Fully Flowing

I had major water retention from Wednesday-Saturday despite keeping up my liquids.  I'd drink up and still not even have to pee and then when I did it wasn't as clear as it should have been considering what I drank.  Thank goodness it got a little better yesterday and I'm feeling fully flowing today.  I hate that feeling of liquids going in and not coming out.  Same with food.  It just makes me feel heavy and disgusting and fat.  Originally, I blamed my food-lunch meat and cheese but I think it may have had something to do with my period as well which is gone now.  I've been running to the bathroom quite nicely today so that's good.

I met up with my ex on Friday.  I always make sure I look my best when I see him.  All the better for rubbing it in.  He is engaged!  They got engaged after eight months but he's miserable.  She doesn't like to do anything and is very negative about his friends and his creative endeavors.  He says all she wants to do is sit in the house and yet he is jealous of his time when he's not home.  Even if he's out with his daughter she's calling.  So of course she called while we were out.  Like three times, followed by a text when he didn't answer telling him that she was done and that he could have his ring back.  I guess they kissed and made up but he says he's planning to break up with her in a couple months anyways.  They live together and he's saving up some money so he can end it and move out.  What a joke.  He really missed out when he let me go and he knows it.  I of course am deliriously happy.  I do feel bad for him in a way.  It's hard to say but even if he had been available and not lying to me about his wife all that time I don't know if we would have ended up together.  You know how sometimes you think you want a bad boy but it's partly just because you can't really have him?  If he had finally gotten divorced and I hadn't met hubby I don't know if I would have wanted him.  He's really not my type; and when he's all down in the dumps he tells me that I went for the "safe" choice and didn't give a ghetto man a chance.  Well, yeah.  I'm the safe type myself so it makes perfect sense.  And what does he mean I didn't give him a chance? I did but he was lying to me and not even available!  Thank god I met my husband because he is perfect for me.  In personality and appearance.  At the wedding a couple of weeks ago this girl said that hubby and I look so good together; like we stepped out of a Catalog together.  She wanted to know "how does that happen?"  I like it that we make a striking couple.  I would not be getting comments like that if I were with the ex.  Not that he's ugly but he's not good looking like my husband.  I like it even more that he's also my soul mate.  Anyhow, we are doing a group happy hour at our favorite hang out on Friday so I'll see him and other friends then.  It's been a while so I'm looking forward to it.  I told him to bring her but he says she won't come.

I did pretty good Friday.  Well, maybe not food wise but somehow I tricked the scale into maintaining.  I ate some of the nachos that he ordered and we split a Margherita flatbread.  And I had a glass of wine.  The scale has gone up 2 lbs since the low I hit last week but I think part of it was because of water retention.  I'm hitting the gym and hopefully I'll see a better number tomorrow.  I found fat free unsalted pretzels and then I proceeded to eat them all over the weekend.  Which is for the best.  I simply cannot have munchy things in my house.  I'm terrible!!!  I do okay with crackers and fat free pringles.  All bets are off for anything chip like where you grab a handful or a few at at time and can pop them in your mouth.  That's why the only chip like things I normally ever keep in my house are things like pretzels or reduced fat veggie crackers.  Tortilla chips or any other kind of chip is too much temptation. 

My weekend was spent mostly laying on the couch and watching TV.  I watched three movies in all.  I did go out and do some errands on Saturday and did laundry on Sunday but I was mostly a slug on the couch.  I feel so guilty for laying around and I hate that because I'm not really doing anything wrong just because I feel like relaxing.  This was my first weekend entirely to myself in a while and I think I really just needed it.  Next Saturday I have plans and I'm ready and glad to go.  I just need to hole up sometimes at home.  Hubby never needs this kind of home time but I do.

Kitty, I am so glad that I am being more positive too.  I was really going through a rough patch with hating myself and my weight.  I just felt terrible.  I guess I just had to wrap my head around not being 112 anymore.  No, I'm not there anymore and I still hate it that I'm not.  I don't know if or when I will ever get there but my size never changed.  My clothes never fit different.  Some days I feel like a fat cow but I know realistically that I don't look any different.  Some days I feel so much sadness and anger over where I'm at and other days I deal with it okay.  I will continue to just do what I always have.  Track calories, mostly restrict and stick with my exercise.  Whether or not I see what I want on the scale, that goal never changes.  It's all a part of me for better or worse.  Through all of these weight fluctuations I've hit 120 once or twice; which sucks but overwhelmingly I am managing to stay in a range that I can tolerate.  Not one I like necessarily but that doesn't totally send me over the edge.  Even though, I've been close several times.  Hopefully, I can continue to maintain under 120-ideally under 118-and even better get closer to 112.  It's taken some time but I'm glad I've been able to sort of get over it and just accept what is for now.  I'm doing my best to get where I want and that's all I can do.