So Tired, So Hungry

113.4 lbs

I'm so tired I think I could die right now.  My eyes are burning and I almost feel sick with fatigue.  I really need to get to bed earlier.  The thought of going to the gym and doing an hour on the elliptical is making me feel even sicker.  But I have to.  I've been flirting between 113 and 114 so I really need to get these two sweat days in at the gym then stop screwing up for a while so my body settles back into 112's.  Thank goodness my BM's have been so awesomely regular.  I never understood what bloggers meant by "food weight" before because I wasn't having BM's.  There is no way to get rid of food weight without it.  If I over ate it didn't leave my body for days so taking off weight was near impossible for me.  It was terrible.  I had what I called a "food baby" yesterday.  A good size thank goodness because I saw 114.4 lbs in the morning and the food baby took off .7 ounces.  Almost a pound.  I've had some good moments where I was able to force myself to go without my sweet treats but lately, I've just been eating it if I want it. Not a lot but it would be nice to just say no altogether. Not only am I about to fall asleep I'm starving.  I am just so hungry.  Yesterday was a 748 calorie day and my body is screaming out for more.  I hate to push my calorie count up with another snack but I am just so darn hungry and with this work out ahead of me I am ravenous for something.  Anything.  The hunger pangs are really kicking in and I doubt a Fiber 1 bar will even remotely fill me up but it's better then nothing.

On my last post I got a lot of comments about others who have gone through similar issues with their significant other taking issue with weight loss.  Clearly I'm not alone here.  It is a very fine line we have to walk to please ourselves and please our partner.  Mom's and other family members play less of a role in it I think.  They don't live with us or see us every day.  They are stuck with us no matter what, but our partner is not.  We are supposed to care for ourselves enough to make them want to care for us and yet so often we abuse our bodies to satisfy some other need.  I want to be healthy to live a good long life with him.  I have to be healthy for myself too.  So I just really do my best to consider his feelings.  I actually feel like I'm one of the lucky ones for being able to balance this madness.  I am managing to be what people consider skinny AND not compromise my health.  I eat and he gets to see that I eat AND I've still managed to maintain a weight I feel OK at.  I think I'm doing a pretty good job of minimizing my obsession to him.  At least I hope so.  He's made one other comment about my boobs looking smaller (even though they feel huge).  He is way too important for me to let my weight issues screw it up. If I lose him I have nothing. He's the only reason I'm no longer a sad miserable depressed person.

Q & A
Harlow B:  What happened in your last relationship where weight was a deal breaker?

Well, basically it was a deal breaker so much so that it ended in divorce.  My weight wasn't the only issue though.  We had other problems but he saw me at my higher weights so watching me shrink with his own eyes over the years was bit of a shocker for him.  I got down to about the same weight I am now.  The ex husband gave me an ultimatum.  Gain or he'd be gone.  I was so depressed and so miserable in the relationship that although I didn't necessarily want it to end I wasn't willing to gain weight to save it.  He nagged me about my food and he told me that he was no longer attracted to me physically.  I am so glad that marriage ended though because we were not right for each other.  We argued.  He was defensive.  We were just so different that even without the weight issue I think that we would have always had a very difficult relationship.  He's actually filing bankruptcy right now.  He obviously didn't listen to me.  Thank goodness we got divorced so I could meet my soul mate.  Hubby has never seen me more then about 123 or so which is good because he's used to seeing me relatively small.  It sucks that yet again this issue has popped up but I don't plan on going any lower so I'm hoping it will be OK. 

How tall are you?
I'm 5'7" so that makes my BMI at 113lbs about 117.7.  Not terribly skinny I suppose but definitely on the lower end of the scale.  On my frame it shows up on the thin side.