Ok....so maybe I am freaking out a little here. The fact that I weighed in at 115 AFTER a BM and then weighed the same today after another BM is making me more then a little nervous. Especially with a dinner out tomorrow and Thanksgiving on Thursday. Me, oh, my. I took my last (of 4) super cleanse today. I'm going to the gym today and I have 746 cals of food plugged into my calorie tracker for the day that upon pain of death I do not intend to deviate from in the slightest. Tomorrow the only time I'll be able to fit the gym in is if I go in the morning and then I want to go on Wednesday too. Hubby's dad gets here tomorrow night but I don't think they'll be worried about trying to hang out with me. I need to stay under 800 calories until Wednesday and work out every day. Even then, I don't know if I will be able to undo the damage. Oh, dinner Tuesday night. Crap. It's the usual dinner spot for his friends. They like to split the damn bill and there are not too many super good options. I'd like to order a side green salad and just eat the bread but I'd still end up walking out of there with a $50 tab on my own so I'd get screwed. I was actually considering a Chicken Caesar salad just 'cause it's been years since I've ordered one because of the fattening yet delicious Caesar dressing but since Saturday's gain I don't know. The only other salad is a Shrimp Greek and I don't like Shrimp or half the stuff in there. They have no light or FF salad dressings anyways and I don't trust their Vinaigrette to be light.Chances are I'll just have to order a full on entree and just pick at it. If only I could just pay for what I actually want to eat...but I don't know how it would look asking for a separate tab. I'm short on time....and obviously will power considering my pig out extravaganza from Saturday. I couldn't even be bothered to work out on Sunday. With the rain and all....I just didn't have the heart. It's my own fault that I'm in this situation.
I want you to know that I am making an effort to eat more and not be so obsessed with eating as little as possible.
Oh really. I'm glad you are making an effort to get better but I don't see any difference.
What? You see me pigging out all the time. We ate pizza twice in the last two weeks. We had Mexican food three Friday's in a row-I had 2 tacos. How can you say there is no difference?
Pizza is your favorite food. You always eat that. And you always eat two tacos. Just the other day I can tell nothing has changed. I asked if you wanted to do lunch Friday and you say NO. I see no physical difference whatsoever.
I do my best to explain it away. Well, you said you wanted to eat out for dinner. I'm not eating lunch AND dinner out. That's spending too much money.
So, I thought since I kind of have been more lax with my eating as of late that I could just slide that in and emphasize to hubby that things are changing and that I am trying. Something tells me he's not really buying it. I try to casually mention every time I eat something not in his presence. I made sure to tell him I ate five tacos at the party and over the weekend I made an egg beater sandwich for breakfast while he was out biking and I made sure to mention it. Realistically, thanks to my last binge I'm only about 3 lbs off from where he wants me to be. Although, I don't think it's truly real weight. I mean, it is real weight since it sat there for two days in a row so far but not weight that is going to show up on my body just yet. There is usually a bit of a lag time on that and I'd have to be consistently weighing in higher.
My weight keeps creeping up to higher and higher highs which is not a trend that I want to continue. This is all part of the cycle. The last time the high crept up to 120 about this time last year actually; which triggered weight loss down to 112. This time around I've not let it get that far out of hand but if the pattern of cycles repeats this is what will happen. I get weak and lazy, the highs get higher, then I have to re commit to restricting again to consistently get to the lower numbers I want. I don't intend to go below 112 lbs. I can be really good for a while and then I start having too many "splurge" days and I notice the highs getting higher again so the cycle starts all over again. The good news is that I haven't gotten up to 120 this time; the bad news is that I'll have to get real strict with my eating again AND try to do it without alarming the husband who is already set on high alert. Tonight I'm hoping to get away with an Apple, Almonds, and string cheese for dinner without any fuss. I might have to make up a huge lunch or a stomach bug or something. I hate the dishonesty in that but I also hate it that what I eat is an issue in the first place at all.
Comments:
K: What class are you taking?
I'm taking 2. A paralegal class and a Nutrition class. The class I just took a quiz on was Nutrition. Our next assignment is diet analysis. A week ago she says we can get a leg up by starting to track 3 typical days of food. Uh, I guess I got a real head start since I've been tracking religiously for the last year. The Eating Disorders section is coming up soon. I'd better get an A on that quiz.
Must be really frustrating to have him say those things to you.
ReplyDeleteThis has been a big struggle for you and you have tried to make the changes. So I sort of think it is a tad unfair that he is being like that.
And you know - you can fix this. Try not to panic over the upcoming days. Try to enjoy your dinner out with your hubby and his friends and don't give him the chance to pinpoint it - and enjoy thanksgiving.
You can and will get where you want to be in no time.
I know it's coming from a place of caring but it must be very stressful to know your husband is concerned and monitoring your eating. Have you ever wondered if age was a factor in the highs getting higher? I ask bc everyone seems to say that your metabolism changes at the end of your 20s and it's something I think about. I wonder what would happen if I stopped exercising/watching what I eat if my weight would be crazy high bc I'm no linger 20.
ReplyDeleteThe splitting the bill thing would drive me nuts, esp if it was never fair.
As for the dinner challenge.....ask for your own tab. At the end of the day you're the only paying your rent, not your/his friends. Anyone who is insulted (which they shouldn't be..) can shut up. I had a similar issue this weekend on what to order and I did the caeser salad, no crutons and dressing on the side. Worked like a charm!! Hopefully that helps a bit.
ReplyDeleteI know my bf and mom watch me. My mom has no problem speaking her mind but she has issues with food so I think that's wy she doesn't alot. My bf I think just knows better. I know it must be so much harder in your situation because you are married.....ugh....he's there 24/7. I hope things work out and he starts giving you the credit you deserve for at least trying. Its better than nothing and he should recognize that.
Stay Strong Love!!
*hugs*
Hang in there girl. I know it's hard and stressful to try and defend/explain yourself to your hubby but he clearly loves you so much and is just concerned about your weight. It seems like you're doing a good job managing this all though.
ReplyDeleteSplitting the bill like that always stresses me out, but for some reason I'd rather pay more than eat more. So even if I pay $50 for a salad I'm OK with that because I'd rather not pay $50 and eat a huge dinner that's just going to cost more in terms of time/effort working those extra dinner lbs off :)
I know I have no idea and don't know your husband but I'm sure he just cares about you. Having said that perhaps eating a larger portion of lower calorie food would help? You know, seeing you eat a large bowl of say veg soup or veg curry would look like a decent meal but only set you back a few hundred calories and be full of goodness.
ReplyDeleteWhy not get the salad with the dressing on the side? enjoy it! & I'd just ask for my own tab- if people get annoyed maybe just say you have to leave early or something?
Hope it all goes well xxx
I hate the cycle. I go through a similar one. In fact, I've been creeping up the higher end of the scale lately. I'm hoping to beat the cycle. Let's beat it together! :o)
ReplyDelete