Feeling Less Wretched

Yummy sandwich they provided for lunch.  I heart sandwiches

 

It's been really hard but I'm managing to shake this overwhelming feeling of awfulness that was trying to take me over.  I notice that this tends to happen to me when hubby leaves for a long period of time.  I restrict.  I get into my solitary routine.  I avoid friends and outings because they may involve food and money.  I start to hate myself.  I miss hubby but I fear him coming home.  I like my routine.  I like being in control of my food and I enjoy my neat as a pin house.  And what if he realizes what a terrible person I really am?  I can't believe how resentful I was feeling towards my husband.  I was defensive and irritable.  I felt so mean and I couldn't stop myself.  It's incredible that I would feel that way about someone so wonderful simply because they prevent me from restricting the way I want to.  With him here I couldn't run back and forth to the kitchen grabbing snacks and watch HGTV, Supsersize VS Superskinny and read blogs all day.  I had to eat dinners and I had to limit the time I spent on the Internet researching calorie counts.  It just goes to show you how powerful this whole eating disorder thing can be.  It really can consume your whole life and make you want to push anything and everything away that interferes without you even realizing you are doing it.  And I don't even have an eating disorder.  I'm just obsessed.  I had to get used to having hubby around again and the concept of eating real meals and balancing that out with my calorie budget.   He's cooked about 3 times and I've cooked once since he's been home and I have not gotten fat as I irrationally believed I would.  One day I even ended up with 3 meals and it didn't kill me.  I had dry Fiber 1 and coffee for breakfast, sandwich and baked lays for lunch and a Subway sandwich and pretzels for dinner.  I was freaking out so much!  Believe me I tried to get out of that Subway and I think hubby knew it too.

My feelings about my husband are usually so heightened and intense that I think it scares me when I feel flat.  Aside from all of that other stuff going on I do realize that feelings and emotions ebb and flow.  It doesn't mean I love him any less because for a week I just felt annoyed by him.  It's just a phase on the continuum of love and relationships.  Anyhow, I'm glad to say that loving feeling is back.  He's gone until tomorrow and instead of thinking only that I am free to eat what I want today I just miss him. 

I was in Emergency response team training out of the office from Wednesday to Friday.  They provided pastries and coffee for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch.  The first day I caved and ate a chocolate croissant but after that I realized I had to get tough.  It's just too many calories to waste with dinners at home although I did manage to get out of dinner on Wednesday.  Partly because I got home so late after my hair appointment.  Thursday and Friday I allowed myself to just eat the very top of a muffin and then my Fiber 1 cereal.  I literally got up and threw it away so it wouldn't be sitting in front of me.  One day I took 1 bite of the chocolate croissant and tossed it.  If I can't eat the whole thing I just need that little taste for some reason then I'm good.  For lunch I went into my car and ate my lunch and read magazines with the windows rolled up just so I could thaw out from being freezing all day.  Wednesday I didn't eat the chips and I never ate the lunch cookie that came with the sandwich.  I didn't really want to do this training at first but it turned out to be a really good thing.  I got out of the office, I got a lot of really good information and I got our earlier then I normally would have every day.  Friday was the funnest.  We had to go into this dark abandoned building and search for victims.  I felt like I was in a horror movie.  We got done at 12:30pm!!  I got to come home and chill with hubby who totally skipped out on work.  We did an errand together.  Then, he made dinner and we ate it outside on the patio and drank wine.  It was so nice and relaxing. We watched a movie later that night.

My weight has been up and down from day to day over the last week from 112 to 113.2.   I think my scale may need the batteries replaced.  I raised my calorie budget to 1000.  I'm not sure why.  It's only about 40 calories more but I guess I just felt it would be more manageable and maybe cause me a little bit less stress with hubby being back.  I'm home alone all day today.  I'm going to try to control my snack monster.  I'll do some laundry and vacuum the kitchen floor and watch a movie later.  That's about it.  I'm still super sore from doing P90 abs with hubby on Thursday! Nothing in my life has changed over the last week.  I still have that damn condo.  Hubby still won't do the dishes after he cooks insisting instead to wait until the next night forcing me to look at a messy kitchen all day.  Which makes me irritable.  I am still obsessed with calories and weight.  I still feel some anxiety about money issues.  I still love my husband and think he's the best thing that ever happened to me.  I even scratched the side of my car on hubby's bike rack which was attached to his car and didn't freak out about it.  God I suck at backing up.  And driving for that matter.  I am just trying my best to process my stress and anxiety so I can manage it without falling apart.