Exercise: 600
Today: 113.4 lbs
I'm mad at myself. I just had to have a brownie during the work day yesterday. I skipped my yogurt, but clearly that is not an equal trade. Then, after burning 600 cals at the gym I went out to eat and ate it all up plus some. I did well by not ordering an entree. I just got soup and salad but it's amazing how everything else just adds up. I had bread, one glass of wine and 2 potato skins. I wanted to order lava cake for dessert but knew that would be a no no. I at least had the common sense not to do that. Everyone was like, "Is that all you are getting?" when my soup came as my meal. I actually would have just been fine with the bread and appetizer 'tatoe skins but I had to get something. Good thing I did too. Our bill was $440 for eleven people and he and his friends are all into splitting the bill evenly no matter what everyone is ordering. My soup and salad was only $10 and one girl got like 4 drinks. How is that fair? Anyways, it was a 7:30pm dinner which is late. I've pretty much decided that even if I save up cals and plan around it that's just too late for dinner especially on a week night when I'll be going home and straight to bed. In those cases I will not order an entree. It's not hard to still do a lot of damage but at least that's something. I didn't gain. I dropped .2 but I'd probably be in the 112's again right now but for that horrible dinner. Usually, I'd have come home and had a light dinner and been good but going out to dinner blew that one. What was the occasion? Hubby's friends wanted to get together for Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday I guess. And boy was it ever. My gym efforts basically went down the toilet. That is my highest calorie count in I can't remember how long and I feel like such an oinker right now.
This may sound totally lame but I am going to keep a Tupperware container at work for those free food days when I want the free food and don't want to miss out on it but would rather eat that free food at home or the next day when I can better work it into my calorie budget. It's totally ridiculous that I can't just skip it and be done with it. But, since I can't seem to do that then I can eat the free food on MY terms and not let it blow my plans. No one will have to see me tucking it away for later or taking it home and think I'm a total weirdo. Hey, whatever works.
I went #2 four days in a row!! Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Totally and completely awesome!! Thank you Fiber 1! It's funny that twice now during the last week the new "other" scale is 1 tenth higher then the new "main" scale. It's only a 10th but that NEVER happens. I've got my food all entered into my calorie tracker for today. There are still brownies left from yesterday and at most I will just cut out a bite to get that taste but other then that I'm sticking to the plan that should put me in the 800's for today. I really really want to get back into the 112's again. I was there too. After the weekend I was up again and these last two days at the gym were supposed to put me back there and then I just had to blow it at dinner. I will say that I am proud of myself for continuing to maintain under 114 for about a month now. Never in a million years did I believe that was possible.
RANDOM THOUGHTS
- Anybody watch that show I Used To Be Fat? Is it mean that I still think most of them still are? One said she got down to a size 12 but I think she still has aways to go. It seems like a lot of people on those weight loss shows lose weight but they won't ever be skinny. The sad thing for a lot of them is that loose skin issue too. I can't imagine how difficult that would be if I worked so hard to lose 100 lbs and was still overweight and/or had loose skin.
- There have been so many TV shows focusing on the drama of weight loss and all kinds of eating disorders lately. One Big Happy Family, Freaky Eaters, What's Eating You, Dance Your Ass Off, Heavy, Too Fat for 15, Ruby, Shedding for the Wedding, The Biggest Loser, Thintervention, and Heavily Ever After just to name a few. Right now overweight folks are cleaning up in the reality TV market and eating disorders of all kinds are popular show material. I don't watch all of those but I enjoy watching most of them.
- I am reading an anorexic's recovery blog. She is in the process of doing therapy and group eating sessions to try to get back on track and gain. She posted a picture and I was shocked to see that I am actually thinner then her. She was wearing leggings and her thighs were looking very full and I couldn't believe that her doctors were still pushing her to gain weight AND that she is that size considering she is on a very structured meal plan that includes absolutely no junk and has to be fairly low calorie. She's been posting her daily meals and it doesn't look like that much. How much weight do they want these girls to gain?
