I Feel Normal

Tuesday night I came home after the gym and ate my 6" Sandwich from Subway.  I was acutely aware of the absence of hunger all day Wednesday.   I also noticed that I wasn't obsessing about food.  I'm not worried about screwing up on my next meal or thinking about what I can shove in my mouth next.  I don't feel like a scavenger.  I don't feel ravenous.  I'm just here without the burden of numbers and weight pushing me down.  I like the way this feels so I really need to examine why this is in hopes that if, or should I say WHEN I begin to start freaking out again I can hopefully bring myself back to this place.  

• #1-The realization that what I actually do hardly makes a difference.  I mean, it does but really, I can't screw things up any worse then I have.  My body refuses to cooperate no matter how hard I try. 
•  #2-  I have no plan.  Feeling like nothing I do or don't do makes a difference left me floundering without a plan and I stopped trying so damn hard.  Normally, I plan for a certain calorie counts and plan to get in my work outs.  I plan that if I do certain things then I will have certain results but really, what good is a plan that doesn't work?  I've eaten and gained, starved and gained, worked out hard core at the gym and gained.  When I do break the plan and indulge I feel like a failure and I'm immediately planning on how little I will eat and how many calories I will burn on the elliptical to make up for it which makes me feel exhausted and deprived and then I obsess about food even more.  I didn't rush to the gym Monday night for damage control.  I went Tuesday but said screw it and didn't go to the gym on Wednesday even though I knew I probably wouldn't (and didn't) go on Thursday because hubby was coming back home.  When it was time for dinner I was not starving.  I didn't use that or the fact that hubby was not home to restrict and I ate the other half of my subway Wednesday.  Afterwards I felt content.  I wanted some cookies so I ate 'em but skipped the ice cream.  I was able to NOT eat the ice cream AND not obsess about not eating it so I didn't feel sad and sorry for myself for not letting myself have it.  I had Subway again for dinner on Thursday with hubby and ate one of the donuts he brought home without feeling like a failure.  Instead of thinking about how the donut would make me fat I thought about how much I love and enjoy donuts and that one little donut will not be the difference between fat and thin.  
• #3- I'm not hungry.  I'm usually so hungry that I'm constantly thinking about what and when I can eat next.  Then, I eat and it's not enough so before I know it I'm hungry again, obsessing over food and feeling sorry for myself because I can't eat normally.  I ate a 6" Ham sandwich from Subway on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.  It's not heavy but it was what my body needed and it's substantial enough to satisfy hunger.  I ate it slowly and acknowledged the feeling of satiety and contentment in my tummy.  I didn't feel so driven by hunger and obsessive thoughts about food to be compelled to go to the kitchen and grab handfuls of pretzels or cut off just one more piece of cheese.

Trying and failing so many times led me to believe that what I do makes no difference, which left me without a plan which allowed me to eat and not be hungry and blow off the gym.  Of course I've been mindful about what I'm eating but  not hard core restricting.  My calorie range has been between 990-1,130 for the past three days but I let myself eat without spending too much time thinking about not eating which means that I'm not starving which means that I haven't been obsessing about food and you know what? I'm down 2 lbs since Tuesday.  I have a Burger Groupon date night planned with hubby for tonight that will include Fries, Beer and Dessert and possibly a probable weight gain but I'm not filled with dread nor am I salivating over how awesome it will be to eat french fries.  I'm not hating myself in advance for my expected lack of control.  I still ate my breakfast (egg beaters) and lunch/snack (1/2 cup Fiber 1 cereal).  I'm not starving so when I thought about reaching for another snack on my lunch break I popped in a piece of gum instead.  I turned down cake that was floating around the office and when I found out there were muffins I did not immediately get up to find them and when I walked by and didn't see them I was not intent on finding out where they were nor angry that I'd missed out.  Tomorrow I might feel very differently but in this moment in time I do not feel dominated by food and numbers or anxious or brimming with gloom and doom about my perceived failure at being thin. It feels so good.  I feel normal and even if it doesn't last I'm just so glad to be experiencing this right now.