I've been feeling bummed out lately. When I'm down it usually can be attributed to one of two things. Either my weight is up or my money is down. I enter random online contests just hoping, hoping that I could be one in a million to win that dream house and car or that 75,000 prize. I'd sell everything off, pay off some things and put the rest of the money in the bank. It's the ONLY way I could even hope to help fix some of my money problems. I don't have the earning power to do it on my own. It may seem materialistic to be so concerned with money but I don't care. It's not because I want a Mark Jacobs purse or a fancy Mercedes. I love to shop but I could care less about having expensive things. I just want that comfort and security that comes with having enough money to go around. I know it could be worse...blah, blah, blah. But so what. It's bumming me out so I'm gonna feel sorry for myself right now. Too bad. My account that I set up for condo expenses has been rapidly disappearing. I STILL haven't gotten the measly $200 check and had to remind them to send it but since it doesn't cover all the mortgage and my condo account is dwindling I'm using money from my main savings account to help cover it. I'm broke. I don't have money to buy anything for the house. Hubby and I talk about how we should get a mirror for the master bedroom or leaning shelves for the living room. I know what I want to get for the house I just dont' have the funds to get it and I certainly don't have the money for my airline ticket that I'll need to purchase soon. Money can't buy happiness. It doesn't fix all problems but it would totally solve the one that is stressing me out right now. Oh, and I just found out the lady I hit has a lawyer and is claiming injuries. There was no visible damage!!
Hubby always talks about some mysterious "next house" we get. "In our next house I want a bigger back yard" or "In our next house I want a kitchen Island." I can't help but wonder what planet he's on. On my planet we are lucky to have the one we do with a mortgage we can manage and probably need to stay put. I love it that he is so optimistic and hopeful about the future and possibilities. Him and that amazing attitude is what seriously saved me from myself and my chronic depression. I really needed someone like him to lift me out of my black fog. I do my best to curb negative comments but what I'm really thinking is that I 'aint gonna be making any more money any time soon so I really hope he plans on hitting the lottery. He will make more money certainly in his career. But chances are I won't be an integral part of our ability to by that "next house" some day. If I stay at my job, which likely I will I have a pay scale that shows me exactly what I'll be making from now until the next 10 years. It's all spelled out. I'd have to get some sort of promotion to get any significant salary increase because my yearly raises are about $150 per month. He wants to go to Europe next year and all I can think about is that it will depend on if I have a renter or not. That condo basically dictates my life right now and what I can afford.
It's a struggle lately to maintain the positive and happy side of myself that he discovered. The side I didn't even really know I had until I met him. Nobody wants to be with a Debbie Downer. I don't want to BE a Debbie Downer. It's no fun. I really have to work hard on reigning in those anal retentive tendencies. Like right now hubby has once again lost his debit card. He's been running around spending money out of our joint account. I know he will put it back at some point but having him do that feels like a loss of control. He randomly uses the wrong card all the time. I don't use that account for a back up or to buy anything that is not a joint expense. Ever. I don't know why it's so difficult for him to get that. But that's just me. I'm very regimented and not everyone is like that. I'm sitting here feeling this lump in my throat about it and like I've lost control and just want that money put back nice and neat like it should be but I can't take that out on him. It is not a personal attack on me. He doesn't think it's a big deal and when it comes down to it really, it's not. It's just ME. Same thing with his messy house crap that I let agitate me to no end. Same thing with my need to control my calories and weight so tightly. I feel so mean and don't even like myself when I am in one of these moods. Clearly I have issues. I know this but it's still hard to reign it in.
My circle of control & stress triggers:
- Money
- Food, Calories, Weight
- Home Organization
I have the least control over money. I make what I make and can't always control expenses that come up. I have less control over food and home organization then when I used to live alone. I gotta eat with my husband and he can be pretty messy. I don't even ask him to clean but doing dishes and keeping his stuff put away is generally low on his priority list. When my mindset is "right" and one of those areas are out of whack I am able to manage that stress and anything else that bothers me. I don't worry and panic so much. I can overlook the messy room. I don't resent my husband for cooking dinner. I don't let things overwhelm me and I am accepting and grateful of where I am in life. When my mind is "off" it's another story. I can't see how lucky I am for what I have. I see doom and gloom around every corner and I keep a tight grip on what I can control to alleviate my stress. That anxiety and fear kicks in and I really have to fight to keep myself from falling apart. I don't want to be depressed and stressed out all the time. I don't want to push my husband away by nagging him endlessly about things that in the large scheme of things really don't matter all that much.
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| Some say too skinny but perfect in my option. Toned AND Skinny |
Weight wise I've been OK. If I get too close to 114 I kinda get a little nervous. I went to the gym yesterday and dropped down to 113 today. My scale is totally wacky. I weigh on both to compare and if they are way off I'll re weigh on our main scale. Sometimes it changes and sometimes it doesn't. Annoying! My weight has been up and down over the last week and I don't really know if it's the scale or me. I think I was retaining water because last week I hardly ever had to pee and then when I did hardly anything came out and it was dark. I feel the urge to go more and it's a lot clearer now so that's good. I've been managing dinners with hubby and my calorie budget OK. My snacking urge is still there and that really sucks. I'm addicted to pretzels lately even if I'm not hungry. I feel bad 'cause I ate most of them so I'm going to go out and get another bag. They are low cal but wasted calories and high sodium. I've been pretty good about resisting candy too. A couple of times when I've been at the store I wanted to buy some Mike & Ike's or gummy bears so bad but didn't. I just hate how it busts my calorie budget.
