114.0 [Week 7, Day 45] Goal Weight!!

Monday-Cals:  992, Exercise:  550, Net:  442 (115)
Tuesday-Cals:  887, Exercise:  550, Net:  337 (115)
Today-114!!!!!!!

My ipod shut down on me right when I stepped onto the Elliptical Monday night.  I thought, "How am I going to get through this work out?"  I always thought I would just leave if something like that ever happend but not that night.  It was my sweat day at the gym and I needed to burn those calories.  So I did.  I went again on Tuesday night.  I should have been watching the presidential state of the union address but am a little ashamed to admit that I was watching Ru Paul's Drag show instead!  Hey, whatever gets me through the work out.  I had a sandwich and FF Pringles for dinner and still felt hungry but was really too tired to care. 

The main scale.  Goal Reached!!!

The second scale. 

As you can see I have a screwy scale situation going on at home.   I absolutely did not expect to see my goal weight this morning.   I feel happy about this but as always wary so it was a bit anticlimactic.  Maybe I am still in disbelief.  I have not been this weight since November of 2009 afterall.  When I entered my new weight into Lose it my calorie budget immediately flipped from 854 to 1847 for maintenance.  Yeah right!  If I did that I'd be right back up to 120 in 1/8th of the time it took me to lose it.  Maintenance is scary because you don't have that anxiety driven motivation of some horrible high number whipping at your back.  I feel like any little mistake could blow what I have worked for.  That will have to be my new motivation.  My goal was to get to 114 but then maintain at 116 and under.  This is only the 2nd time I've ever actually had a goal weight in mind in all of these years of disordered eating.  The first time it was actually less of a goal then a curiosity, but I wanted to see if I could get to 110.  I did.  This time around I was more goal oriented then I've ever been.  I don't really like having weight loss goals.  It's just too much pressure.  Being 120 and feeling so out of control freaked me out to the point where I decided on one and did it. 

I was so impatient at the beginning.  I wanted it so fast and was so frustrated when I was stuck in the 118 range for so long.  Six pound in 45 days/7 weeks.  That's only an average of .85 lbs a week.  Less then stellar but at least I didn't give up.  Slow and steady is better in the end.  I gave myself until March 1st to get here.  Usually, I am a wilting mess when my weight gets this low but I feel normal.  I am not weak.  I am just my usual I don't feel like being at work tired.  I did it with food instead of without.  What a concept!!  In the past 45 days my highest calorie total ever was 1527 and my low was 744.  I only got in the 1500's that one day (Christmas!!) and other then that the other highs were around 1300's and that accounted for very few days.  I was overwhelmingly in the 800's average.  Towards the end I did have more 900's days.  Gym and workouts have been consistently 2X per week.  And that's it.  I'm not going to be perfect.  I wasn't always perfect but I was mostly consistent.  So now what? I could be up again tomorrow for all I know.  The most important thing for me right now though is that I got here.  I feel confused, nervous and at a loss now that I met my goal.  I know the fight is far from over though. My body could turn on me at any time and my willpower could be gone quicker then I can reach for a french fry. All it takes is one vacation, one party, one moment of weakness to ruin everything.  I just know I don't want to be out of control and 120 again.  Even 119 is too terrible.   Clearly this is not my "natural" set point weight so we shall see. 

My cords are so baggy!  Mostly in the buttocks area.  It's so odd how a smaller body takes up less space in places that I don't really feel like I can see with my own actual eyes when I look in the mirror.  Looking at my body I don't know if I can see that much of a difference.  I either think I look the same or fatter.  My clothes all fit me up to 125 at least...that I know for sure anyways.  They start to loosen up at 118 so right about now I'm swimming in 'em.  I have a food challenge on Friday.  A happy hour.  Then next weekend there are food challenges all weekend.  Friday happy hour, Saturday passion party (basically a sex toy party for women!) and Sunday Super Bowl Sunday with the family.  OMG!!!!!!!!!  All I can do is my best.

HW: 150, bmi 23.5 [1995]  
LW: 110, bmi 17.2 [2004]

SW: 120, bmi 18.8 [12/13/10]
GW: 114, bmi 17.9 [03/01/11]

120 (18.8)   -   12/13/10
119 (18.6) [X] 12/14/10
118 (18.5) [X] 12/22/10
117 (18.3) [X] 01/11/11
116 (18.2) [X] 01/11/11
115 (18.0) [X] 01/12/11
114 (17.9) [X] 01/26/11

Bust=32.5"
Waist=24.5"
Hips=33.5"

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Thank you so much to everyone who reads this blog for your support during these last 45 days.  There were times I felt like such a fat loser but reading your blogs and your comments really helped me to feel better and like I could do it.  If I were to post my calorie count in a non eating disordered blogging community there would be shock and dismay I imagine.  This is a side of me that I can't speak about to most people because although I'm not a hospitalized anorexic I also know I am not quite normal.  I am so secretive about what I eat and what I weigh but here my behavior is normalized.  We all know it's not normal but we also know how little choice we have in this matter and we accept it for what it is.  And we accept each other. 

Questions:
DressageWoman: How tall are you? How long did it take you to go from there [150] to here?
I'm 5'7" and the time period between my high weight and where I am now was gradual and happened over a number of years.  It was not an overnight thing at all and I didn't even have a goal on where I wanted to be when I started.  It was more like an experiment.

Harlow B: I'm curious what was your body like when you were 150? where did you carry most of your weight? and did you notice a huge change at all in your legs between 150 and 116? 
I always carried my weight evenly and it was all muscle.  I was athletic, straight, with broad shoulders.  My legs have changed a lot.  My legs are definitely smaller and I'm sure I have lost a lot of muscle tone although they are still toned.  And of course the all important thigh gap.  I never used to have legs that did not touch from knee to thigh.