It simply doesn't matter how hard I try anymore. I'm fat, my body hates me and my metabolism just might be my worst enemy. I'm dammed if I do and damned if I don't. I'd say I'm over it and that I give up and give in and will start eating Pizza any damn time I feel like it but I can't. I want to quit this madness but I can't. It wasn't ever a choice in the first place. It's either be the weight that I want to be or else feel like a worthless lump of a failure inside my own skin. I'm no good at anything else. I know that there is more to life but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I need to be skinny. I'm not that smart. I'm not a roaring success in life. I'm not the prettiest, my wardrobe and hair are okay and I don't have that many friends. Being thin is the ONE coveted thing that I can hold onto to feel good about myself even if everything else about me is just so so. I love many things about my life and I'm grateful for what I got; don't get me wrong but it's ordinary. It's not the successful well off type of life that I dreamed I might live and I mostly try not to think of the fact that I'm going to grow old and gray working at my same job for at least the next decade and a half because retirement is just another dream. I used to feel sorry for those dumpy gray haired ladies at my first job out of college who had been there for 15-20 years. I had stars in my eyes a few years into my time there and the only thing that kept me going was hope that I wouldn't end up like them.
There are talented and smart people in this world. There are wealthy people who get to enjoy life the way they want to and not drag themselves to work every day at a job that has no substance and hoard away vacation days. I get it. It's my fault for not doing or being better. They knew what to do, how to do it and did what it takes to live the good life. Either that or they were born at the right place at the right time. I am not one of those people. My current life circumstances basically match my level of motivation and ability. I've learned to accept that. I don't even have to be the thinnest. I'm not trying to be ill here like I used to. I know where to draw the line but I must be thin and it pains me terribly that I'm failing miserably at it right now. It's the only thing I've ever known what it feels like to be a success at. I don't want to lose at this.
Daily Report for Tuesday, April 24, 2012
| Daily Log |
| Breakfast |
| 283 |
| Sandwich, Peanut Butter & Jelly (3.1oz) | 1 Serving | 245 |
| Coffee, brewed w/tap water | 10 Fluid ounces | 3 |
| Creamer, Irish Creme, Liquid, Nestle Coffee-Mate | 1 Tablespoon | 35 |
| Lunch |
| 340 |
| Chicken Breast, Grilled, Foster Farms | 2 Ounces | 60 |
| Cheese, Cheddar, Block (28g/1"), Ralph's | 1 Ounce | 110 |
| Nuts, Almonds, Whl, Diamond | ¼ Cup | 170 |
| Dinner |
| 278 |
| Apple (5oz M, 9oz Lg) | 6 Ounces | 98 |
| Pretzels (28g/53), Rold Gold | 53 Sticks | 100 |
| Cheese, Monterey Jack, Block (28g) | 1 Ounce | 80 |
| Snacks |
| 92 |
| Grapes, fresh | 1 ½ Cups | 92 |
| Exercise |
| 300 |
| Elliptical 300 | 30 min | 300 |
| Nutrients |
| Fat | 43g | 36% |
| Saturated Fat | 11g |
|
| Cholesterol | 82mg |
|
| Sodium | 1251mg |
|
| Carbohydrates | 120g | 45% |
| Fiber | 15g |
|
| Sugars | 64g |
|
| Protein | 49g | 18% |
| Summary |
| Food Calories | 993 |
| Exercise Calories | 300 |
| Net Calories | 693 |
| +/- Calories | -422 |
| Weight | 115.0 FAT |
sadface. I wish I could tell you something magic so you'd feel better. I think you are beautiful! You're caring and sweet and I've never seen your face but I've seen your arm and just the pictures you've posted here and I GUARANTEE probably 80% of the women you come in contact with covet your bod. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. You're such a creature of habit, but I wonder if changing up your diet completely might do something. Don't get me wrong: I REALLY dont' think you need to worry. But I also think that your favorite weight of 112 is reasonable. maybe you could go gluten free for a week, or try some different weird food plan? It would give you something to focus on and be meticulous about. And you know me--I have LOTS of "weird food" ideas ;->
ReplyDeletexo
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ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful. Definitely not worthless. You are smart and important to us. If you weren't we wouldn't be here. We love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling bad. I think we all know the worthless feeling all too well. I was wondering, though... have you ever been tested for thyroid problems? Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and so sweet. Don't put yourself down like that. We are so self critical that we lose sight if the things that make us beautiful or the things in our lives that make us happy. It's hard to find the balance between weight and everything else but it's a work in progress. Hang in there
ReplyDeleteHere's the fatal flaw in your logic: the difference between thin and fat is not three pounds. Do you realize that you are every bit as thin as the lingerie models I see every time I read your page? You have a different body type, but look at them, even they have thighs that touch... you are thinner. If you are 112 or 115 or 118 you are still incredibly thin. Your idea of "fat" is the medical establishment's idea of "underweight." (BMI still not crossing over 18.5) You have NOT lost "thin"!
