Total Fail

The Juice fast was a total fail.  What else is new? I actually did okay only gaining a little bit my first day back to full eating.  I was still in the 119 range which is good for me right now.  Then the next day I went to a baby shower, at some more and literally gained 2 lbs overnight and another since then to the point where I am now above my previous high.  WTF? And it's killing me.  I feel huge.  And I go on vacation #2 tomorrow.  I can just feel my clothes getting tighter.  My sister's husband mentioned to my sister that my butt had filled out when he saw me in Vegas.  This is not in my head.  The scale tells me.  The way some of my clothes fit tells me.  And people are seeing it.  I'm bigger.

There is always a plan though.  It probably won't work but there is always a plan in the wings that I am hoping will save me from my fat ass.  Another damn juice fast.  Why?  Because I'm stupid.  I get back from my trip on Tuesday.  Wednesday to Friday I plan to be on the juice.  Hopefully hubby won't object since I just did one.  I plan on buying Naked Juice.  Giving up food is the only way I ever see my numbers drop and I need to see that.  Even if it's bogus.  It will be the perfect transition into the Advocare Herbal 10 Day Cleanse.  It's a detox that actually allows you to eat food.  I'll start that and combine it with the 30 day shred and a high protein and veggie diet.  If I can transition out of my juice fast properly and not blow it in a matter of days as has been the case the last 3 times I might have a fighting chance.  The protein and veggie diet will continue for as long as I'm doing the shred and then hopefully beyond.  I need to get tough.  I need to realize that I can't snack and eat anymore.  I feel like a total food addict.  It's really starting to scare me and I feel so out of control.  My attitude has totally changed.  I either eat too much because I figure I'm just going to be fat anyways, because I've been starving and I'm hungry or because I want the activity of putting food into my mouth; usually while eating TV.  It has to stop. I have to try to convince myself that with the right diet and exercise I can lose weight again.  I have to try believe that my hard work will pay off.  It used to then it stopped.  I have to hope it will work again.

June has to be my month to gain back some control over my terrible snacking and eating habits.  I can't keep doing this to myself.  I'd love it if I can get some better eating habits to stick.  Hubby leaves for Europe in September for about 2 months.   That will be a great time to push myself more without all the distractions and social events that we end up at because of his friends.  That's a long way off though.  I can't wait until then so it needs to start now.

Kitty's questions:  What does your hubby say about not having kids? He's on board with it.  I asked him if he felt like he was missing out by not having any and he said no.  Most of his friends are on their 2nd one right now.  He hasn't objected to my recent talk about the hysterectomy.  The word for what will be removed is uterus.  It actually does kind of make me sad that I will never have a child when I really think about it but I'm pretty sure that it was not my path to be a mom.  I was never maternal.  I can't handle the expense of children.  I barely have enough energy for myself.  The thought of gaining all that weight is terrifying.  I'm afraid it's just not in the cards for me.  Or for us.  If I were rich I'd save my eggs just in case but I can't afford to do that. If I hit it rich tomorrow I'm 99% sure I'd want a child.  If I had money I'd want a kid.  I just don't want to have one with my current life circumstances.  Which leads me to believe I don't want kids badly enough which leads me to believe that I shouldn't have any.

In reference to my fibroids:
Is there anything you can do about it while you are waiting to take them out? Not really.  When you try to shrink them normally they come back.  I do suspect the hormones in my birth control aggravate them but I'm not about to go off of that.  I just try not to think about my belly or even look at it so much when they are large and causing it to poke out.  They are going to get bigger and I just want them out.  Even though the surgery is terrifying.  They say once a woman hit's menopause and stops making estrogen most of the time they fibroids will shrink and go away completely.  But I have a good 20 years until menopause.  How big will they be by then?  I'm scared to find out.

Miss Genna's question:  Have you noticed more defined / toned muscles that could explain the gain? No, not really.  If anything I feel like I lost some definition in my legs since I focus so much on cardio only.  Going to the gym aided in my weight loss in the  beginning now I'm not so sure if it does much.  Probably because my diet is so screwed.  I've just lost control of my diet and my body.