So Not Worth It

112.2 lbs

So Monday and Tuesday were gym days for me and I was a good little restricter eating just my usual work snacks during the day.  Monday night I freaked out after weighing more then I did that morning so instead of eating my Chicken & Rice left overs I just had snacks.  String cheese, apple, pretzels, and crackers with Peanut Butter on it.  Eating Peanut Butter when I'm starving makes me feel better because it's yummy and I know it's good fats so I feel as though I'm nourishing my body yet it doesn't feel like "real" food because it's not heavy.  It's a mental thing.  Tuesday I had a PBJ sandwich for dinner and did allow myself 1/2 cup light ice cream for a snack.  I managed to put off happy hour with my friend for one day later thank goodness.  I just needed one more day to restrict and hit the gym.  Yesterday we went to a Mexican restaurant and I talked myself into getting two street tacos instead of the usual Quesadilla that I normally crave.   I did indulge in the chips but I felt OK with it because I restricted well all day, these tacos were so tiny and I skipped the beer.  I successfully went to happy hour and stayed in the 1,000's calorie range!!   There were left over sandwiches and wraps from a meeting but I knew there was no way I could have even half what with happy hour later so I got some but packed it up and took it home so it will be tonight's dinner.  I've got happy hour with a friend tomorrow and I'll try to be good again.  I'll get to my left overs eventually.  No more gym until next week and I am so excited to get to go straight home today after work.  I'm gonna put on my jammies and watch a movie while I eat dinner.  Can't wait.

So, was all the eating that day worth it?  I wish I could say yes because to say yes would be normal and makes total sense because it's just food right?  It was just a few pounds after all.  But I absolutely don't think it was.  I am OK with indulging here and there and I've done it but that was gluttony at it's worst and I should have just said no to SOMETHING instead of eating an appetizer, entree AND a calorie ridden dessert on top of Doritos and then capping it all off with wine and candy.  I'm not going to say I won't indulge again because that is totally unrealistic but I really knew better then to eat that much.  Especially being that it wasn't anything I even had a special craving for or something I really love or something I planned for.  It was just random eating.  The rational part of my mind just shut down and I ate mindlessly.  I did enjoy it at that very moment but not too long after the fear of weight gain and the anxiety of being over 114 lbs was just not worth it.  I fear not being able to control my body so when I get close to 114 lbs I am beside myself with anxiety.  What if I really blew it?  What if my weight goes up and I can't get it back down?  It feels so much more comfortable to just STAY between 112-114 so I don't ever have to worry.  When I get to 111 then it's cool because I know I have a bit more leeway but even being 111 is no excuse to pig out the way I did on Saturday.

I'm trying to readjust my thinking on dining out and social events.  Normally I just say "Oh well, I'm going to blow my calorie budget."  I still watch it so it's normally not a total disaster but my attitude is that I expect to blow the budget so I just do what I'm going to do and see where the count is.  I expect to gain some and then figure I'll just have to restrict and work it off.  Instead, I want to say to myself that I'm going out so instead of shooting for my normal 1,000 which feels impossible on a dining out day I'll shoot for about 1,200 which is infinitely more doable.  It will keep me structured so I can work out what I can eat within that and ideally not just feel totally out of control.  Well, that's the plan anyways, so we'll see.  I just know that I can't continue dreading social events and getting upset when there is not enough space between them so I have days to restrict and recover until the next one.  Right now I feel I can only go out with a friend 1 time per week so I can "recover" but at that rate it's too hard to fit in ever seeing them.  If I could just control myself in the first place it would not be an issue.

Another thing bugging me is my scales.  What else is new?  The one that used to always register higher (and only goes to .5 increments) is now the lower one.  The other one that I use as my primary one now (and goes out to a tenth of a pound) is now higher.  Depending on the day they are anywhere from  0.2-0.8 of a pound different and it drives me nuts!!!!  I just want to know what I weigh!!  Is that so hard? Both scales are pretty old but they work so I can't justify nor can I afford buying another.  The logical thing would be to not weigh on both but I can't help it especially when I don't trust either one.  Sigh.

I feel such a huge relief to be back in the 112's!  Oh boy was that ever stressful.  A lot of women stress about weight and diet.  At times I try to convince myself that I don't really have a "problem" but the emotions that I go through tell a different story.  I've clearly taken it to a whole new level!  There are times where I want to attempt to put it all behind me and stop the thoughts and just eat normally.  It can be exhausting and sometimes I'm totally fed up with it but the fear of weight gain is too great.  I simply do not feel comfortable in a larger body.  As long as I don't feel that I am medically compromising myself I see no choice but to carry on as is.