I'm not a big LeAnn Rimes fan but I couldn't help but admire this pic of her. I don't want to be her. She had all of that publicly aired cheating drama with her husband, got divorced and recently remarried. She has her problems just like anyone else I'm sure. I know that she and her life isn't perfect. But I would love to be talented at something, look like that in a bikini and be able to take exotic vacations the way she can. I doubt she's worried about how she'll pay for her plane ticket. She's accomplished some pretty cool things in her singing career that anyone would be proud of. She doesn't have to sit in an office all day five days a week to collect a pay check that barely keeps the bills paid. I do because I am neither talented, smart or super ambitious. Not everyone is meant to be. LeAnn probably isn't being bankrupted by a studio condo in the bad part of town AND she gets to shop whenever she wants. Must be nice.
| Daily Log: Monday, June 6 | ||
| Breakfast | 252 | |
| Bread, Double Fiber, Oroweat | 1 Serving | 70 |
| Jelly, Welch's, Reduced Sugar | 1 Tablespoon | 20 |
| Coffee, brewed w/tap water | 6 Fluid ounces | 2 |
| Creamer, French Vanilla, Fat Free | 1 Tablespoon | 30 |
| Cookie, Chocolate Chip, Otis (1oz/2.5") | 1 Each | 130 |
| Lunch | 310 | |
| Cereal, Original | ½ Cup | 60 |
| Cereal, Bar, Oats & Peanut Butter | 1 Each | 150 |
| Yogurt, Light, Vanilla, Dannon | ½ Cup | 100 |
| Dinner | 426 | |
| Beef, Ground, 96/4 | 3 Ounces | 105 |
| Bread, Sandwhich Thins | 1 Serving | 100 |
| Ketchup | 1 Tablespoon | 15 |
| Mustard, yellow, prep | 3 Teaspoons | 10 |
| Potatoes, Roasted | 1 Serving | 196 |
| Snacks | 100 | |
| Pretzels, Rold Gold (28g/53) | 53 Sticks | 100 |
| Exercise | 280 | |
| Elliptical 280 | 30 min | 280 |
| Nutrients | ||
| Fat | 26g | 20% |
| Saturated Fat | 9g | |
| Cholesterol | 54mg | |
| Sodium | 1709mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 194g | 65% |
| Fiber | 40g | |
| Sugars | 55g | |
| Protein | 44g | 15% |
| Summary | |
| Food Calories | 1,088 |
| Exercise Calories | 280 |
| Net Calories | 808 |
| +/- Calories | -205 |
| Weight | 113.6 |
I really feel your money probs. I'm trying to save every red cent we have right now for the job transition because the first couple of months will be hard with training and all. But hopefully once we get done with training and are on the road on our own we will start being able to pay off all the debt.
ReplyDeleteI hope everything works out. Have you considered trying to sell the condo again under a different agent/company?
~MLM
Thanks MLM. There is no hope of selling the condo at this point. It's worth about what you might pay for an expensive car. I am way upside down on the value to loan amount owed ration.
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the intake. I'm sorry you're having to go through all your money troubles. Hopefully things will look up soon!
ReplyDeletecouple things: I'm not REALLY a fan of leann rimes, but I TOTALLY admire her for loosing weight and getting fit. And for fighting back when the press TRIES to bully her about it. I fuckin hate how women are so ostrscized for their weight no matter if it's TOO FAT Or "too thin" it's bs
ReplyDeleteI really want to reccomend a book to you. It's called "The Secret" It's a "self help" book but it's really good, an EASY FAST read, and so inspiring. Please get it asap. I think it will work well for you (being so organized). You are in charge of your own success in life. If you want something in this life (money), you have to take it. (not stealing) what the idea basically is, you do positive thinking exercises. Like you make a "vision board" with a colage of everything you dream your life would have. And you look at it every day. Some way or other, you will be inspired to find ways to have those things. You're not spending your life wishing for things and hating what you have or don't have. instead, you imagine the thing you want and smile and feel the joy as THOUGH you have it and it will come to you. It works.
Last, I have wondered too, how come you don't skip the property management and rent direct to the customer and keep all your money? That whole property management company seems like a scam....
Ohhhh I'm so sorry you're having a hard time :[ but at least you're aware of what you have and that it could be worse but when things feel out of control it is really hard to not feel down and out. and maybe not everyone is born to be talented and whatever, but you've definitly made a difference in giving me hope that one day I can maintain and have only a slightly crazy life. You're the best<3
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your control and stress triggers. Sometimes when it rains it pours and I get so stressed and anxious that I'm not sure how to handle the situations. It makes me want to just throw my hands up and give up on life. But usually what I do is talk it out, write it out, or run it out, remind myself that this too shall pass and sleep on it. Stay strong :)
ReplyDeleteSet up a pay pal account and make it so people can donate on the blog
ReplyDelete