It's Just Cake

112 lbs

It's times like this when I really hate my food hang ups.  Hubby is making me the most wonderful chocolate peanut butter cake for my Birthday.  From scratch no less.  He refused to give me the recipe at first but I insisted that I have it and he gave it to me only with the condition that I don't let it affect my eating.  I must not skip real food just to eat this cake.  I agreed.  I plugged it into my recipe calorie calculator and then I got really bummed out.  This cake is ungodly, disgustingly, horribly laden with calories and fat.  I had no idea it would be this bad.  There is absolutely no way to work this into my calorie budget like I've been able to do with other sweets and desserts.  One good sized slice of this cake is the calories of what even normal people eat in one day.  I was really looking forward to just letting lose and indulging and now I am just feeling trapped and confused on how I can have my cake and eat it too.

When I toy with the serving sizes the lowest I can reasonably get it is down to about 800 calories!!  I know.  It's horrible.  Ignorance truly is bliss.  Now that I have this information about my cake there is no way I can truly enjoy it like the last time he made one.  It wasn't for my B Day but I ate it like it was nothing because I didn't know the true awfulness of it.  It was about the best cake I've ever had in my life but undoubtedly loaded with more calories then I thought possible.  It was June of last year and I wasn't hard core calorie tracking so I just ate it.  Not eating the cake is not an option.  I freakin' asked for it and hubby was sweet enough to make it one armed and all.  I am so kicking myself in the butt for this and will NOT be asking for a cake from scratch next year or I will INSIST that hubby make it healthy which he basically refused to do this time because he said it defeated the purpose or some such nonsense.

Here are my options.  None of which are very good.

1. I can track my calories as usual and watch see the ungodly numbers that will undoubtedly make my stomach turn every day I eat the cake. 
2. I could throw caution to the wind and do something I have not done for a really, really, long time.  I can take a calorie counting break for a couple days or a week or however long the damn cake is still in the house.  I don't even know what this would feel like or how anxious I might become because it's been so long that I've logged basically every morsel I've put into my mouth. 
3. I can only allow myself to eat the cake if I go to the gym.  A 250 calorie day won't even make a dent.  I'd have to burn at least 500 calories to truly justify it.  Monday and Tuesday are my heavy days at the gym so that figures in nicely but what about all the other days?
4. I can eat a very, very minuscule piece.  Which I'm probably going to have to do every day that I eat it anyways (except maybe day 1 when my family is here).  I still fear that even a tiny piece would be too damaging on my calorie budget and I can hardly bear to log it in.
5. I can eat one small slice tomorrow, let my family take some home and then take a bite here and there but otherwise throw some of it in the trash day by day until it's gone or give it away at work.  Oh, how horrible I would feel about this.  Not only because I'm sure the cake is gonna be delicious but because hubby made it specially for me.  I did ask him to after all.

I hate it that I am so hung up on weight and numbers.  I mean really, it's just cake right?  Why does it have to be this whole big ordeal.  I hate it sometimes that I have this overwhelming desire to be skinny.  I told myself I would allow myself to indulge on Friday and Saturday but now I am totally freaked out about blowing this great maintenance thing I've had going on.  And this cake is going to literally push me over the edge.

I had a brief moment of disappointment this morning upon finding out that I was not chosen as one of the four finalist for a modeling contest I entered.  I got an "on hold" e mail about three days ago but up until then I'd totally forgotten about it after entering it months ago.  I hate to hope so I entered and didn't think of it again.  Then, I saw the e mail saying I was released and I couldn't help but be a bit bummed because the e mail from 3 days ago had given me just that tiny bit of hope that I normally avoid.  Oh well.

Today was a blast.  I don't like to work on my birthday if I can help it so I took a much needed day off  and spent my bright sunny birthday with hubby and loved every minute.  I took the time to put on a little make up so I felt pretty.  Hubby gave me a $100 gift card to one of my fav stores and I can't wait to shop!  I ate A LOT!!   We went downtown and caught a movie.  I ate popcorn AND drank diet soda.  I bought a cute top at this little boutique.  Then, we went to two different spots for happy hour where I indulged in what I wanted.  I logged in 1600 calories today and not even my 30 minute Elliptical work out in the morning can save me.  I weighed in when I got home and it was 115.2!!!  I still have my B Day dinner with family tomorrow AND the heaviest most fattening cake in the world to eat.  I'm already adding in a trip to the gym for tomorrow and I will probably be compelled to do some sort of work out on Sunday too.  I'm not eating any food all day tomorrow until dinner.   I will be sweating my heart out on Monday and Tuesday at the gym for sure and that is my only hope of undoing the damage that undoubtedly will be done.