Jealousy

jeal·ous·y

[jel-uh-see]  

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2.  mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3.  vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

4.  a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

en·vy

[en-vee]

1.  a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

2.  an object of envious feeling: Her intelligence made her the envy of her classmates.

3.  Obsolete. ill will.

verb (used with object)

4.to regard with envy; be envious of: He envies her the position she has achieved in her profession.

My co worker was all worried about how she's going to pay for her wedding.  They are so expensive.  We have no money saved and we don't want to go into debt.  I told her about how I managed to pull mine off in just under $12k.  I sympathized with her anxiety about how expensive everything was and nodded my head in agreement about how you really just can't get everything you want.  You'll have to say no to a lot.  Then, her parents decide they are going to foot the tab.  She bought a $3K dress now and they have literally given her blank checks.  She is no longer a fellow beer budget bride and while she'll need to be reasonable, for the most part she can get what she wants and won't have to say no to everything...like I did.  No Fair.  I'm happy for her but jealous.

A good friend of mine...well can I really say good friend when I haven't seen her in so long?  Well, anyways she doesn't have to work.  Designing jewelry is her passion and she gets to do it because her husband makes good enough money to support them both.  She has her own business.  At her B Day dinner so did all of her friends.  They were all self employed and I felt like the loser nobody who has to go to work every day for somebody else.  She can do what she loves without truly having to worry if it will ever turn a profit.  For a while we were both pursuing modeling and I was limited beyond belief because of my job but she was free as a bird to give it her best shot.  Her husband finally got sent to an awesome work location and she has decided to go along.  She's in Brazil for 90 days exploring a new country.  She doesn't have a job tying her down.  She gets to just live life and be happy.  When my husband got sent to Australia could I go?  Nope.  This ball and chain job has me on lock down.   I'm caught in the grind of trying to squeeze everything in on the weekends and after work and that's something she knows nothing about.  Sometimes I find it difficult to relate to her because our challenges in life are so different.  And, maybe because I'm jealous.

My good friend is wealthy.  He is an executive.  He travels to all kinds of cool places for work and makes a lot of money.  He and his wife travel to Europe and they can afford a nanny.  His wife has a really good job too.  She can work a flex schedule and/or work from home.  She actually just got promoted which is why they are moving.  She has a "real" career.  She is getting her Master's degree and they have two kids.  She is the same exact age as me but she is light years ahead of me in terms of life success.  They are going to be making more money and moving to a place with a lower cost of living so they are actually getting even richer.  They are trying to decide if they should buy one house or two.  He is constantly posting Life Is Grand on FB while he is doing some awesome thing that I probably never will because I have neither the time or money for it.  Life is Grand.   Yeah, maybe for you.    

I read a blogger who lives in the same town as I do.  She has two kids and doesn't work.  Her life is like one big party or play ground.  They have been on two cruises and I cannot count how many trips since I started reading her blog.  Every month she's going on a trip out of town.  She is a member of "The Club" whatever that is where she meets her friends and they have expensive meals.  She goes out to dinner at fancy restaurants every other night.  And my goodness does she eat a lot.  She's a food blogger and from the looks of things I don't think she's ever gone hungry in her life.  Her weight is higher then I could tolerate; she posts it on every blog post, but she looks good.  She'll mention going to Starbucks and getting some work done but I have yet to figure out what work she might be referring to.  She takes the kids to school and then she is free to work out and do whatever else it is that people who aren't chained to a 9-5 job get to do.  She takes cooking and yoga classes and never seems to have to worry about finding a babysitter.  She lives life without having her time sucked away by a 40 hour a week job AND is rich.  Must be nice.  Jealous much?

I read this other blogger who has a housekeeper and lives in a high rise LA condo.  She has been to NYC twice since I started following her blog.  Her in laws are rich and her 8 year old daughter wears Tory Birch flats.  For those of you who don't know, those shoes are uber expensive.  I can't afford them.  She doesn't work; or at least I don't think she does based on what I've read.

Sometimes I get jealous of my big sis.  While I'm at work she's taking her son to the park, hanging at the mall and doing group outings with the other stay at home mom's in her meet up group.  When she says that she likes to have no plans on the weekend I wonder what that means because when you don't work isn't every day sort of like a weekend?  You can make any day you want into your weekend.  Saturday and Sunday are not necessarily differentiated in any way because you don't work any days of the week.  Without a job sucking up every spare minute she just gets to live her life.

And those are just the regular folks.  What about celebrities?  People who get paid 1 million dollars a year for doing what they love.  Reality TV show stars can get paid thousands of dollars just to show up at a club for one night.  I won't lie.  Back in the day I applied to be on The Real World.  I even tried to get on America's Next Top Model.  Don't even get me started on supermodels.  To just be born a beautiful genetic freak that gets paid thousands of dollars just to have someone take their picture and strut down a catwalk while adoring eyes watch their every step.  Why can't I be a Victoria's Secret model?  I'd like to be a entrepreneur with a successful home based business that lets me work from home.  I want my dream job.  Granted, rich folks and celebrities often have lots of issues but my goodness.  How awesome would it be to have been smart enough, talented enough or creative enough to figure out a way to make lots of money and live the the kind life you really want?   Life is meant to be lived but sometimes I don't feel like I have the time to live it.

So, I'm not going to proclaim to know everything about everyone or that their lives are perfect.  We all have our crosses to bear.  My co worker has had a rocky relationship with her parents in the past and lives in a tiny, tiny two bedroom house.  My girlfriend's husband is away a lot for work, she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents and she has a lot of dental problems.  I don't even know either of those bloggers personally.  For all I know the food blogger's husband could be beating her and she could be miserable about how much she weighs.  I also know that "main stream" bloggers don't put all their business out there; and I don't blame them.  My big sis is really down on herself because she hasn't done school and has gone no where career wise.

I know that my life isn't half bad and that there are many less fortunate then I.  For all I know there might be someone out there who is actually jealous of me for some reason or another...though I highly doubt it.  In the grand scheme of things I'm pretty lucky.  I have my health.  I love my house, my husband and my family.  My job is tolerable and I make enough money to keep the bills paid.  I get out and do things...when I have time and money to do it.  I have a perfectly good and decent life yet that still doesn't stop these thoughts from taking over from time to time.

I was watching Scouted.  This show is about model scouts who pluck girls from out of nowhere and launch them into modeling.  I was literally boiling over with jealousy.  To be 15 years old, beautiful and tall.  To have been born for it; to have that chance to earn a bunch of money and travel the world.  That is what I wanted and dreamed about for myself.  I never had the height or the edgy look so high fashion was never an option for me.  I knew that and I pursued the commercial route and did okay for myself but still didn't "make it."  I'm way over it by now....until I watch a TV show like that.  I don't like this side of me.  This ugly evil beast who seethes with jealousy over things she does not have.  I wish no ill will upon anyone.  I am happy for whatever good fortune people enjoy.  It just really bums me out sometimes that I haven't figured out a way to get such good fortunes for myself.  I don't have the brains, the talent, the looks, the savvy, the ambition, the guts or whatever else it takes to go after and get what I really want in life.  This is not the first time nor will it likely be the last that I feel this way but writing it out to helps me work through it.  I want to release these thoughts into the universe and out of my head.