You Lost too Much Weight





Last night while we were watching TV hubby says he has something to tell me and that he knows it is going to upset me.  I braced myself.  "Oh no...what did I do?"  Then he tells me that he thinks I've lost too much weight and that he likes the way I looked better in November.  I look way thinner since our honeymoon.  He knows that I have had problems before and he doesn't want to watch me wither away.  I didn't know what to say at first.  My clothes hanging off of me and the lower number on the scale tells me I've gotten thinner but most of the time I don't feel much different.  I really didn't think anyone noticed but seeing as how my husband does maybe other people do to.  Is that good or bad?  It's good that I look thinner.  That is what I wanted after all.  I don't like it that he doesn't like it.  My weight was a deal breaker in my previous relationship and I never wanted it to be an issue in this one.  I don't know that I will plan on going back to maintaining at 118 but I do know that I don't plan on losing anymore.  Maintaining between 112-114 is ideal and up to 116 is acceptable but I know that any less on me is super scary skinny and any more is gonna make me feel fat.

So now I get it.  He's been making comments about putting meat on my bones and that my arms are getting thin.  He tried to keep the scales from me earlier this week.  Wednesday night before bed he asked me what I weighed.  I never reveal this to anyone and he knows that.  I decided to give in a little and agreed to 2 guesses and I would only respond with right or wrong.  He guessed 112 and he was right but I didn't want to admit it.  Next he said 113 and I said wrong again.  He asked if it was higher or lower and I told him his guesses were too low.  I'm such a liar but I'm very private about that and I don't want to cause any concern whatsoever.  It's probably been bothering him and he's been wanting to say something to me for a while and finally mustered the courage to do it last night.  It was right after our honeymoon that I hit 120, freaked out and went on my weight loss frenzy.  Without me having to say anything he already knows exactly when and what happened in regards to my weight.

I made light of it and tried to ease his mind.  "Do you see how much I eat? I'm not going to whither away and I won't lose anymore weight."  According to him I'm not allowed to and I have come far enough that I agree.  When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym in my stretchy shorts and tank I can see that I am thin.  My arms are like little twigs and I can see the bones in my shoulders pointing outwards.  My legs have a gaping space between them and my collar bones and bony chest plate are on full display.  In fact, sometimes I actually feel uncomfortable  because I know that other people see it too.  When I look at myself in my undies I can see the ripples of bones in my back.  I'm thin but not in an obvious ED scary kind of way.  I still won't cop to having an eating disorder but I can't deny that I am underweight and that my eating habits are not normal. 

I met hubby for lunch at a yogurt shop.  Only 200 calories.  He was going to his friends house where they are grilling out and he wanted me to come but the only thing I could think about is coming home so I could not eat a "real" dinner.  I could not face being surrounded by food today.  I wanted to veg out in front of HGTV in my jammies, write in my blog and eat FF pringles and cheese for dinner and then my brownie.  Hubby just had to make brownies from scratch last night and I just have to eat it.  I play around with my calorie tracker to see what I can fit in.  I didn't eat enough to feel full.  I still feel a little growl in my belly.  I'm going to tell hubby I ate a sandwich for dinner and just hope that my growling stomach won't betray me tonight.  I am addicted to food and addicted to not eating food at the same time.   I'm addicted to being skinny too.  I've gotten to the point where I know better then to take it too far and I know it's a very fine line.

Much, much later.....
So hubby calls and says he's too drunk to drive.  I am forced off the couch and out of my out of my plaid pajamas and end up over at his friends house anyways.  I have a little bit of wine and 1/2 pork chop but I dance my ass off doing X box Kinect so I'm calling it a wash.  And hubby was fine to drive after all.  I think he just wanted me to come hang out with him.  It's all good though.  I had a fun time and I'm glad he wants to hang out with me.