noun /ˌmēdēˈäkrətē/
mediocrities, plural
mediocrities, plural
- The quality or state of being mediocre
- - heroes rising above the mediocrity that surrounds them
- A person of mediocre ability
Web definitions
- averageness: ordinariness as a consequence of being average and not outstanding
- second-rater: a person of second-rate ability or value; "a team of aging second-raters"; "shone among the mediocrities who surrounded him"
- (mediocre) moderate to inferior in quality; "they improved the quality from mediocre to above average"
- (mediocre) poor to middling in quality; "there have been good and mediocre and bad artists"
It's always been this way. Reading old journals it's the same old thing. I am always wanting to be better then I am but don't know how to do it.
March 8, 1998
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I'm never happy. It seems like I'm never satisfied with my life or anything. Does my life really suck that much or is it just me? I just don't know anymore. I just want to be happy. Oh well, I guess this is what I deserve in life. I just feel like a loser.
I've made peace with where I am for the most part. With age has come acceptance of my average status and it doesn't make me near as miserable as it used to because I'm in a better place in my life. Even still, I still can't help but sometimes wish that things could be different for me. I can't help but wish I had accomplished something exceptional. Something amazing.
I wish I didn't forget facts 5 minutes after hearing them. I wish I were more ambitious. I want to be more confident of my abilities. I wish I were not afraid to speak in front of large groups, supervise others or lead a meeting. Sometimes I feel really stupid in work meetings. Like everyone has something valid to contribute but me. I wish I were smarter. I want to make more money. I wish I were better then I am but I wholeheartedly believe that I was designed to be mediocre. I mean let's face it. That's the way the world operates. Not everyone is capable of becoming a doctor, a lawyer or the president of the United States. I don't have the attitude, the drive or the smarts. Not everyone is meant to be a professional athlete, a celebrity or a talented artist. I've only been so, so at everything I've ever done. Gymnastics, Cheerleading, my education. I was even a model but didn't go very far. I love writing. I even think I'm pretty good at it and I'd love to write a book but wouldn't know where to begin. Nothing I've ever done is cream of the crop or ever felt good enough yet I've never managed to do anything better. Whatever it is that causes someone to be GREAT is missing from my genetic make up and/or I do not have the will to supersede my natural talents. My opinion of myself could be self defeating but that is all part of the package that is me and I don't know how to do any different. And it makes me wonder would I rather be like her or thin, pretty and overall average in everything else like myself? Would I trade places with her if I could? I don't know. Not that I actually have a choice. But as it stands now that is just one more reason I'd better be thin and I'd better be pretty. I'm not that good at anything else.
I'm the opposite. I'm jealous of somebody because they look better than me whereas I am smarter than them.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure there is something you are good at. Something you enjoy doing. I think a lot of people go about life not completely sure about what they want to do. One day you'll realise. x
Wow...your words could've been mine. I've always felt that I was just mediocre at a lot, not really great at anything. And have used my weight as a means to try to be "good" at something.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, if I can push those thoughts aside, I truly believe that each person has the opportunity to be an amazing individual, whatever it is they do. It's who you are, not what you do that makes the difference. It's all about how you choose to deal with what you're dealt.
I know...I probably sound like a huge hypocrite right now. Lol
I feel the same way often. At least you're thin and pretty. I've got a long way to go before I'd be considered either.
ReplyDeleteMy aunt was telling me this last weekend how she went to college to become an interpreter for sign language. She works at a credit union. She was a teller and was hating her life, when she got confirmed and the bishop pointed to her wedding ring and said that was her calling, to be a good wife and mother. I don't know if your religious (I'm def not) but even so, there are aspects of our lives we don't consider when we think about being sucessful. You have a great relationship with your husband, and are pretty tight with your family too.
I understand where you are coming from. In high school I always felt pretty smart but as soon as I got to college I realized it was because I spent so much of my life around dumb people.
