8 Pounds

Could this day get any longer?  I'm at work and things are slow which is good because I'd rather not be stressed out on what I get paid here but it sure makes for some long days.  I haven't been chatty with anyone lately.  I come in, hole up in my office and then only come out for bathroom breaks and to retrieve water and snacks from the break room.  Then at 5pm on the dot I slip out the door and go home.  I could care less about E not being very friendly with me like she used to.  She ignores me and I don't make an effort to engage.  I'm over it.  We are not unfriendly she just and all my co workers are cool so it's fine.  I'm just keeping to myself more.  They chat and twitter on about different things that I know nothing about. 

They had a free health screening at work today.  My blood pressure is nice and low 96/64 which is the usual for me.  I hardly ever make it into the triple digits on the top number anymore.  My resting heart rate is 60 which puts me into the well trained athlete category.  My visceral fat is 2 when the ideal range is anything less then 10.  My body age is 20.    I weighed in at 127.4 with clothes no shoes.  NASTY.  At the January screening I was 123.4.  That is about right.  I've gained a good 4 pounds on top of everything I had already gained before.  My body fat with the current device thingy read 23.7%.  Doing it the more traditional way by pinching arm, waist and thigh fat it came up 16.9%.  The healthy range for women is 17-25%.  I should feel good about that but I don't because when I stand on the scale, look in the mirror and try to put on my skinny jeans all I see is fat.  According to them I am perfectly healthy and fit.  I really and truly am grateful for that but I am so in hate with my body that it is clouding everything else.

My weight is super out of control but my eating feels more in control then ever oddly enough.  I actually eat the serving size of Almonds, Raisins and Pretzels instead of plowing through a whole bag in days.  I don't really crave candy all that much and haven't bought Twizzlers or Mike and Ike's.  This is all very well and good.  I just hate feeling fat.  I understand that I'm less obsessed with food because I'm allowing myself to enjoy it in greater more reasonable quantities, but I HATE FEELING FAT.  I've been hiding it from my parents pretty well what with Summer's shorts, skirts and dresses.  My weight gain is infinitely more noticeable when I'm wearing pants.  Or creme colored skinny jeans that are snugger then they used to be and make my thighs look downright huge.  I don't even wear those anymore.  Getting dressed in the morning is becoming more complicated.  I don't know what to put on because everything makes me look FAT.  My husband has to have noticed.  I don't see how he couldn't.  Thank god he hasn't said too much about it except that my butt looks better presumably because I did the 30 Day Shred not because I'm 8 lbs heavier then my previous "usual" weight.  I dread the thought of how fat I will be after Vegas and how fat I will feel in my Bikini when we go to Maui.  What makes it even harder is that I can't talk to anyone about any of it.  No one.  Not my husband, my mom or my sister's.  first of all they will say I'm not fat.  Secondly, I'm just too ashamed and embarrassed.  I'm the skinny girl who lost her magic and got fat.  I can't loose weight.  It's just to awful to talk about so I slink around pretending it's not happening and that people don't notice.  I wonder if they are whispering behind my back. 

I just want to make it all go away.  8 lbs off is what it would take. I'm sure I'll always feel fat but at 118 I'd be under120 and I'd fit into my jeans again.  That's pretty much all I want right now.

Thanks for all of your comments about my bad wifey moment.  Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I go through this low every now and then where I feel like such crap about myself as a wife and as a person in general.  I know I do need to cut myself some slack but it's really hard NOT to be so hard on myself.  I have come such a long way towards liking myself but I'm not totally cured of my self hatred.  I don't think I ever will be.  I'm pretty sure this is as good as it gets.  I know that's where all of these negative thoughts come from.  When you don't love yourself enough it's hard to believe that anyone else could love you.  And that's exactly how I feel in those low moments when I feel sorry for my husband for having married me.  It sneaks up on me and before I know it I'm back to hating myself.

Aye Ell, you mentioned that you feel bad about contributing 0 money AND not doing domestic duties because of your heavy course load as a student.  The way I look at that is that you are brilliantly smart and bettering yourself even more with advanced education.  You are accomplishing something that takes motivation and ambition.  Your husband can be proud of his smart determined wife.  Me, on the other hand is  a different story. When I'm not doing things for my husband I'm just being lazy.  And I'm not doing a damn thing with my life really.  When I'm not earning a decent income it's because I lack ambition.  Yes, I work and contribute to the house but that's standard and my earning potential is extremely limited.  I'm nothing exceptional.  A standard BA, no career to speak of and I don't make up for it by being wonderful in any other way.   And while most of the time I can deal with the reality of my mediocre existence there are times where it gets me down and I start feeling like the worst person on earth.  I'm not sure if that will ever completely go away.