My dashboard has been very quiet lately. I haven't posted much either. It's been a while. I've just been pretty blah and down on myself about a lot of things lately. I got tired of bitching and moaning about it because it seems like it's the same old thing over and over. I'm really doing my best not to let any of my self loathing spill over into affecting my marriage. I'm well aware that if I lost him for any reason there is no point in living.
Direct TV got rid of MTV. I can't watch Teen Mom anymore now. I can't even watch it online because as retaliation they took away most of the full episodes that were available to see online. We no longer have VH1, Nickelodeon or CMT among others but the only one I really cared about is MTV because of 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom and True Life episodes. What a crock.
Work has been slow. I have nothing to do. I have offered to help my supervisor but I guess she doesn't need any so I just sit at my desk all day doing next to nothing and wondering if they know that's what I'm doing. It seems like everyone else has something to do so I feel kind of lame. There is hardly anyone here. Both my supervisors are out so I don't even have to pretend to work today which is nice. I'm getting a lot of writing done and when I get stumped I just put my hand under my chin and stare out the window without having to worry if anyone will see me daydreaming.
I'm still fat. I now have a condition that makes my left eye look slightly smaller then the right so now I feel ugly too. And I'm mean. I cancelled happy hour with a friend I haven't seen in a really long time because I didn't feel like it and I was too afraid I'd overeat. My uncle in law died last week and I didn't even feel that sad. Is that screwed up or what? I'm not close to any of my extended family. It's very sad that he died but I didn't cry and I pretty much didn't skip a beat. I haven't even gotten around to getting a card to send to the family but I definitely plan on doing that this weekend. It makes me think about the fact that there is family that I will probably never see again because I grew up living far away, they still live far away and I never got to know them in the first place. They aren't coming to visit here and chances are I won't go visit them. It's so odd to have a grandmother you don't know but that's all I know. I have family that are practically strangers to me. If I really wanted to try to change that I could try but I haven't. Now that we have Facebook I know that people like my college roommate lives only about an hour from me. I haven't seen her in years and years but neither one of us makes an effort to see each other. Why is that? I feel like if I were a better person I would reach out and make the effort. It's no wonder that I've never had a lot of friends. I'm just not liking myself right now.
Enough of that. This is quite possibly my worst post ever but that's all I got.
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