One of Those Days

Today is one of those days.  It's Monday.  It's grey outside.  I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and all I want to do is go home.  Instead I'm trying to make it to the end of the work day and I'll be dragging my tired butt to the gym for an hour on the elliptical.  Like it or not.

My frustration level with my weight loss (or lack thereof) reached a breaking point and I snapped.  Thanks for the supportive feedback.  Being insanely upset over 3 lbs might sound ridiculous to a lot of people (hell, it is ridiculous) but so many of you understand what it feels like to be so dominated by weight and numbers.  I could have written AstoriaC's comment myself.  You are struggling right now with holding onto your magic number and you totally get how I feel.  Kitty said "Give your self a couple of weeks of not counting, and not getting on the scale..."  If only I could.  That's part of my problem.  I can't turn this thing off.  Thank you Shebeblu for pointing out that this is my place to vent and that includes ranting, raving, whining and complaining.  Even if it makes no sense.  No one in my real life understands this craziness.  Tempest asked if I had things that I truly enjoy doing.  Yes.  I love to write.  I'm working on a book right now.  She also said  "Here's the fatal flaw in your logic: the difference between thin and fat is not three pounds. Do you realize that you are every bit as thin as the lingerie models I see every time I read your page?"  First of all, I'm not successful like them. Oh how I wish I was.  I'd probably still have issues but at least I'd be rich!!!  The thing about my logic is that it's not logical and I know it but that doesn't stop the thoughts.  I feel like I have no control over it.  I know I'm not fat.  I know that it's only three pounds.  But when I get frustrated and depressed my mind takes on this totally black and white way of thinking.  If I'm not 112 lbs then I'm fat.  If I don't make much money and I don't have a successful career then I'm a failure.  I never made it into a fashion magazine so I failed as a model.  If I'm not thin I have nothing.  Right now I can see that it makes no sense but when I'm down in the dumps I can't see that it doesn't.  Well, I mean I do see that it doesn't make sense but I succumb to the thought process anyways.  God, you all should have seen me back in 2004-2007.  Can we say hot mess?  As if I'm not now but it was 10X worse.  Back then the total failure/black and white logic never shut down.  I was plagued by it 24/7 and I was miserable.  When one bad thing happened the negative thoughts took over and I was rarely able to escape it.  I hated my life and controlling my weight really and truly was all I felt I had.  Now, even though I get down in the dumps I am at least still able to recognize that I have good things in life and just how lucky I am for so many reasons.

I'm in a good place in my life right now.  I'm happy.  Believe it or not.  I love so many things about life and I am very grateful for what I have.  There are people who do have eating disorders and have it much worse then me.  I know that.  At least I can manage it and I know when to stop.  Unfortunately my obsession with my weight can't be contained in one neat little box and it often spills over into other areas of my life.  If I'm unhappy with my weight it taints everything else.  I feel good when I'm 112.  I do get anxious about maintaining but 112-114 is my sweet spot and as long as I'm there I'm all good.  I don't even mind going above as long as I can get back down and I feel like I'm control.  When I feel totally out of control is when I get really upset and frustrated. The fear of not being thin and losing something that I value so much overwhelms me.  I insist backwards and forwards that I don't have an eating disorder but my though process and level of frustration over 3 lbs doesn't make sense and it's hard to ignore what an impact my "diet obsession" or whatever the hell it is has on me.  As always though; I'm plugging along.