ReplyDeleteIn college I pursued my degree in a difficult scientific field and learned just how smart I wasn't. I was no longer straight A. I did well in many classes but I really struggled in others. I graduated with an okay GPA but nothing great, while all of my friends who were in my major were landing major internships, scholarships and awards. I had that same mediocre feeling. Since graduating however, I have finally discovered what I am passionate about and am going for my doctorate in November. And I can guarantee I will not be the smartest one there. But it doesn't matter if I am the best or just mediocre because it is something I love. Will I go further in my career if I do end being excellent at what I do? Absolutely. But even if I don't, I will be doing something I enjoy.
For my sister, she loves being a good wife and mom and has decided to become a midwife. She excelled in school (earning her bachelor's and 3.9 GPA in less than three years) but she didn't feel like she was anything special because she hadn't found what she was passionate about until she had her first kid. Babies, families and childbirth.
If you don't know yet what you are passionate about, a good place to start is in your home. You sound like you are a good wife and if you excel at that, you are beyond many people. I know people younger than myself who are getting divorced after less than a year of marriage. It's sad to see, but many people don't put much effort into staying married. It may not sound like much, but honestly, if you are keeping your marriage together you really ARE excelling at something.
I know this comment is a little scatter-brained, but I hate to see you get down on yourself. you really are an awesome person and I hope you can find that thing you are passionate about that makes you happy that won't matter how excellent you appear at it.
Be well :)
I get the same frustrating feelings. I want to be my own boss, and go far. Yet, I always feel like I set myself up to be "stuck". I am an assistant coach, and have been for 5 years. My boss doesn't know how to run a business, and I have to sit and remind myself that she is "boss". There is so much I want to do, but can't because I don't have the power.
ReplyDeleteI want a degree, but wonder if I can be dedicated enough. how did you do it? How does anyone do it.
You should write. Just start writing.
ya, you're a totally good writer. I love how you kind of pick a topic and write a big thing about it. I want to copy you a lot of times but I feel cheesy. I WANT to be a good writer cuz I love to read, but I'm clearly not haha. Maybe I'll take some workshops or classes..
ReplyDeleteanyway, I hate for you to be down on yourself. From my point of view, you are SO interesting and I WISH I knew you in real life.
Challenge yourself. Do something artsy, go on a retreat. Make your passion finding your passion.
Oh ya, and drink water.
haha
xo
I think you are everything but mediocre.. Don't put your self down.. It is very easy to focus on the "bad" sides and forget about the good.. I know I am very good at that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I really do understand what you mean. I do have the brains to do whatever but I NEVER finish what I start..
I tend to go into it with a great force and then half way- burn out and never finish.
You are doing so much more than many people could even think about doing.
<3
Argh, I'm so with you! It's so easy to look at other people and think that they're a million times better than you. But remember you don't know everything about this lady - she doubtless has many faults of her own that she wishes she could change, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's envious of you for a number of your qualities, too - and not just your looks. You're witty and articulate, you're independent and strong (I'm certainly envious of that part of you!), you sound like a patient, loving wife, you've got a degree so you certainly can't be stupid, and you're inspiring to all of us - that's why we all come read your blog every day :) I don't think you're mediocre at all; furthermore I don't think *anyone* was "designed" to be mediocre. We can see all these good things in you without ever having spent a day with you in person, so I'm sure the people who live and work with you can see a million other qualities you have that we're not even aware of.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think you're fabulous :)
Don't underestimate yourself! You are a good writer, and also it should be noted that you are dedicated to this blog which is actually pretty uncommon among bloggers. Your posts are clear, coherent, and well thought out.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't buy into society's formula for success. You should do what makes you happy, whenever and wherever you want. You are still young, so many people end up following their dreams or finding happiness later in life.
I only get jealous of people who are more intelligent too, being at Uni this obviously happens quite a lot but I'm a bit of a geek and teacher's pet so usually I hide my lower level of intelligence well. You're not mediocre, I mean most of my younger idealistic leanings have already been quashed but I by no means will lean towards mediocrity when I think of myself (maybe just fat!). You're special because you're you, flaws and all. Also my uncle didn't find his true career path until he turned 50 so technically you're still at the beginning of yours. It's just a suggestion but you could take up something which boosts your confidence, for me it's drama but you could do dance lessons, language lessons, join a choir or some kind of other social group in the community. Hope you don't beat yourself up too much, we're all mediocre in some way the difference is we can pick out th strengths in others more easily.
ReplyDeletex