Fighting Anxiety & Bankrupting Condo

I got really bummed out Saturday morning.  I just laid there on my bed and cried a little.  I hardly ever cry anymore.  I got an e mail from my property management company that they have cut a check for May.  I log in and see that it's only $220.  Rent is $695.  The check is short due to some expense or other but I can't figure out why because their website is a maze of confusion and they can't even provide us with a simple itemized statement.  I'm tired of calling them every month to figure out why I didn't get my full rent check.  It's just exhausting.  I finally have a tenant again.  She is paying rent and STILL I cannot seem to get a full rent check.  That condo is sucking me dry.  It's this monkey on my back and I can't get rid of it.  I feel like I can't ever just plan to spend money because I never know when something will go wrong with the condo and shut down any spending elsewhere.  I already just go ahead and pay the $180 HOA fee and that is part of my budget but having to come up with an extra $575 a month really hurts financially.  The thought that I will have to deal with this for the forseeable future is really depressing me.  I will have to come up with the difference out of my slowly dwindling bank account.  There is still the recently broken AC unit and the mailbox to deal with too.  I am just mentally and emotionally drained by watching this suck away all of my extra money and there is not a thing I can do about it.  Well, I could foreclose.  Part of me wants so much to do this but it would totally destroy my hard earned good credit.  I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and it sucks.  Hubby already said he'd be really upset if I don't go to his family reunion with him.  I'm going to have to come with likely around $400 bucks for that airline ticket real soon.   I feel like I can't afford anything and that stresses me out.  Then, on top of that I hit some lady in a BMW on the way to work.  I was looking at my phone.  Totally my fault.  I'm such an idiot.  I've had such a streak of tickets and fender benders over the last couple years.  I can't afford mistakes like this.  My car is fine and hers only had some scuff marks.  I was 30 minutes late to work.  FML. 

I hate it when I feel like this.  Just icky and overall sort of hopeless.  I feel anxious and there is a lump in my throat.  My mind is racing and I feel like I'm in a black hole and can't get out.  Everything feels pointless and it feels like everything is just tumbling down around with me and I am powerless to stop it.  Then, my thoughts start snowballing into how I deserve to be alone and I can't even imagine how anyone could love me.  It's how I used to feel all the time before I met hubby.  I just hated myself, hated my life, hated my job, hated being broke and felt like a total failure.   It was pure hell.   I'm trying to shake this off because I don't want to go back to that place.  I'm fighting these bad thoughts again.  I feel worthless and undeserving of my husband.  It feels awful.  I need to be the person that is maybe just a tad bit too negative and cynical but not downright depressed and miserable.  The person that hubby loves and the person I want to be.  Speaking of which.  It's great having him home again but I feel a disconnect and I think I know why.  Well, first of all when your partner leaves and you get into your little solitary routine there is a transition period when they come back.  That is natural.  But I think that hubby coming back also symbolizes lack of control over my eating and my home surroundings and that is what is getting to me.  I had everything in it's place and didn't have to even think about eating anything I didn't want to at home.  Him being back disrupts that.  Now there are dinners and clothes left on the floor.  I think it's made me a bit irritable and moody around hubby.  Just not feeling myself.  I have to suppress that uptight anal person.  That miserable person holds onto the one thing she can control.  She might be broke and sad but she can control the spending and saving of the money she does have.  She can control her food consumption and she can keep her home clean and organized.  That's all she has.  I am not that person anymore.  I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful house.  I like my job.  I am not in this world alone anymore.  I don't have to carry the burdens of the world on my shoulders alone.  I am a control freak.  I know this and I must let go.  I feel so mean and bitchy.  I've got to shake it off so that I don't drive my husband away with negativity and nagging.  I can't let my depressed mind trick me into thinking that his presence is negative in any way shape or form because it's not.  I need him in my life and I love him.  I need to be the wife he deserves.  My rational mind knows this so I just need to shake this off lighten up and get on with it.  I am healthy and maybe things aren't exactly how I wish they could be but life is good.  At least it can be if we are able to open our minds enough to see the good in it.  

