Still Here

It feels like forever since I last posted.  I'm still here reading and commenting.  Just not posting.  I guess I've just grown weary of saying the same thing over and over again.  I'm feeling fatter then ever lately.  I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I ever actually thought I was thin.  It probably has something to do with my total fail at weight loss lately.  I hate my butt and my thighs.  I feel that my upper body, shoulders, arms and collar bones are fine but I'm really not liking anything below the waist.  I feel stocky, muscular and just big.  I don't really think my body has changed but my perception of my body has somehow taken a nose dive.  I don't feel thin at all and I don't like it.

Hubby has been gone for 2 1/2 weeks now.  I'm in total charge of my food and there is nothing left to blame yet I still haven't lost a damn thing weight wise.  I just keep cycling up and down with no real movement either way.  I had one peanut butter Reduced Fat Ritz cracker binge episode last week.  I told myself I'd eat X amount and ended up eating the whole sleeve.  I was so disgusted with myself that I made myself do an exercise video that night.  Aside from that instance I've done and typically do pretty well with my eating at home.  I've made a point not to buy pretzels or munchies that might do me in.  I did break down and buy Reduced Fat Wheat Thins last night though.  Last Friday I was proud of myself because I went to happy hour and stuck to exactly what I planned to eat which was the free tortilla chips and some cheese.  I didn't over do it.  I had two glasses of wine.  I only gained 0.2 lbs which is totally acceptable.  Then, I went and blew it on Saturday when my mom and I went to an outdoor theater.  We brought Subway sandwiches which was good but I overdid it on the baked Doritos.  I don't know what I weighed Sunday because I spent the night but by Monday even after working out hard on Sunday I was still up.  I've been good so far this week but I'm always just one happy hour or one dinner out away from totally screwing up and undoing any progress I've made.  Mind you, even when I do screw up the calories typically aren't even above 1500 calories (my Saturday screw up was 1,200's) but in order for me to lose it's still too much-and it's the kind of food I'm overdoing it on that probably matters too. 

I stopped taking my Birth Control pill last week and it's been awesome not having to remember to take a pill every day.  With hubby gone there is no point since I'm not having sex.  I'll start taking them again after my period which is one week before I see him.  Work is super busy so the days are flying by.  I've got in my work outs done for the week but I might work out tomorrow because I feel so fat.  And, I'm just going to continue to try to stop eating so damn much when I'm away from home.