Thyroid Testing

I hit a new high weight wise last week.  I gained back a pound that I had lost from a few weeks ago and added another bringing me to125.8!  Oh, my goodness.  Ensue major freak out.  There are a pair of jeans I can't even wear anymore.  I can get them on but they are just too tight.  I feel fat and disgusting and it's really scary to be this out of control over my size and weight.  I was so freaked out I called the doctor that day and set up an appointment the next day with a primary doctor so that I could get a referral to a Nutritionist.  I have done a ton of internet research but I need someone to look at what I'm eating and tell me what is okay or not okay and how much I should be eating.  I need assurance that I am doing this right and I wanted to rule out Thyroid as an issue so I could move on.  I didn't tell my husband about the appointment.  No point.  My blood work all came back normal.  My Thyroid was TSH was 1.56 on 09/09/10 and on 10/2/13 it was 2.27.  The standard range is 0.35 to 4.0 mcIU/ml.  Whatever that is.  The doctor probably thought I was a nut for wanting to see a nutritionist.  Me:  I've gained weight.  Him:  But it's because you are eating more and you are not even close to being overweight.  Me:  Yes, I know.  That should be a no brainer right?  Eat more, gain a few pounds, big deal.  I tried to explain that I think I've ruined my metabolism and how anxious I feel right now about eating and my weight.  I don't think anyone takes you seriously about anything regarding diet and nutrition unless you are very underweight or very overweight.  I don't think he gets it but he did grant me the Nutritionist referral and I have an appointment in two weeks.  What I'd really love to do is get metabolic testing so I know for sure where I stand after a good 8 weeks of solid eating but I don't think it's covered and I have to find out how much it costs.

After my appointment I went back to the archives.  I literally have my weight documented since about 2003 in journals and planners. Thank god! Going back to the archives really brought things into perspective and although I still hate this weight gain I'm feeling just slightly less freaked out because I realize I've been through this all before.  In January 2006 this very same thing happened.  I was gaining.  I tried to diet harder but my metabolism had crashed and even 800 calories a day would not save me.  All this time I've been freaking about wondering how fat I'm going to get.  When does it all stop?  I've been restricting for so long that I honestly don't even know what my "real" body size is and I've been terrified of finding out.  It turns out that the highest I weighed after my metabolism crashed in 2006 was 126 lbs over the next 3 years. I put away the tiny clothes and mourned the loss of my skinny minnie body just like I'm doing now.  126 is so close to 130 that it's disgusting and I hate it that but it is comforting to know that even after I lost control before I never got any higher then that.  The only thing that scares me is that I'm at that high weight already and it's only been about 2 months since I started eating more whereas before I don't think I got to 126 until about a year later but I maintained between 121-126ish  for about 3 1/2 years.  I didn't get under 120 again until about 3 1/2 years later.  I looked through some of my food logs and it does appear that I was still kind of trying to restrict during that time.  I think I'm eating little bit more then I did back then because I'm more convinced now then I was before that my metabolism is screwed.  Plus, I didn't count calories back then so while I realized that I was going to have to eat more and did I wasn't trying to hit a certain calorie mark.  Maybe 123-126 is my "natural" size.  If it is then my hope is that once my metabolism stabilizes I can reasonably and safely get down to 118 MINIMUM.  I lost weight before maybe I can do it again but  I will never push my body that hard to be smaller then that again.  I've learned my lesson but I still want to be skinny.

I've had a BM every single day for about 4 days straight which is highly unusual.  It probably means I'm getting the right amount of food in and so then my body is getting rid of it like it's supposed to.  I weighed in at 123.6 today right after a BM making me a pound less then yesterday and that's with eating Pizza for dinner last night.  It's been up and down so I know it could change overnight again.  I'm really, really, REALLY hoping I don't go higher then 126.  We shall see.

Thank you all for your comments regarding my freaking out over my husband and all of his crap.  Kitty, you totally get my frustration.  It was nice to hear that I wasn't just some crazy bitch and that I was handling it well.  As soon as I read that comment about the bins from  K and Seeking Something Else I immediately felt some relief.  Right now we have places for everything (he just doesn't always use them) so bins themselves won't help BUT-the idea of having that option for collecting his things that don't belong and leaving it for him to put away so I can still get my cleaning done AND not actually feel like the maid putting his stuff away.  I did have a breakdown on Thursday evening.  This bag with some cigars in it that had been sitting on the kitchen counter for 2 weeks finally go the best of me and I asked him if he could find a place for it.  He said, he was planning to mail it the next day so leave it.  I said could you please try to contain your errands to an appropriate place until you can get to them.  Then he pointed out that I had left a place mat on the coffee table.  What?  You want to talk about my little mess now?  I told him that it's literally taken me almost 2 weeks to finally get used to having all his crap everywhere and that I've wanted to yell at him every single day since he's gotten back.  Then said I was going to bed (I actually was on my way) and went upstairs.  I did come back down a minute later and apologized for the slight outburst.  I'm only human.  I feel like 2 weeks of keeping my mouth shut was really big of me and I think he understood that.  It made me feel very glad that I didn't fly off the handle sooner because I realized that part of it was just that I did need more time to transition to having his crap around.  I've gotten past being annoyed with him all the time over it.  That loving feeling I usually have is back and I'm feeling all obsessed and lovey dovey with him again.  It feels good to have moved past those feelings on my own without taking it out on him.  He left dishes in the sink on Friday night and I didn't say a word when he still didn't touch them until Sunday night.  I do realize that this is an issue that can and does repeatedly rear it's ugly head so I'm really going to watch how I feel and try to speak up about a few things here and there and assess whether or not I should do counseling depending on how things go.  It's always an option whenever and if ever I feel the need. 

We had an amazing weekend together.  It's still warm here so we were at the Bay on Saturday and then spent most of the day around the house on Sunday.  Having him around feels less intrusive and I'm feeling more in sync with him.  As much as I love the guy I guess it really does take some time for me to get used to the changes that come with having him home. 

I think I might finally be over the shopping bug.  In August when I said I was trying to stop I still spent $176 bucks but I spent absolutely $0 dollars on shopping in September and I plan to do the same this month.  I'm just so over the desire to buy more things.  If I got a coupon I wanted to go use it.  Then once I bought one thing I realize that I need something else and it just went on and on on from there.  It was exhausting, so ridiculously excessive, I was starting to run out of room in my closet and I needed to get my priorities straight.  With all the clothes in my closet I don't need to be out shopping all the time.  I'm not rich.  It's stupid.  I'm saving up for my trips and Christmas.