me worried.  Where does that food go?  Why doesn't my body release it.  My husband was pooping constantly.  I know I'll never poo as much as him. He's a guy.  But still.  I poo way to little for what I was eating.  I think it might be official that 125 lbs is my "set point."  After 8 days of pigging out I expected it to be way higher.  I was terrified to step on the scale and I was in serious shock when I saw the number.  I had to do it again to be sure.  Maybe I should up my calories from 1,300 to 1,500.  Maybe I really am still just trying too hard.  I came back from Vegas lower then expected then gained at home.  What gives? I've decided that I'm going to ride this out for now and not really think about trying to decrease cals and loose until March when my husband goes for his deployment.  Maybe I'll have my metabolism tested then to see where I'm at and then go from there.  I still wish I was 118-120 max.  I don't know if that will ever change.

I suppose I could live with that number.  It doesn't really sound all that bad and I'm still fitting into 2's and 4's.  I put away all the clothes that won't fit anymore because it was too upsetting to see them.  The problem is that I really don't like my body.  In clothes I guess I think I look okay but in a bikini I look downright terrible if you asked me.  It's obvious that I'm fit.  I have a 6 pack and I even have the oblique lines on the side.  My arms and tummy are nice and toned.  My legs are toned but my thighs and butt feel huge. I have no problem with my arms and shoulders  What I hate is my build, which even at my thinnest there really wasn't a whole lot I could do about.  I have a muscular build.  You know that line of muscles that a lot of guys have leading down into their pants on each side?  I don't know what it's called, but I have that and it makes me feel huge.  I hate my butt.  I wish it were tighter and more compact.  My thighs curve out at the sides just past my butt  I hate it.  I don't really have a muffin top (unless my clothes are way too tight) but that lower back area above the butt is way too meaty for me.  I hate my figure.  I hate that my waist goes in just a little at the waist and then straight up.  It's not totally straight up and down and it's not hourglass either.  It's somewhere in the middle.  I know I'm not fat.  I think I just tend to equate muscle with fat and that's the body type I've been fighting against my whole life.  Looking at pics of me in my bikini disgusts me.  My midsection is the real problem for me including the area above my butt, my butt and upper thighs.  I want my midsection to be flatter and not have that muscle.  I love my abs.  I just look more muscular then lean and I hate it. 

Vacation was awesome.  I had the best time with my husband.  Our hotel was beautiful.  We relaxed at the beach all day every day, went hiking and zip-lining.  I love spending time with him.  I haven't read a book all year and I read a whole book while I was gone.  It was great.  Maui is absolutely beautiful and so warm.  The water felt great.  We spent night in watching movies and didn't stay up too late or force ourselves up early (except for one day) so I was fully energized every single day.  I loved every second of it.  Unfortunately my yeast infection flared up just before we left so we could not have sex.  The doctor tells me I can have sex for the 12 weeks that I'm taking that pill once a week.  I take the pill, it feels fine and then sex causes a flare up and I didn't want to be uncomfortable on my vacation so I told the husband it was a no go.  I can deal with it when I'm home but I didn't want to deal with it on vacation.  I got an acidophilus 2 million cultures pro biotic.  I've been taking 1-2 a day and I don't find that it's helped with the yeast or my digestion.  The only thing so far that keeps it away is not having sex.  I'm hoping once I finish all the pills that will change.

I had my therapy appointment a few weeks ago and I don't think I'm going back.  One thing that annoyed me is that she made assumptions about my thought process or different things without really knowing.  Not in a bad way or anything but she would say things like, "well, if my clothes aren't fitting too tight then I should know that all is okay."  But the thing is my clothes are fitting tighter.  That's part of why I was there.  To deal with that.  Just little things like that.  The reason I don't think I'll go back is because it helped me to realize that nothing will change unless I want it to change.  She made suggestions like no calorie tracking days, skipping weigh ins and  I don't want to do any of that.  She suggested positive affirmations and a lot of things I already know.  Nothing changes unless I am willing to change.  I may never accept my body but if I ever do it has to start with me.  I'm just not there yet.

Being back at work sucks but it's kind of slow so I'm dealing.  I've been doing a lot of "non" work stuff, the day is half over, it's a short week and Winter break is right around the corner.  It sucks that my life is not a vacation but like everyone else we do what we gotta do and suck it up.  I'll survive.