Just Let Me BE

Not a good day today food wise.  We had our little work retreat and so there was breakfast.  Nothing too bad except I ate the damn homemade cinnamon roll one of my co workers brought.  Other then that I just had very small portions of yogurt, fruit and quiche.  I only had 2 chocolates and just a handful of jelly beans all day even though they were sprinkled on the table in front of us just sitting there waiting to be devoured all day while we sat in this classroom four hours.  I swear my fingers were twitching to grab at 'em all day.  The Cinnamon roll really was super good and what makes me suck all that much more is that I ate it with the knowledge that lunch at a Mexican restaurant was still to come.  Oh joy.  They had quesadillas on corn tortillas which I know are much lower cal and smaller then flour.  So, I ordered the mini cheese quesadillas and munched on chips like some kind of food driven idiot.  Sam from Sam The Cooking Guy from the Food Network was there filming.  This little restaurant is going to be on TV at some point....wonder if I'll catch that episode.

I was just sitting here thinking about 3 lovely days of being alone, eating as little as I want, exactly what I want and when I want without feeling any outside pressures.  I could vegetate on the couch and drop whatever extra poundage I'm sure to have gained after today.  Then my mom just called me back to say that she is going to come down tomorrow after all.  I love my mom and I want to spend time with her but what do people do when they hang out?  They eat.  Damn.  It's just my mom and we are pretty low key so I figure that getting Subway and watching a movie will be exactly what we end up doing if I have anything to say about it.   Subway is always safe for me.  We are both broke right now so we don't need to be spending much more.  Sometimes I just get so annoyed by having to eat at events and with people.  There is this lunch and then there is that party.  We are going to so and so's house.  There is hubby with his "What's for dinner?" when all I really want to do is eat some FF Pringle's and string cheese OR a piece of french bread with mozzarella cheese sprinkled over it OR 1/2 cup of light ice cream with a 100 cal Little Debbie pecan twirl OR pretzels and an apple for dinner.  Why is that so wrong?  Sometimes I do want to have a cheese quesadilla or make a sandwich or cook something but there are times where I need to restrict and I just want to be left alone to eat what I want.   Why must I make up lies about what I ate or didn't just to appease others?  I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself and I should be able to eat what I want.    I don't want to see your food, I don't want to smell it.  Just let me be.  IT'S SO ANNOYING!!! Even though it would be a good time to I've intentionally not made any plans while hubby is out of town just so I could relish my time free of food obligations.  Lucky for me I don't  have Easter dinner to deal with.  Mom is driving up to be with big sis and her family and hubby comes back from his trip that day.  Dodged a bullet on that one.   So, it will just be me at home alone until his flight gets in at 5:30pm.  Dinnertime.  Sigh.  Easter doesn't mean much to me anyways.  I just need to learn to do better.  I must, I must!  I've been saying it forever and I have gotten better but I really must learn to do EVEN BETTER because realistically the only thing truly sabotaging me is ME.  I'm the one who can't say no.

I feel like my scale is broken because the same number keeps staring back at me.  112.6.  Not 112.5 or 112.7.  Just 112.6 for the last 3 days.  I'll be lucky if I see that tomorrow!  I feel a food baby coming on which is good because I'm at 114.6 right now!! Ouch.  Or should I say Oink.  Lunch was at about 12:30pm and unfortunately, I don't get to eat anything else for the rest of the day.  I'm already at a piggish 1,240 cals.  My 3 day weekend has started and I'm about to watch whatever is in my DVR and not eat.  Ok, so chances are I'll have a piece of fruit or bread or those Hershey's kisses my boss sent us home with but whatever.  I won't go overboard.  I already did that. The day is basically shot already anyways.