Saturday

I had just found out about my measly condo check and I was feeling all bummed out and was just laying in bed.  I didn't feel like doing anything let alone make dinner but I dusted myself off and did my errands.  I stopped at the grocery store.  I wanted to be a good wife and greet hubby with a nice meal after having to eat out for the last couple weeks and a long day of travel.  I made an Asian inspired chicken and rice for dinner.  I stuck to one serving and the calories for the day were low. 

Sunday

I knew what was for dinner and so I allowed myself 1 egg-roll when hubby stopped for sushi and some candy at the movies.  I made sure it was a reasonable packet so that if I ate the whole thing it would not be disaster.  That meant no big box Mike & Ikes.  The Hangover II was good and funny but super raunchy.  He made Asian inspired chicken and noodles for dinner.  I ate a reasonable portion and then for some reason found myself picking a few noodles and chicken chunks out of the pan with my fingers like an animal.  It was just so good I wanted another taste.  I hate that out of control grazing.  Then, hubby threw that curve ball and said he wanted to make S'mores in the backyard fire pit after dinner.  Sigh.  So much for planning.  But that's the way it goes sometimes and I am determined that my food issues will not interfere with our relationship so I didn't resist.  Then I burned by fingers by being an idiot and touching the end of the skewer that I had just pulled out of the fire. 

Monday

We got up and went to the gym together.  Hubby insisted I eat breakfast.  Thank goodness it wasn't the Cracker Barrel Pancake mix he brought home.  I argued but he said he was putting his foot down and that was that.  I had egg beaters on toast and 1/2 apple.  Why did I still feel this crazy urge to munch on pretzels?   A perfect example of my control freak ways was when he told me we'd be stopping at L's house on the way to the BBQ.  I wanted to know why.  When he couldn't tell me I became a bit annoyed.  "I don't understand.  Why do we have to stop at L's house?"  I'm glad I didn't take it too far though and I dropped it.  There was no point.  His friend wanted us to stop by we were going to stop by and that was that.  It's a perfectly nice sunny Monday who cares.  Just go with the flow.  At his friends house I found myself munching on some Almonds and eating this awesome Peanut Butter Oreo Cakester something or other that I didn't even know existed.  I would not survive in this guys house that's for sure.  He has junk food and sweets stashed in every cupboard.  I only had one and then I had to physically push the almonds away from me.  I did OK at the Korean BBQ.  There was lots of weird food luckily so I couldn't do too much damage even if I wanted to.  They are a really nice couple with one kid.  They live in one of the so called "rich" areas of our county.  Their condo was really tiny and dirty.  I can't believe they invited people over with their house in that condition.  It wasn't terrible but it was really junky and it obviously needed a good cleaning.  There was dried up milk spilling down the side of their leather ottoman.  I would NEVER allow my house to look like that guests or no guests.  Anyhow, they didn't have too many chairs so I asked for blankets and we spent a nice time sitting in the grass enjoying their golf course and mountain view.  I was so bloated later that night.  I felt totally full but hadn't eaten much and I just wanted to go #2 so my stomach wouldn't feel so huge.

Today

This morning I went #2 then weighed in at 113.2 lbs.  I'll take it.  I've got a sweat day at the gym after work.  Tonight my wonderful husband is making Chicken & Pasta which I will happily eat because he is so sweet and I love him so much.  I will not complain if he's left his shoes in the walk way, if the water bottle from yesterday is still sitting on the counter or if he leaves the dishes piled up in the sink overnight .  I will accept that I won't be getting my heart rate monitor or be buying anything for the house anytime soon.  I will pay the condo rent with hopes that things will turn around and I'll start getting full rent checks and be able to build up some more savings.  I have some good things to look forward to.  Everything will be OK.  I will shake this horrible negativity I feel welling up in my belly.  I will be happy dammit.  I've come too far and overcome too much not to.