I Couldn't Stop Eating

Saturday was busy.  My day was wake up, clean house, grocery shopping, get ready for a party.  We went to my friend's 30th birthday party.  I walked in and my eyes immediately zeroed in on the deviled eggs and tortilla chips sitting on the kitchen island.  Hubby went outside, got some drinks and parked himself outside to chat with some buddies while I parked myself next to the appetizers.  For some reason Tortilla chips never tasted so crunchy and delicious.  I couldn't stop eating them.  Then came the tacos.  She hired a guy to make authentic street tacos.  I started out with one each of chicken, steak and just a little bit of beans and rice.  They were so good.  They were like the best tacos I'd ever eaten.  I relished every single bite and then I had more tortilla chips and then I had more deviled eggs bringing my total consumed to 4.  I drank vodka and cranberry juice and one single shot of vodka.  I decided to go back for two more tacos!!  I was unstoppable.  My stomach was full but I just couldn't stop eating.  It was sort of like an out of body experience.  I knew what I was doing and that I was full and should just stop but I kept on going.  The food was just so tasty.  I was out of control and even the consequences I'd face on the scale couldn't stop me.  I topped it all off with a slice of Red Velvet birthday cake.

The party was really fun.  Everyone was nice and there was good music playing.  Her E vite said cocktail attire so I wore a really cute little dress even though it was freezing out but there were people who showed up in jeans.  I did my make up and curled my hair.  I looked pretty hot if I do say so myself.  Hubby said so too!  My black pumps held up well and my feet didn't hurt at all.  Hubs drank too much and ended up throwing up in the bathroom.  He's so cool about it though.  He's like, I'll be right back.  He goes to the bathroom and comes back all nonchalant.  You'd never even know he was drunk or sick.  Then, he did it again.  He was fine today though. 

We didn't get home until after midnight.  I took a super cleanse before going to bed.  I weighed 115 this morning after a BM.  For breakfast I had water.  Then I snacked on a serving of Almonds, light string cheese and and an apple.  I told myself I would only eat things that came from the earth so that was a good start.  I took another super cleanse in the morning and I'll take one more tonight to clean out.  I'll probably end up eating a sandwich tonight. for dinner  The calories WILL be low.

I cannot believe how out of control I was.  My calories were awful and it's not just my disordered mind speaking either.  Anyone would agree that 2,297 is A LOT of calories.  Of course I know this because I track calories religiously even when I know how disgustingly high the number is going to be.  I was a pig but I have to admit I enjoyed it.  I'm thinking that I'm going to continue to watch the intake of course as per usual but will re commit myself to at least seeing the lower end of my maintenance weight in the new year.  I've hit 112.5 for a day or two here and there but it's been a while since I was at 112.  My mind set is too off and there is just too much going on to do it right now.  I'm doing Ok dealing with 113-115 which I think is a good thing.  It's actually kind of comforting to know I CAN blissfully indulge.  I might gain and then I can lose to a more acceptable number.  I'm not as fearful that I've totally lost control every time the number goes up which was causing me way too much anxiety that I can do without.   I do still want to see lower numbers again though too.

 I really think I have a food addiction.  When we were in the grocery store earlier that day there was an unmanned cheese sampling station set up.  Instead of just grabbing one or two cheese cubes I kept going back over and over for more up until we left the store.  I'm constantly having to fight the urge to eat pretzels and other snacky things like that.  I always want to be munching on something when I'm reading on the Internet, watching TV or watching a movie.  My behavior at the party is a perfect example.  I am simply mesmerized by food.  I spend a lot of time thinking about eating it AND not eating it.  It's a miracle that I'm not overweight.  Somehow I've managed to keep enough of a lid on it so that I'm actually underweight.

Today was spent at home watching TV, napping and doing homework.  Speaking of which I need to get a little bit more done.  I ended up getting an 85% on that test I took last week.  Short week coming up for Thanksgiving break.  Yeah!