Feeling Even Fatter

I feel even fatter if that's possible.  After my work out yesterday I had the distinct feeling that the tops of my thighs were brushing against each other whereas before I'm not sure if they did.  I found myself walking with my legs kind of apart because it was freaking me out.  Today I feel very uncomfortable in my pants.  Like they feel too tight or something.  The chronic water retention and the fibroids making my belly bulge out don't help matters.  At least I had a BM this morning.  I have this bad feeling that my thigh gap is on it's way out.  What if all this muscle toning and protein is only making me fatter?  I feel like I want to jump out of my skin.  Like, I'm trapped in someone else's body and I can't get out.  It really sucks.  I just feel so helpless.  There isn't anyone I can talk to about it.  First of all I'm embarrassed to tell my husband or anyone else how much weight I've gained.  Then if I do, they'll just say it's a good thing and that I look great.  In my eyes, I'm totally failing here and it feels miserable but no one really understand that. 

Aye Ell, in regards to muscle building and protein with the 30 Day shred and very little straight cardio that's basically all I've been doing.  Since I've been sticking to mostly clean foods and less pasta's and trying to keep my Fat, Carb, Protein ration at 30%-40%-30% I've been eating a lot of Protein.  I'm just a fatty and I feel like there is almost no way out.

Kitty, yes.  I did do that modeling gig back in April and it was amazing.  It wasn't for anything glamorous.  It was a catalog for baby products.  It was so much fun to be back in that world again even if for just two days.  I got my hair and make up done.  I had to change into an outfit and I got to be on set and get paid for someone to take my picture again.  It was fun.  The rate was $150 per hour.  Minus agency fees that's about $800 for doing something I love to do.  I know how you feel when you think about the future and whatever hopes and dreams you had for it versus the reality of what is.  It's really hard.  In this world not everyone gets to do what they love and I've totally accepted that but there are times when it hits me more then others and it gets really depressing.  Like, If I have to come back to this job almost every day for the next 20 years just shoot me now!!  I don't see myself getting another job because I'm a chicken, I'm not going back to school for anything and I really don't have any area of expertise.  The  benefits here are good and if I left where I'm at I'm almost positive I'd end up with a pay cut even though I'm not making a whole lot right now as it is.  I feel stuck.

I'm going to have to work on my attitude though because for the time being this is it and I don't want it getting me down.  When I get down on myself and sad and depressed I can literally feel it affecting my interactions with hubby.  I'm moody and angry.  I'm not my usual bubbly goofy self, I don't feel excited about things and when something goes wrong I feel like I'm seconds from falling apart. Life just feels really hard and difficult and hopeless.  I start to feel sorry for myself and things just continue to spiral downward from there in terms of my mental state.  It's not good.  That's the depressed me that I used to be and I don't want to be that person anymore.