Yesterday was another tiring and exhausting day. I definitely got enough sleep last night so it wasn't that. I felt sick to my stomach by the time I got off work having eaten 4 Snackwells, 1/2 cup Fiber 1 cereal and a Fiber 1 bar for the day. I still went to the gym dreading every step. It was just 30 minutes I could make it. I thought about what I should eat for dinner. If I get the Tacos my calories will be too high but my carbs will be good and if I get the Sandwich my cals will stay low but my carb count for the day would be sky high. God why do we even have to eat!!?? I knew that I needed to eat because I felt so sick and worn out but I was so mad that I had to and annoyed by the internal debate that goes on almost every time I plan a meal. I felt like such a weakling as I walked over to Subway after the gym. I felt like I was giving up. I rarely buy food out when it's just me. That would mean that I'm eating by choice and that I actually enjoy food. I often feel guilty eating "real" food alone. Normally, I probably would have just eaten a PBJ or just some snacks but I felt awful and I needed to nourish my body and not feed it junk. I needed something that would feel healthy, not be too heavy and would get rid of that hollow pit of hunger in my stomach. If I just ate a snack I'd be hungry in the next 5 minutes and then I might reach for something far worse. On Monday night I went for cheese because it's low carb but I had to keep eating it to make my hunger headache go away and in the end I still felt like crap. Subway is usually a safe bet.
After I ate the sandwich my stomach felt barely satisfied. The hunger pains went away and I didn't feel ravenous for anything else but about 1/2 hour later I started to feel sick again. It's almost like I feel well while I'm eating but then it's not quite enough so that after I stop eating then I feel sick again. I debated over and over about what to eat. I played with different combinations in my calorie trackers and compared the carbs vs the calories. If I go for the cheese then the carb count won't go up but I think my body needs a little more then that. I have low carb ice cream but if I have my usual 1/2 cup I'll want cookies too and neither one is very nourishing for my body. I ate the three Girl Scout cookies and then ate a juicy delicious healthy Apple and I think it's just what my body needed. The hunger pains didn't come back. I started to feel a little sick to my stomach again but by that time I was ready for bed. I drank about 20 oz of water throughout the evening and I did NOT weigh myself before bed. I couldn't take it.
So that's the drama that goes on in my head when it comes to food. It's just food and I know I need it but eating it or not eating it is always a battle. This morning I was down 0.5 lbs even with all those carbs! I'm trying not to think about that number one way or the other though because at this point I'm blind. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't have a plan. My bag of tricks has failed me. What used to work isn't right now and the harder I try the worse things seem to get.
I had a lurker come out of the shadows on my last post. Rin suggested I eat 1,500 calories a day just to see what would happen. Doing the same thing over and over hasn't been working so I should try something new. Makes sense. And how weird that someone would have to actually suggest to me to eat normally before I ever even consider it an option for me. Well, I don't know. It's a ground breaking suggestion and I thank you for it. It's a scary thought but I am pondering it. What would happen? More importantly (as always), how much weight would I gain? If I wasn't hungry all the time maybe my obsession with food might be less intense. I just don't know. I'm a woman without a plan right now. I'm just here floundering and not really knowing what to do. I'll just have to see where each day and each meal takes me for now.
I say try it. But try it for reals, like for a whole week, or even TWO. WORST case, you'll gain a couple pounds. but then if you restrict back to 900-ish cals a day, at least then, something will totally happen. All that hunger won't be for nothing. And I'll wager that if you still go to the gym, and you eat 1500 cals a day, you won't OVERALL gain any weight. The first day or two, maybe, but in a full 2 weeks, overall, I bet there would be no gain. And like I said, worst worst case, you could go back to hunger torture and it would really work cuz that 1500 cal time will reset everything.
ReplyDeleteGive it a shot :-)
jenn
I agree with Jenn and Rin.
ReplyDeleteI redacted my comment yesterday thinking I may have stepped out of bounds; but seeing this post and the comments, I think I'll make my suggestion again. Maybe see a nutritionist? Your body is definitely trying to tell you something. Maybe they can help?
I think your body is telling you is that you're lacking vitamins and you need fruits and vegetables. I know when I can't seem to stop the hunger I need fruit so I usually reach for a pear or some berries. Now I know fruits are considered carbs on low carb, but bring in some tomatoes and cucumbers. Or include a serving of berries every day. Just a small handful. You might find that the fibre from the fruits and veggies will keep you full and your body will be thanking you.
Good luck with the new routine if you take it on.
funny but i was thinking this morning the very same thing...what would happen if i slightly increased my calories with good food *not the oatmeal cookies i gorged on last night!!!*? i was thinking more like 1300-1400 to start, 1500 scares me. i've increased my workouts quite a bit so it kinda makes sense dont*cha*think? Rin's comment on Einstein in relation to what we do was a riot and hit all too close to home for me. why do we expect different results from the same thing over and over again? something to think about and perhaps make us come up with a new plan...shake it up, why not!
ReplyDeleteand thanks for your encouraging comment on my binge last night. the results weren't as bad as i thought they would be but i remain on guard.
I actually just emailed you about this, but when I first tried recovery, I was actually eating 1500 calories a day and was able to maintain (if it matters, with a BMI of 15.8). It cut the binge cravings too.
ReplyDeleteMy maintenance plan that I talk about in my blog had me losing three pounds that one week, and then it's like, for the last three weeks I've been up a pound, down a pound, up a pound, down a pound...so everything I try never works either. But I'm scared to eat that much (1500) even though I know it will probably boost my metabolism.
Losing weight after beginning to eat more is pretty common during recovery as the metabolism normalizes, so I think the same would happen to you. It's still less than a tall woman of average weight would eat, but as your body realizes that more calories WILL come, it will not try so desperately to hold onto what you put into it. I also second really sticking to it for a few weeks. You're going to gain a few Not Real pounds early on as you'll have more food in your system (the same way if you weigh, drink 16 ounces of water, then weigh again you have "gained" a pound but you're no fatter than if you stand there holding a glass of water while you weigh). You really have tried everything else.
ReplyDeleteI think that if you up the cals you probably will gain some weight to start with, but as soon as your body gets the chance to understand that it will not be starved that the pounds will fall off :)
ReplyDeleteI really hope you give it a try for few weeks even though it might freak you out for a while..
*hugs*
Eating like a normal person sounds terrifying, but I'm sure you would adjust to a normal amount of calories within a few weeks, even if you gained initially. It's just so frusterating how our bodies will work against us when we try to do everything to get smaller; metabolisms get fucked up, we get cravings, we can get by but not lose anything. I really wish you luck and I know not having a plan really makes you feel directionless, but I wish you well.
ReplyDelete