Baby Fever

Th: 890 Cals, 250 Exercise
Fri: 110.8 lbs

Hubby stood me up for lunch yesterday.  Well, basically he forgot and when I e mailed him at 5 till he said no he had a headache and might leave early.  I wasn't too upset considering I didn't want to eat lunch anyways.  I had already prepped by eating just the Fiber 1 for breakfast and all I had aside from some Frito's...which I can't seem to bring myself to eat...was a Fiber 1 bar so that was all I ate that day.  I didn't have an actual lunch like I'd planned and I so badly just wanted to keep driving when I saw the gym on my right but I didn't.  I went and suffered through 30 minutes on the Elliptical.  I truly only work out to burn calories and eat.  That's probably why it feels like such drudgery.  In addition to the fact that I only have a few hours a night to myself after work and I hate that I have devote any of them to the gym.  I came home and had two yummy cheese casadilla's.  I did the snack dinner thing for two days in a row so I figured it was time to eat a proper meal.  I felt guilty that hubby had no food so I made him some tuna.  First time I've ever made it.  Today I made it out of 112's and beyond.  Or should I say below.  I've gone up and down but stayed below my goal range high.  I was so freaked out at first but maintenance seems to be working out so far.  I was so busy at work that I didn't get around to too much munching today so I'm ready for the St Patty's get together we are going to tonight.  Hubby was really pushing for lunch today since we didn't yesterday but I was like HELL NO not happening with a social event later the same day.

BABIES
We're at that age when all of our friends are starting to get pregnant.  There are two wives in our circle of friends who are recently pregnant and all they want to talk about is maternity clothes and morning sickness.  Then, once the child is here they'll talk of nothing else and we all have to ooh and aah over it.  It's so annoying.  Why does everyone and their mama think that having a baby is the end all be all most wonderful thing in the world?  Why is the prospect of basically giving up your own life and spending all of your money on someone else that you will have to take care of for the rest of your life such a great thing?  I'm just annoyed because I don't want it for myself when everyone else does.  That's the root of it.  I went to college, I bought a house and I got married like everyone else.  I wanted all those things.  Now, I'm at the point where the popular thing that everyone else does isn't something I desire.  I wish I did sometimes.  I feel left out and because I can't identify with this innate need to be a mother I'm annoyed by it.  Which is totally my problem and I get that but I still can't help it.  On the one hand I'm glad that my life will still be my own, I won't be broke paying for a child's piano or gymnastics lessons and college tuition, my body will not be ruined and I'll get to sleep and have unlimited freedom.  On the other hand, I do recognize the beauty and wonder of what it is to bring a life into the world, nurture them, and know that this person is there because of you.  That this person is a part of you.  My sister dearly loves her little boy and he is so sweet and precious.  Not having kids means that I'll never have that feeling of looking at my very own child that comes from me and my husband.  I'll never have that pride in watching them learn and grow.

When someone says they want to have a baby no one asks them why.  But when you say you do not want to have a baby not only do they ask why but they are shocked.  You'd think it would be the other way around.  Shouldn't you question and scrutinize the decision to bring another human life into the world more then the decision not to?  

There are plenty of people who don't love being a mom but I don't think a lot of people want to admit to that.  So, women go into it blindly just because they think it's what they are supposed to do and everyone claims it's just so dang wonderful and some find out that it's not all it's cracked up to be.  Like my sister.  I think she has a love hate relationship with her baby.  Totally normal.  There are lots of relationships with a love hate dynamic that might break up because of it but you can't just "break up" with your child.  You are stuck.  My nephew cries and cries.  Her whole life is totally consumed with baby this and baby that.  She IS her baby.  She hasn't left the house since Monday (she is a stay at home mom which is lucky for her).  She is going to have a hysterectomy soon because her fibroids got so big during pregnancy and her and her husband are broke.  And this is just the beginning.  She won't be taking any trips or be shopping for the foreseeable future.  She says, on TV it doesn't look this hard.  I'm not surprised to hear her say something so childish.  She can be immature and rash at times.  Coupled with the fact that her husband is a dud she has a long haul ahead of her.  She could have given this all more thought.  Duh.  She loves her baby though and once they are here that is what you are supposed to do regardless of how hard it is sometimes.

Maybe it's petty that I want to be able to shop, buy things for the house and enjoy life but that's reality.  Unless you are rich.  I'm not saying that having money makes being a mom easy and that you are just going to have an easy time raising your child but there are plenty of things you can "throw" money at to ease the burden.  Like a nanny or a housekeeper.  You could afford to stay home and not work.  You will have money and the ability to do things you want AND still provide for the kid.  Your kids can have the best of everything and you won't have to break your back to provide for them.  You can move to a bigger house and afford to buy Jenny Craig food or a personal trainer if you need to so you can get back in shape.  You have access to all of these things that will alleviate stress and anxiety and make life smoother for you and your child.  If I were rich I'd probably be right on board and pro create like everyone else.  I know they say you never have enough money but the truth is some people really don't have enough money for kids and probably shouldn't have had any.  There are plenty of poor and happy families out there but that life is not for me.  I'm not so sure I could be happy.  It is not an easy road and I simply do not want that struggle for myself.  And what about those angry and overstressed moms?  Those families who are torn apart and in misery from the struggle to keep food on the table or working all the time and never get to see their kids.  If I had a child I'd want to stay home to take care of it but financially I don't think that would be possible.  I can't imagine working all day AND coming home and being a mother.  Child care costs alone can be crippling.  There are people who make less then us that have a couple kids.  I can't even imagine!!  I can't even afford to take ballet lessons myself let alone afford them for a child.  Trips for two can be expensive let alone a family. You have extra airfare and food and might need extra hotel space.  Our grocery shopping budget for the month is $300 for just the two us.  How much would that cost us if we had a kid?  Our house has 3 bedrooms but if we had a child I would want a bigger one.  I'd want them to have things and not have to always say we can't afford it.  I'd want to be able to contribute to their college education and not just tell them to get a loan. 

Ever since my nephew was born about 7 months ago I've been struggling a little bit with baby fever more then I ever had before.  I've been feeling this yearning desire to have a cute one of my own and also anger at not just knowing that I wanted it like everyone else.  Slowly but surely I am coming to peace with my decision not to have one.  I see what my sister goes through.  I don't want that.  I can't have children based on possible future feelings of regret.  I am terrified of gaining 30+ lbs and I don't want to be broke and chronically worn out.  I just don't have the energy or the desire to take on all of that.  Maybe I am petty and selfish but that's how I feel and it's better that I am considering them rather then glossing over it.  I'd rather realize that for whatever reasons kids aren't for me BEFORE I have them then after the fact.  If I'm as hesitant as I am there must be a reason for it. I never REALLY wanted any so I probably shouldn't.  Hubby wants kids even less then I do so that's that.