- On this other recovering anorexic blog the girl has gained a lot of weight to the point where someone actually thought she was pregnant. My thing is, how do you go from anorexic and being a thin girl to having a fat stomach? I think it's great that she recovered and had stopped worrying about food and weight. I wish I could stop worrying about food and weight myself. But, I just don't get how you could then go so far the other way. Recovery is no reason to get a gut although preferable to being ill of course.
- I read a lot of ED recovery blogs anonymously because I really don't feel like I belong in that category and sort of feel bad for being some sort of obsessive dieter when they have serious and real issues that they are trying to recover from. I'm sort of in between and feel like I don't really fit anywhere. I read one blog and the blogger claims to be in recovery but is so super scary skinny she can't be eating much and posts tons of pictures of herself. She used to be even thinner. I am fascinated.
- I am thinking that ED's are similar to alcoholism for some. There are some who can't even dabble in eating disordered behavior a bit without going too far into the extreme and becoming ill. Similar to how alcoholics can't even have one drink ever or risk relapsing. Then, there are others who can walk that fine line without going over the edge. I feel that I am one of those. Granted, I do sometimes get concerned about if I'm getting enough nutrients since my calories are lower then what is considered healthy, but for the most part I feel that I am. If I were one of those people who had a serious ED and was in therapy and all that jazz I'm sure doctors would be concerned about my weight and want me to gain but because I don't have an ED and I can walk that fine line that isn't an issue for me at all.
- My big sister says that 128 is too thin for her body. I said to my hubby that my sis and I are the same height. If 128 is too thin for her what does that make me? He said anorexic.
- I was thinking of switching to a different calorie tracker with a better food database. I played around with the one my sister uses and when I tried to enter my weight and height it would not accept it. The thing told me that my weight was too low for my height and that I needed to seek medical attention. Guess I won't be using that one!!
Hey love, don't I know the feeling of too much food! But, you're right to feel good to yourself about maintaining under 114 for a month - that's incredible! xx
ReplyDeleteYou did good, it's really hard to eat low cals when eating out, your options are usually pretty limited at restaurants.
ReplyDeleteThe tupperware idea made me smile, free food is a temptation I think you have a great idea by saving it for when you can have it on your terms.
I've only seen I used to be fat once and I shared the same thought as you... at the end the show I was like what is going on here? How can the show end now?! There is still weight loss to be had!
i think with recovery your weight depends on how long you were sick. I've read that it can take up to a year for someone's body to adjust back to a normal/what is considered healthy weight.
~ H
About gaining after anorexia: When you get down to a very low weight and then have to gain you eat a lot. I would eat around 4,000+ calories and gained weight slowly after a period of deficit. Then you have a huge appetite as your stomach has expanded. And everyday after the binge you feel guilty, I feel guilty, how could I let myself eat so much when I used to be so strong. Plus doctors like to see you at the top of the average bp... whereas the low is where we look ideal.
ReplyDeletethank you for your kind words on my struggle :) it's very helpful to have your support.
ReplyDeletehaha...free food! every friday my company buys lunch and has for the past 7 yrs! b4 it was always pizza and greek salad. i would eat it 99.9% of the time but then when i started the losing weight i convinced myself that it was making me sick. then they recently changed it to soup and sandwiches (on rollups or focaccia bread...killer!) good thing i had a solid change under my belt and have yet to give into the free food bonanza!
not sure if this will help but see if you can change your mindset on the fact that it's free. i found that change to my thought process and the fact that all but one of the people i work with are fat was motivation enough. seeing them flock to the kitchen sickens me.
ps...i secretly luv to hear my husband call me anorexic :/
Whoa! What calorie tracker was that? D=
ReplyDeleteI actually like "Dance Your Ass Off," but I really like dancing in general. I don't really watch any TV anymore, anyway, but when I did I thought that show was kind of cute. At the same time, though, I was glad I never let myself get THAT bad.
