Facing Reality

Sunday morning I ended up sleeping in later then I planned.  When I woke up I needed to do my work out and I didn't feel like doing my work out so I laid in bed and drifted back to sleep to put it off.  Level 1 of 30 Day Shred was pretty easy but now I'm on level 2 and 17 days into the work outs so it's getting harder.

It's finally hit me that I'm not going to lose weight.  For whatever reasons my body will not drop weight.  It will only gain.  The only way that I am physically able to lose any significant amount of weight is when I juice fast.  Giving up food altogether isn't an option so I suppose it's time for me to just accept the reality of it.

I juice fasted from June 12-13th.  Then I was 100% perfect with my diet and worked out almost every single day from June 14th until July 3rd.  That's 22 days of 30 day shred nearly every day and eating really clean, low carb, high protein and rarely exceeding 1,000 calories.  For all my determination I only lost 1 measly pound.  I fell off the wagon on July 4th and 5th.  That morning I was back to square one on the scales.  This means that all of my hard work is for nothing.  All of my clean eating and exercise will always will be for nothing because I will not ever lose weight.  I will never be 118 lbs.  I'll be lucky if I can even get below 120.

So when I finally dragged myself out of my bed and did the 30 day shred I thought it would be the worst work out ever.  It's really hard to be motivated when you know that no matter what you do you will never lose weight.  I ended up crying through half of it.  I actually had a really good work out anyways because the hurt in my muscles was nothing compared to the hurt I was feeling in my heart.

It's hard to to keep putting in the effort when you know that you will not get the results you want but I will finish out the 30 day shred.  I will continue to eat healthy.  I know for certain my body is willing and ready to gain weight for any extra bite so I might as well do what I can to not make things worse.  Plus, I feel worse mentally (and huge) when I eat like crap.   I'd rather not have to go through the feeling of guilt and disgust associated with eating out of control.  It's actually become a habit for me finally.  I'm not craving sweets and chocolate when I get hungry anymore.  I want salads and protein instead.  Not that I'm never going to eat a cookie or eat candy or have splurge meals but I'm finally feeling that I am no longer obsessed with the junk.  I'm able to tell myself that I am full and that I am not hungry and that I should stop eating.  I've even done pretty will with quitting the couch snacking.  Eating "real food" instead of just trying to starve has left me more satisfied and helped with the snack cravings.

The Advocare cleanse really didn't do anything for my digestion like I'd hoped.  My digestive system is difficult.  I'm either bloated or constipated half the time but it was 10 days of getting myself to eat healthy.  Talking myself through the desire to snack and making the right decisions eating out and eating at home.  I learned what it was like choose to eat clean foods with nutritional value over things with empty calories like fat free pringles.  The goal has been to eat and not restrict.  Normally, diet means starve for me so I felt like I didn't know how to eat and do it the right way.  I was determined that I would do it for at least 10 days.  I did that and then kept it going.  It was the re set button that I needed.  If I find myself in trouble again treating my body like a dumpster and pigging out I'll do it again.  It was just the mental thing I needed to get back on track.  The upside is that I those obsessive food thoughts and cravings have quieted.  The downside is that the reality that I won't lose weight has hit me like a ton of bricks.  Restricting doesn't work and turns out neither does eating 1k calories or less of healthy nutritious foods and daily exercise.  I stepped it up.  I did everything right.  And still, I got nowhere.  It's really a sad thing to accept.