ReplyDeleteEven so, I do wish for a life free of the obsession for you. I've been reading for a long time and honestly you never seem happy, regardless of where the number falls. Even if it's a number you like, you are still worrying about how to keep from gaining the inevitable pound or two. It's not fair that you slave day in and day out and never get to really be satisfied. Is there something you really truly love doing? You don't have to be the world's best at something to love doing it.
Just want to let you know that I feel the exact same way. Every time i get on the scale and the number is bigger than it was the day before I just want to die. Being thin is the only thing that I have and I never want to lose it. I never want to lose the awesome clothes that I can fit in or the envious looks I get from other girls. I just want to stay this way forever but my metabolism just doesnt want to help me.
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better for you but just know that you are not alone
Astoria
oh gosh...i just want to give you a great big hug. life is so hard sometimes. we have ups and downs. you will get past this downer of a feeling. yes, this was not a choice but you will strive forward and do the best that you can do with what you've been dealt both emotionally and financially. you know that i among many others look to you for many reasons least of which is your conviction to putting your all into every thing you do. your a great writer too! your disorder is just one facet of who you are. you seem to me to be a loving and dedicated wife, daughter, sister, auntie (i'm sure that's a short list and there are many other hats you wear) i've enjoyed your many family get together anecdotes. friends are overrated. i count myself lucky to have one, yes one! i too have been reading your blogs for quite some time now and i don't see that you are *never* happy, so i respectfully disagree with the post above. *never* is such a strong comment. don't forget this is a place to vent about your deepest darkest feelings and not sugarcoat things. i could go on and on but just know i feel your pain and wish for it to ebb very quickly.
ReplyDeletehugs,
lu
you are so much smarter, stronger, more amazing that you give your self cred for.. I thnk you are wonderful - and I really wish you could see how we see you..
ReplyDeleteI must say I agree with tempest.. and I was thinking, maybe you need to take a break..
Give your self a couple of weeks of not couting, and not getting on the scale.. take a weekend off with your hubby or something like that... and just see how you feel.. What do you think about that?
Again, im so sorry you are feeling this way.. *hugs*
You are beautiful and strong, even if you don't believe it right now. You do, however, need to believe it eventually because you will inevitably feel unhappy and tortured for the rest of your life if you cannot see the beautiful, good things you bring to the world. You are a kind and loving wife and a dedicated employee, among your other fine qualities. Don't measure your success based on others' accomplishments.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a better day today, with a better mindset, than yesterday. You are a truly lovely woman, and you need to know that.
<3 big hugs and all of my love and support, I'm really sorry and sad to see you feel like this
I'm sorry your having it rough.. but I know how you feel... seriously I could have wrote what ou wrote above. we have alot of simularites and stuff in common..i'm stuck at 120 (gross!!)... my goal is 115 right now.... and then down to 110.. we can do it tho! if you need anything let me know! we can get skinny together!!
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the strongest women I know (even thought we don't know each other in real life). You really are. I'll always be in admiration of your focus, your disciple, and your desire to reach your goal. I agree with the other girls - you're so much better than you imagine yourself to me and you should give yourself more credit for that! You're smart, beautiful, kind, etc. You're also an amazing writer and story-teller. I get excited every time I see an update from you. You're also loved, and you have an awesome hubby to prove that. Chin up, stay strong. You can do this :)
ReplyDeleteHey lady, are you on FB? I was just wondering if we could connect more than just through our blogs... feel free to email me anytime if you want too (sshoemakerAThotmailDOTcom)
ReplyDeleteOh lady, you are thin. Very thin. 115 pounds at 5'7 is tiny. You need to not be so hard on yourself! This has been going on for years and years for you, and I know you're tired and life didn't go exactly as you wanted, but that's exactly how life is; there's a begining, and end, and the rest is a struggle.
ReplyDeleteI know you wrote this a bit ago, but I can relate SO much. Even though I have a job, I don't really feel like I excel in it, nor do I feel like it's what I am passionate about. And other than the internet, I don't really feel like I have any hobbies. Except dieting, and lately I feel like I'm a failure at that given I've been stuck at the same weight for months now.
ReplyDelete