Yesterday: Cals-1,126, Exercise-250
Today: 113 lbs
A new recent low. I like it. It was another in and out day at the gym yesterday. I need to get some stretching in on Saturday because I didn't do any. I ate two servings of my casserole after the gym instead of one. I'm not really sure why. Hubby kind of indicated he was getting sick of it and I really didn't do my share of eating it. I don't want it to go to waste and it actually is pretty nutritionally sound. I did get a little anxious but I did my sit ups before bed and hoped for the best. Today's happy hour got cancelled and I was so, so happy about that. Every food challenge for this weekend that I was worried about except the Super bowl got cancelled. We are having some light pastries and fruit for a co worker good bye party today which shouldn't be too much to handle. Just a tiny piece will do.
Losing weight is such a high. The only other high I can equate with weight loss is shopping (especially when I get good deals). Losing weight makes me happy. There are times when I am so tired of obsessing about every single bite and stepping on the scale fifty million times a day. Times when my body won't cooperate, I feel fat, and losing weight feels like pulling teeth. Times when I wish I were not this obsessed and that I could just be "normal." Then there are those other times when I am on a roll and enjoy seeing subtle changes in my body when the numbers on the scale drop. Times when I take joy in the fact that I am skinny. Yes, I will say it. I am skinny. People tell me I am "so skinny." Why the hell can't I just believe it for myself for a change? If I don't acknowledge it how will I ever allow myself to enjoy it? Even if that enjoyment is tempered by fear of gain. Back in 2004 when I got to 110 I was miserable. For one, I did it by mostly starving and avoiding "real" food so I felt like crap most of the time. I refused to allow myself to take any pleasure in it because it still wasn't good enough for me. I was so depressed that not being sick enough to be admitted into a hospital somehow felt like failure. I won't make that mistake again. First of all I have bills to pay. I don't have time for the hospital. Secondly, if I'm in a hospital how can I enjoy being skinny? I have to acknowledge, comprehend and accept that I am skinny because at this moment I know that it must be true. My clothes are baggy and I am only 3 lbs away from my lowest weight ever. It has to be true. I need to say it now while I can because in the blink of an eye it could all be gone. Next week my body might decide it's had enough of cooperating with me and then tell my metabolism to quit. The numbers could start rising and along with it my misery. So, while things are working in my favor I need to acknowledge that I am skinny. That I have worked hard to get here. And enjoy it. I am not the skinniest. There are others who weigh far less and look much thinner then I ever will. Some of them don't even have to make an effort like I do which is absolutely not fair but it makes my victory even sweeter. I have defied my body and won. Yes, it is a win. I may not be grossly underweight but I still technically am and I did reach a goal of 114 that I set for myself then exceeded it. However fleeting.
On the one hand I tell myself that in the big scheme of things being thin is not all that important. I know that my health and so many other things matter above all else. Then, there are all of these shows like Heavy and I Used to be Fat about people who so desperately want to lose weight. Why? So they can be happy and change their life. By golly being thin does matter!! I see these fat overweight bodies with stomachs hanging down in the locker room at the gym and on those TV shows and I think to myself. My goodness. How can they live like that? That is what fat looks like. I'm nowhere close. Being thin gives me what so many people are after. That gives me a high. That is what keeps me going sometimes when I feel like giving up. I need to be thin. I keep hoping that someday I won't care but in the meantime this is how it is.
Yes you ARE skinny!! :)
ReplyDeleteCongrats on being so tiny...I'm so jealous! I hope to join you in skinny land sometime in the not so distant future.
~MLM
it's wonderful to "hear" your acknowledge what we see in your pics! stay this upbeat and you'll be able to maintain the weight you want...no doubt!
ReplyDeleteIt's awesome that you've made the realization! And this post was so inspiring. I am so happy for you!!
ReplyDeleteI think you're such an inspiration for making the point that it is possible to loose weight and still maintain a grip on reality. Sometimes I wish I could lock myself away and spend all day at the gym or not eating. but when you have work and responsibilities it's impossible to do that.
ReplyDeleteyou shoul dbe really proud of yourself for coming this far, you are thin and that is fantastic. But from reading your blogs I really get the impression that you want to be healthy and thin. Not punish yourself and starve yourself to death. Thats what I want too. Hopefully we'll find the day when calorie counting is a thing of the past, but until then I really enjoy reading your posts.
xx
I loved this post so much, for many reasons. I'm glad you are enjoying being thin, because what use is all the effort if it doesn't improve your life?
ReplyDeletebeing thin does matter. I see my overweight coworkers applying for gastric bypass, unhappy because they can barley walk, looking sickly and not taking care of themselves (UMMMM one lady said in passing she doesn't brush her hair or bother with makeup, she just doesn't care how she looks anymore), commenting on how they can't loose weight, it really is sad. I know there are happy overweight people but the ones I work with, their weight is such a burden.
~ H
I'm glad you made that realization. this post was so inspiring. And I totally agree with you that losing weight is such a high. When you step on the scale and see that number drop, it's a rush of happiness that I find in few other places. lovely post, <3RaeLynn
ReplyDelete