Too Fat Weekend

Hubby doesn't know exactly how much I weigh.  He has his guesses about what I weighed on our honeymoon last year and what I weigh now.  I also make sure I eat in front of him and try not to make a big deal about food in general.  I can't hide it 100% because it's just such a big part of who I am but I really have made a big effort to minimize weighing in and not obsessing too much verbally and maximize the whole Oh yeah, I eat a lot part.  But, he can see that I'm thinner. My appearance and the baggy butt in my jeans don't lie.  I needed to clarify his statement of last week that I needed to gain weight so I asked him about it.  "Why do I need to gain weight if you think I look good."  His answer.  "Because I don't think it's healthy for you to be so thin and to be at this weight."  OK.  So, just give in.  Here is your excuse.  You didn't just give up and lose control.  You will not have failed.  Your hubby told you to gain.  It's OK.  Just let it happen.  Stop counting those calories so religiously.  Stop worrying about every  bite.  For a moment I even felt a bit of relief at the prospect.  But it didn't last for very long. 

I decided to throw caution to the wind.  Just eat.  Don't think about the number on the scale.  If you gain it's OK.  You need to gain weight anyways because your husband is actually concerned about your health AND if push comes to shove you can always loose it again right?  Four pieces of pizza on Friday.  I wasn't even full like some kind of bottomless pit.  After 10 days I finally took an actual dump that night.

Saturday morning.  Hubby brought home a reduced fat egg white and turkey bacon sandwich from Starbucks.  Sigh.  We had dinner plans that night but I ate it anyways.  Normal people eat more then one meal in a day so I will too. We spent the day running errands and shopping.  Dinner that night was so much fun.  We met up with friends of mine that I haven't seen since our wedding.  That was over a year ago!  So, it's very sad that it's taken so long for us to meet up. They are moving out of state and so it was now or never.  We needed to make it a priority.  We met them downtown and this jazz bar.  The food was way expensive and I freaked out a bit because usually we are out with hubby's friends so he pays but this time it's me and my friends so I'd be on the hook.  $10 cocktails, $8 wine, $12 Appetizer, $32 entrees and $10 deserts.  That easily can add up to $100+.  But, we were out and having a good time at a nice restaurant and I felt really cute in my high heeled brown boots and leggings.  I pushed thoughts of money from my mind and just enjoyed myself.  I should have known I needn't worry.  C & W picked up the tab.  They are wealthy.  I've never had to pay for anything when I hang out with them.  C wouldn't let me pay and I was glad for that and I tried not to feel too bad about it.  They are loaded.  I suppose if I were just straight up rich like them I'd probably do the same. We had a really great time.

I didn't gain anything after my Pizza on Friday (miracle) but Sunday I woke up at 115 lbs!!  Hubby went out and got me another RF breakfast sandwich from Starbucks AND a Mocha Frappucino Light.  I know what he's trying to do.  There was no way in hell I could eat that sandwich.  I told him I wasn't even hungry and I'd save it for work Monday.  He protested but I was not having it so that was that.  I took a giant BM (3rd day in a row!!!) that had to weigh at least a pound but the number on the scale still didn't go down.  I went to my mom's house where I met up with my sister and nephew while hubby went over to his friend's house.  My nephew is the cutest thing EVER!!  I munched on some crackers and cheese. I ate a burger for dinner with some veggies and roasted potatoes on the side.  Just go with it I told myself.  Just eat the food.  You're going to have to gain the weight anyways.  Just see what happens.  

What happens is I gain weight and feel like a total fat pig.  I feel bloated and huge and disgusting.  I took a super cleanse last night.  I waited out the 10 days of constipation because I insisted on going naturally on my own before relying on a supplement.  Now, I just want to continue to clean out and start from scratch again because I DO NOT want to gain weight.  I just don't.  I've been freaking out about being at 114lbs when I want to be 112 lbs. And no, my clothes do not fit any differently nor do I look any different with those 2 lbs of weight gain.  I really need to learn to relax about those 2 lbs but to go to 118 lbs will be a different story.  I will still look slim but I know that I will fill out my clothes better and the gap between my thighs might start to get smaller, which will make me feel fat which will make me feel terrible. I've thought about just telling him I gained or that I'm eating and not gaining.  I don't know if that will work but I suppose I might still try that especially after this weekend. I'm 115 lbs but hopefully it's not "real" weight gain and I can get down to at least 114 before the week is out.  There are no food events planned so actually, I'm home free....and very mad at myself for allowing myself to indulge so piggishly over the weekend.

My weekend was gone in an instant.  It was a good one but it was kind of non stop and it went so fast.  I was pretty tired this morning.

My dad got a donor Kidney this morning.  He's at the hospital right now.  I'm tired as hell and I was planning on hitting the gym right after work but of course I will be there for my mom and my dad.  I'm waiting on an update from my mom.  She is supposed to let me know when he goes into surgery so I can go there and wait with her.  Ideally, I'll be able to keep myself awake and alert long enough to wait with her until my dad comes out of surgery and out of recovery.  It's a 4 1/2 hour surgery.  Then, I think I'll still go to the gym even though that means possibly falling asleep on the Elliptical and getting home super late.  I can avoid dinner today that way.  And, I'll avoid dinner tomorrow because I have class.  Oh, boy I am so tired.  I'm not even sure how I'll make it through the day.    My dad is having a kidney transplant.  How much I weigh is such an insignificant blip on the radar compared to that.  He's been waiting about 3 years for it. This is a big day.