Food Fixation

112.6 lbs

Anybody else watching Make it or Break it on ABC Family? It's about elite gymnasts so even though it's basically for teens I've been addicted to it ever since it started.  Season two started a couple weeks ago.  There is an eating disorder story line now. Kaylie has anorexia and got hospitalized at the end of last season and just got out of rehab. They don't even get the gymnastics right so it's no surprise that the ED story line is way off too.  So much drama.  It's kind of phony and cheesy but I love it!! Only 2 out of the 4 main character's actually have what I would consider a gymnast body type-Kaylie and Lauren.  Payson is downright big if you asked me and Emily is slim but tall and curvy with hips.  They are all really pretty.  Can you imagine going to work everyday and having to be in a leotard?  Well, for the money they make I'd do it in a heart beat. 

Saturday night is a perfect example of my food fixation. It was dad's B Day so we went up to my parents house to hang out and celebrate. Mom put out some munchies and then there was dinner. I dug into the pita chips and hummus mostly but also had some cheese and mixed fruit. I stupidly even had one of the brownies hubby brought with us even though I knew there was cake coming-but it was right when we got there and I was starving. Then for dinner I fixed myself a very small plate. Baked chicken and a few potatoes. Some bread. I ate a very small piece of cake and a very small scoop of ice cream. Then, we had to leave because there was a drawing at this Casino to win a purse and we had to get there by a certain time. They had food and of course I had to see what was in every dish. Hubby wasn't that interested-he wasn't hungry and neither was I.  We sort of just ate but I still had to taste some of the foods. A chicken skewer, a roll, 2 pieces of fruit and a few bites of those yummy looking noodles.  Thank god I managed to stay away from the dessert table.  I ended up at 1,141 for the day.  I didn't eat much but the fact that I was so interested in getting my little plate and sampling even though I was not hungry at all tells me that I have issues. Hubby wasn't all into it like I was at all.  I do the same thing with food around the office.  I'm hoarding it and wanting to get my hands on it just because it's there.  I do a pretty good job of reigning it in but I truly do feel that I have a food addiction. I'd be so obese if I didn't have what little self control that I do have.  I am still slowly but surely working on self control in social eating out settings. I've gotten so much better but still not where I want to be. I don't want activities to dictate if I overeat or not. I want to dictate that. I understand that numbers will be higher if I eat out but I still need to do a better job.  Oh, I didn't win the purse.  Right after the drawing we left because I didn't want to watch everyone else having all the fun and picking out purses when I couldn't. 

Sometimes I get annoyed when I hear everyone saying to my big sister how good she looks and how much weight she lost.  I'm like, "HELLO, me over here lost about 7 lbs.  What about me?  Don't I look good?"  But then I have to realize that I've always been the "skinny" one.  Her weight loss of course is more dramatic.  My sister was always bigger and struggling with her weight, then she had a baby.  She talks about how much more weight she wants to lose and her meal replacement shakes and her exercising and everyone supports her and encourages her.  I'm glad for her.  She definitely had a lot of weight to lose and needs to lose it.  She'll feel better about herself.  She's been doing a great job.  It's just sometimes I feel overlooked because I don't get that positive feedback.  In fact, I get, "you are too thin" which isn't the same as saying "congrats, you look great."  I feel like I fight the battle of the bulge and food demons every day just as much as my sister does but it doesn't show on my body so I don't get to talk about it and get support like she does.  Oh well.  I'd rather be in my shoes then hers.

On Sunday we did some gardening. Hubby forced me to help but it turned out to be really fun. It really makes you take that much pride in your yard and your plants when you plant them yourself. Maybe this time I won't kill them. We just have a small patio filled with pavers instead of grass so all plants are potted. We didn't want a big yard to deal with so it's perfect.

I'm planning a B Day party for hubby. He is just the sweetest man ever and it's his 30th so I'm surprising him by inviting his friends to meet us at dinner when he thinks it will just be us. It's been hard because I don't have all of his friends info and no one has replied to my e vite or face book messages.  I'm going to get into his phone and write down numbers so I can send a mass text out.  I'm also going to have to ask one of his buddies to pick up the cake 'cause I don't see how I could hide that going into the restaurant with him.  I also bought him an I pad 2. It's on the way. $778 dollars! It's a pretty big sacrifice for me considering I can only spend so much per month and there are so many things I want for the house and so many clothes I could buy with that but he is worth it.  I just bought our little patio set ($178) and I still have to find a Mother's day gift for mom and a B Day gift for my sister.  My car registration ($230) is due next month and we are going out of town the first weekend in May but I will manage somehow.  I wouldn't even have considered doing half of this if I didn't have a renter.  Speaking of which I just got a call from my property management company about repairs that need to be done.  FML.  There are times when I just want to say screw my credit and let the sucker foreclose.
 
I did eat that extra snack-Fiber 1 bar-before I left work yesterday.  Then, I manged to drag my tired butt to the gym and burn 580 calories. I plan on doing it again today. Dinner was a RF Hebrew National hot dog and FF pringles. I kinda wanted two but stuck to one. I finished the day at 1,089 which isn't too bad considering I was so hungry and really just wanted to eat anything in sight.  My stomach was growling in bed which I hate because I don't want hubby to think I'm not eating enough.  I went to bed earlier and I feel much more rested today.