<3
I started following your blog about a month ago and I find your posts really relatable and interesting. I first developed anorexia when I was 12 and was severely anorexic up until I went into treatment aged 15. You bring up interesting points and questions about anorexics getting overweight and I’d like to share the initial struggles I had (and I think lots of people have) with self control and weight gain when first going into recovery.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was anorexic I felt totally in control of my body and my life because I was able to follow daily food and exercise routines, my whole life revolved around those routines. When I eventually decided to accept help I was told I needed to gain weight immediately if I wanted to be treated as an outpatient. I was terrified of being one of those sick, pathetic girls lying in a bed with a tube up my nose and if you are under 18 most ED clinics will only treat you as an inpatient if you are below a certain weight. I agreed to reach an acceptable BMI so I could be treated long term as an outpatient. I had given three years of my life to my body and I had reached a stage where I wanted to get better, I wanted to be able to live a real life again opposed to the fraction of a life I had as an anorexic.
I stopped exercising and was eating about 2,000 calories a day which was EXTREMELY hard after eating no more than 1,000 calories a day for over three years! While I acknowledged I needed to gain weight I refused to eat any foods that I considered ‘unsafe’ (chocolate, ice cream, lollies, chips etc.) because I still wanted SOME control over my eating. After about a week of this I weighed myself and I had only gained 0.2kg so I thought I would try eating some ‘unsafe’ foods just for a taste…that’s when everything went to shit. I hadn’t eaten junk food for over three years, I felt like a junkie that had been clean for three and a half years and taken drugs again… I couldn’t stop. It was like a switch had flipped, I ate everything and anything in sight, I ate to the point where I would be physically sick and I was so, so miserable. I had totally lost control and gone from one extreme to another. I gained about 15 kilos over the course of a few months and had a really serious binge eating problem that eventually led to a terrible battle with bulimia. I was fat, I had no control over myself and I felt betrayed by the people who had told me that life without my anorexia would be better.
In short, I think I got fat at the beginning stages of my recovery because I had no idea how to eat properly. I only knew how to eat to lose weight and because I was told to gain weight quickly the only other way I knew to eat was to gorge myself, there was no balance. I am extremely against the way some doctors force patients to gain weight at a rapid pace because when you’ve been starving yourself for so long you can’t help but go into a state of hysteria. In my opinion, for both weight gain and loss to be successful it needs to be SLOW so people can adjust to their new eating habits without feeling the need to starve or binge.
I’m now 19, I’ve lost the weight I gained and even although it’s taken me a long time, these days I am back in control of my eating and avoid binge and purge incidents by identifying and avoiding ‘trigger’ foods. My eating is still disordered, I don’t think I will ever have a normal attitude towards weight, eating and exercise but I have come SO far from where I was. I still have a long way to go and I hope one day I can reach a stage where my happiness isn’t reliant on a number on the scale.
@imogen
ReplyDeletei definitely relate to you, although i went through a case of mild anorexia, i'd say, if there is such a thing, for about 3 months and my friends and teachers started to attack me. i maintained my weight over the summer and in about october i lost all control. i need my control back.
Hey, I have literally just started following your blog about 2 minutes ago! I love the way you write, it is so accessible and easy to relate to!
ReplyDeleteHow tall are u? i'm intrigued by the comment about your sister thinking 128 is underweight!
@Zane.. I went through "mild anorexia" at the end of 6th form, and am now 20 and at uni, and am struggling to regain control! I am up from 112lbs to 125lbs and I want to get back! xx
Tupperware-ing the free food sounds like an awesome idea! not lame at all. Yesterday a co-worker cleaned up at a bake sale and brought it all in to us. I really wanted a cookie, but not then, so he wrapped it up for me. I ate it for breakfast today with my coffee.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand when people want to split a bill evenly. I'm sorry, but I don't want to pay for something I didn't eat. If I shared an app I'd put my money in for it, but some chick's drinks? no way.