Thin & Bones

Chest Bones



I'm not sure what it is about bones.  What is the allure?  Why is it so special?  Why do I crave it so much?  I don't want to be skin and bones.  I don't desire to be freakishly skinny.  But I do yearn for thin and bones.  Thin enough for it to be obvious but not so much that it is sickening.  I kind of want people wonder if I have an ED or if I'm naturally skinny.  Average is not good enough.  I have to be just that little bit below.  It's such a fine line.  It's so hard to know if I've gone too far or not far enough. 

Collar Bones

I like it that my chest bones are visible.  I like having a prominent collarbone and I love it that my veins bulge out on the inside of my arms.  It means I am thin. I like it that my elbows jut out and from my arms and that my shoulders have little bony knots on them.  When I sit on a hard bench and feel my butt bones grinding against it's surface or when hubby tells me get up because my butt bones are digging into his legs I don't mind it one bit. 



Shoulder bones

Thigh Gap

Rib Cage

 I need to see that there is a gap between my thighs and it makes me feel accomplished that I can see my ribcage from the front and the back.  Accomplished at what right? There are much better things to aspire to and I know this but I am not likely to achieve any of them.  I am not successful or the best at anything I've ever done.  I'll never be that hot shot woman in corporate America.  I'm told I am pretty and I am attractive to men but I will never be a high fashion model an actress or a rich celebrity. I will never have their lifestyle or their money.  The only thing I can have that that they have and is coveted all over the world is thin. That is the least I can do. It is all I can do. I don't like that it means so much to me but what am I to do? This is the way it is and this is the way I am.  I cannot exist in a large body.  Being fat would take a greater toll on me emotionally then the battle for thin ever could.

Flat Tummy

 There is such safety and comfort in bones.  It's not just a phase or a fad.  It's not an impulse or even a choice.  It was an obsession long before I finally figured out how to lose the weight and make it a reality.  I accomplished my goal and it feels good for the most part even though I still have days where I feel huge.  Like a fat indulgent pig.  I am not the thinnest of the thin but that's ok with me.  I wear these bones like a badge of honor even as I know how totally unimportant it is in the big scheme of life.  Why can't I just be normal?  Why can't I accept my body?  Why is being slim one of the keys to my happiness?  I may never know the answers to those questions.  Sometimes I get so tired of fighting my body and viewing food as the enemy but there is no other option.  I simply do not feel I have any other choice.  I feel most comfortable in a thin body so thin I must try to stay.



 I totally blew it last night despite my best intentions.  Today 1 hour, 6.17 miles, 550 calories on the elliptical.  You do the crime you do the time.  The never ending battle continues.  Sigh.