Losing Battle

I've been so tired lately.  It's like this blanket of fatigue that never really goes away.  I had a nice weekend hanging with my family.  There was no eating out which was good and while I did eat a lot of carbs (not even bread or pasta carbs) I didn't do too badly on calories.  On Sunday I swear, I woke up tired.  I could hardly even keep my eyes open while I was hanging out with my sister.  We went to pick up her wine and I drank one glass and got so buzzed.  It was crazy.  That morning my dad made scrambled eggs so I had that but there wasn't too much in my system I guess.  I saw my sister in action.  On the way back she was starving so we stopped at Carl's Jr.  She got a Western Bacon Cheeseburger and ate it in the car on our way to the yogurt shop.  She literally walked into the shop with her burger mostly eaten but still in her hand and was placing her order.  She loves food.  So do I and it sucks to deprive myself and be so hungry and still not get results.  I had 2 bites and I swear it was like heaven.  That sucker had 710 calories.  I can totally see it being worth the calories but if I did it then that would be my ONLY meal for the day.  I'd plan for it.  Not her.  

My body pretty much hates me.  I've always known this and I have periods of time where I'm able to "beat the system" but it never seems to last.  I'm not doing much different then I was before.  I might have to face the fact that I've damaged my metabolism.  Which, I didn't think I could do on what I've been eating.  It just seems that no matter what I do it doesn't matter.  I've even upped my calories for the last couple of weeks sticking closer to 1,000-1,100 but it seems that no matter what I do my body is going to gain.  I did 920 cals yesterday and maintained.  I starve and maintain or gain and if I eat just a little bit too much of course I gain.  On Friday hubby brought me his left over Pizza.  I starved all day for it and the thought of that pizza literally got me through the day.  As soon as I walked in the door I didn't even put my purse down before I was turning on the oven.  I was so hungry.  I savored every bite of that pizza and it felt so good to not be starving anymore.  I maintained 115.5 all last week even with that pizza.  Some days eating less and others more like the pizza day-but no weight loss.   Then, over the weekend I gain a pound even still being hungry half the time.  I'm worn out mentally and physically. My body feels gutted and just tired.  Being hungry all the time sucks when your weight doesn't cooperate.  I'm not drinking enough water because I'm afraid of the water weight so sometimes I'm parched.  I barely eat but then what I do eat just stays in.  I don't pee enough, I don't poop enough.  My body is just  not functioning properly and I know it's because I'm not feeding it the right way.  I feel such a lack of control around food that I prefer snacks and I restrict but then I'm hungry and it's really not getting me anywhere right now.  I'll eat a PBJ sandwich and no liquids and gain a whole pound on the scale after it.  Sad that I know this; because that clearly means I weigh in too much.  I just don't know what else to do or where to go from here.  I don't know how to eat normally and just let my body function how it's supposed to.  It's a constant battle.  I feel like I want to jump out of my skin half the time because I feel so huge. I put on my clothes and imagine that they feel tighter.  I feel like I should take back those $130 skinny jeans because I'm going to be too fat for them any day now.  My stomach and my thighs just look disgusting and I feel disgusting.  I imagine everyone looking at me and thinking that I'm gaining weight.  I imagine how awful it would feel to not be thin anymore.  I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle right now and it does weigh heavily on my mind but at the same time I have to try to put it aside because if I think about it too much I'll go crazy.

I hate it when I flake out on the gym and I don't do it often anymore but I just couldn't do it yesterday.  I was just too tired and I had a feeling it probably wouldn't help my situation anyhow.  Nothing really does these days.  I'll go today though.  Hubby is out of town so I really should just come home and drink water but I'm usually just so hungry, tired and head achy that I have to eat a little something and even a little something these days is not enough to make me lose and more then likely it makes me gain or maintain.