Work Rants and Donuts

I'm so incredibly unfocused at work.  It's really bad.  There have been days that I have worked as little as 1 hr of my 8 hr day.  I feel terrible.  It's Summer, which is downtime for us and apparently I'm taking full advantage.  I'm allowed to work pretty independently here, which I like.  I have not been told a single thing that I should be doing and they assume I'm working on something.  They don't ask.  I made a list of things I need to get done and even with as much messing around as I've been doing I've managed to get through most of it.  It's been really hard to focus and stay on task.  If I start out with a bang in the morning on task I'm good, but if I dawdle around on blogs, twitter, internet surfing or whatever then half the day is gone and I really don't feel like getting into work after that.  When I've got hard deadlines I work like crazy to see that the work gets done but times like this when there isn't a whole lot to do and no deadlines is when I get really lazy.  I actually did most of the biggest project I needed to get done.  I've got to wait on the rest of it until some questions get answered.  I've got one other big thing that I plan to finish this week.  Even though I do have time I still don't like to wait until the last minute because you never know what can come up between now and then.  Plus, that means I can just chill.  Yes, some more.

I worry that I'm burnt out on my job.  I'm finding it really hard to be motivated or take interest in what I'm doing.  I've been in this particular position since October 2010.  That's going on 3 years with no real end in sight since I don't see myself looking for another position.  I have it pretty good here in terms of my co-workers, autonomy and the actual job itself.  I'm always afraid that If I move positions then I could end up worse off.  There really is no real raise in sight either.  From here on out I get $600 per year ($50 per month) raise for the next few years and then I max out.  That will burn you out real quick too.  There just isn't much to look forward to.  I feel really tired at work a lot of the time and just generally hate it that I have to be here every day.  Things have been kinda weird with my immediate supervisor E lately.  Her mind thinks differently then mine so sometimes she'll say things and I'll have no idea what she's talking about and vice versa.  I think we are both getting frustrated.  It seems like we used to chat a lot more and lately she wants to chat with this other girl more then me.  I just feel a distance between us that wasn't there  before.  We'll go the whole day without even talking and sometimes she'll come up to me and chat but it's only because there is a work questions which gets tacked on at the end.  I still really like her and maybe it's just bound to happen over time.  There is also the tendency I have to bury myself in my work or whatever else I'm doing and not socialize.  I know I can close myself off sometimes.  Also it's really weird here because nobody really tells me what's going on.  They'll be scurrying around dealing with some problem or issue and then E will think I know what's going on and mention it and I'll be like, I have no clue what's going on.  Nobody has told me.  I figure if they need my input I'll ask.  I think it's just a breakdown in communication.

It's REALLY annoying right now because the database we use is a piece of junk and they keep making "corrections" so the information will upload properly and then they keep telling us to "test" the data piece by piece by piece, then we find that they fixed one problem but messed up something else and it just goes on and on and on and on.  We've tested it at least 6 times now after it's supposed to be fixed.  It's just getting stupid now.  It's super unproductive and a waste of time for everyone.  Maybe we just need to realize that it's screwed, it's never going to be 100% correct, take what we can get and move on.  

I got jealous of hubby last week.  He just switched positions and now he gets to work 4 shifts 10 hours per day and get every other Friday off.  His schedule is flexible.  He doesn't have to deal with traffic and he gets to wear T Shirts and Tennis shoes to work if he wants to.  He gets off even earlier then before.  By the time I get home at 5:30pm or 7:00 with gym he's already done his work out, rested and has been chilling since about 3pm.  No three day weekends for me, zero flexibility in my schedule, and I have to be stuck in rush hour traffic.  I don't expect that to change.  Ever.  And it's partially my fault because I won't do anything to change it.  He's a smart guy.  It's no wonder he managed to get himself into a better position when the one he had before was no longer working for him.  He'll be getting a sweet raise next year too.  I'm so happy for him.  He deserves it.  His tendency to brag just gets really annoying and I got tired of hearing him say "Thursday is my Friday" and "Wow.  It's a short week for me."  Okay, whining session over.

I ate two donuts today.  I'm not really sure what got into me.  It's something I rarely do even if given the opportunity.  Someone brought in that dreaded pink box to work and I went for it.  So that's my lunch.  I can't eat anything else until I get home.  I have to at least try and balance out the damage in some way.  I'm really trying to be aware of my thought process and my actions right now.  I've been on a good path lately and I would really like to keep it up.  I don't want to fall back to where I was before with all the crap and the junk.  For all the good it does me weight wise.  I just know that it could always be worse.  I suspect my body is capable of being very fat very quickly if I let it.

I took castor oil on Saturday.  I'm either bloated or constipated most of the time and for the last week it's been constipation.  I'd even have a BM and STILL feel backed up.  I just felt full of crap.  Literally.  Hubby said castor oil was a great laxative so I had 4 TBSP just to get some relief.  I know it's not a long term solution.  It was nice to see 119 lbs on Sunday like a dream, but as expected it shot right back up today.  All the way to 123.  I'm a fatty and there really isn't a whole lot I can do about it right now.  That out of control feeling is always there and I'm constantly trying to push it aside because I'm at a loss as to what to do about it.  I probably won't have a BM until tomorrow or Wednesday if I'm lucky but chances are I wouldn't have gone anyways so I guess it's a wash.

Thank you all for your sweet suggestions and tips.  TK, I've thought about a food intolerance before.  To what I don't know?  But because of my jacked up input/output system with the bloating, water retention and constipation it is possible.  I don't even know how to go about checking on that.  K, I've been toying with the idea of upping the cals to 1,300 max.  I adjusted my calorie budget in my app to that but I really don't think I'm ready to go for it yet. I'm pretty certain my metabolism is destroyed and that may be the only way to fix it but it's still a very scary thing because I know how ready my body is to put on weight.  You are right.  Nothing else I've done has worked.  We're approaching a whole year since my weight started spiraling out of control and even as I desperately try to fix it all I've done is gain.  I'm just in limbo right now.  Taking it day by day and dealing the best way I can.