Feeling Fat

117 lbs

Both pics are me yesterday after doing my Ballet exercise video.  I love this video by the way.  It's my 4th time doing it and I'm starting to get my ballerina legs back.  My Developpe's are above 90 degrees, I'm able to hold and extend further.  I feel strong and graceful since I'm not dying just trying to keep my leg up anymore and finish some of the combos in Releve and catch some air on the saute jumps.  I don't think I look that much different then I did when I was 112 lbs and my clothes don't fit any different but regardless I feel completely fat.  When the number on the scale is too high I just feel fat no matter what.  My thighs and hips feel huge.  My thigh gap is still there but is it me or is it getting smaller?  Is my chest bone becoming less pronounced?  There is always room for improvement but when I was 112 lbs I could at least enjoy feeling thin.  I was actually okay with my reflection.  Now, when I look in the mirror I see an average not necessarily all that thin girl and it makes me feel disgusted and angry.  Then I look again and I just see fat.  I'm simply not thin enough to feel good about myself.  I hate my body so much right now and I'm hating myself for being so weak and unable to lose weight.  It's so frustrating.  It's just 5 lbs (depending on the day) so why can't I do it?   

The weekend was good.  There were no major food disasters and the calories were in check but even so I'm up a pound to 117.  I've been keeping up with the water intake.  I drink the water when I'm not eating so I can accurately gauge my level of fullness from food.  Yesterday I drank 48 oz total pretty much in one sitting.  I drank 24oz and weighed myself.  1 pound up.  I drank the next 24 ounces and weighed myself a couple hours later right before I went to the bathroom and I was another pound up.  Then I weighed myself after I went to the bathroom and I was 0.5 lbs down.  For some reason it makes me feel better to know that 24 oz of water will equal about 1 lb of water weight on the scale.  Obsessed much?  I think yes.  I feel like with all this water my weight is going to fluctuate more and make it even harder to see where I'm at.  I'm not used to fluctuating a pound up a pound down then back up and all over the place so much but I know I need the water and I'm trying something new.  It's not like anything else I do is working.  To be honest if I knew for certain that doing what I'm doing would get me no higher then 118 lbs no matter what then I wouldn't be so upset.  I could live with that.  It's this fear that drives my anxiety.  The closer I get to 118 means I'm that much closer to 120 lbs which would be so awful and then after that what if it doesn't stop?  What if I can't stop it?  I picked 112 lbs because it gives me room to fluctuate and still be okay with my weight.  It's also the edge of scary skinny for me so it makes sense that it's also just one pound above what puts me at the so called 117.5 anorexic BMI.  Not that I expect to stay 112 lbs on the dot every day but if I'm truly maintaining in the range that I want to be in I should be able to hit that number at least periodically.

Oh, what a grey and ugly day it is out there!!  I'm so tired.  Going to the gym will be rough but I gotta do it.  I've been messing around all day and I probably should be writing my book since I'm not actually working and I'm not doing anything else but I'm just so tired.  Speaking of which,  for those of you who wanted to know my book is fiction.  It's about a girl who splits up with her fiance, works a job she hates and embarks on a new adventure.  That's really all I can say right now.  I actually don't even know what she's doing next.