118.5 [Day 9] Money Woes

I just re did my budget.  It's pretty bad.  Sometimes I get so down about having that condo.  It's not the only debt that feels like a monkey on my back though.  I also have a student loan that I (stupidly) co signed on for my ex and the timeshare we have together.  I can live with the timeshare as it will be paid off in the not so distant future.  We have to share it but at least I have something to show for it.  The student loan on the other hand is something I try not to think about because every time I do it weighs heavily on me that it will be hanging over my head for a long, long time.  The ex has no intention of paying it off any time soon and will defer the heck out of it as long as he can.  I don't pay it but if the ex ever dies or doesn't pay it when it's out of deferment they will come after me with a quickness.  It's already happened once.  The balance is 10k or so by now but it started out around 6k and just keeps growing because of interest.  I so wish I had been smart enough to insist that I be discharged in order to grant the divorce.  That's what I get for always trying to be so "nice."

The condo is another long time burden.  The market is down but even when it recovers I worry that no one will want to buy such a ridiculously small place. What was I thinking?   It has no amenities to speak of and the neighborhood is sketchy.  I might be stuck with it forever!   Having a rental property certainly doesn't turn a profit and it's about to cost me a lot more money.  We gave my tenant until tomorrow to walk away with no court charges.  They put the pay or quit notice on her door Dec 12th so I am getting the feeling that even with that on the table she has not intention of going anywhere.  So, I will have no choice but to have the property management company proceed with the eviction process which costs about $850 bucks.  The only plus is that they know what they are doing and will handle everything.  Meantime, I have to carry the $750 mortgage on my own until I can get her out, get the place cleaned up and get someone else in there.  My recent promotion helps but doesn't cover the spread.  After taxes it's an additional $350 per month.  On top of that debacle I have a flat tire.  Hubby and I carpooled to work today and I have to find out if it can be patched or not.    I would have simply fallen apart in the old days with the stress of all of this before I met hubby. Now, I don't have to figure out how to deal with the tire and everything else in my life alone.  

Financially, I've been feeling OK up to now.  We made it through home buying and did the wedding and honeymoon without debt.  We are slowly rebuilding our joint savings.  I have a budget in place that has allowed for enough misc money for me to be able to buy things for the house, clothes here and there and happy hours with friends without too  much stress.  I'd stopped fretting about every single dime and having a meltdown if I went shopping.  I don't use credit cards for more then I can pay off each month so there are limits of course.  I have to buy one thing at a time and can't always afford what I want but that's life and I can accept that.  With my current no tenant situation that's totally changing.  The stressful thoughts about money are catapulting back.  That feeling of just wanting to buy a damn $25 shirt but not having the money for it brings back all of those old feelings of being so miserable, trapped and limited.  The weight of the world always felt like it was on my shoulders.  My income was low and when any unexpected expenses came up it sent me into a whirlwind of stress, sadness, and depression.  This led to thoughts of how much I hate my life and myself for not being able to do better financially.  For allowing myself to be in that situation in the first place.  Then I would focus on my fat body and my overall mediocrity and it just went downhill from there.  I felt I had nothing and life was just so hard.  It was.  I felt so beat down and defeated everytime something bad happened.  I was lonely and without prospect to do all that much better financially life just seemed like a long limiting and horrible nightmare.  Well, it sucks that I am going to be super broke again but I am coping so much better with hubby in my life.  At least I have him.

I managed to skip dinner last night 'cause hubby went out with friends.  I ate cheese, apple and candy.  I'm hanging in there at 118.5 but I'm right at the edge of gaining and feel like it won't ever go down.  My hunger is insatiable.  I'm wearing my size 2 cords today and at least they still fit.  I watched more youtube ed video's last night and then started taking pics of myself so I could analyze my body. I've been debating on if I want to post them here.  I feel so huge.  I look horrible.  My thighs and butt are just disgusting.  My boobs feel so heavy on my chest.  I am just aware of them all the time.  I am feeling more critical of my body then I have in a really long time.  Just 8 months ago I wanted to loose more but I felt overall satisfied with my body.  Everyone said I was skinny and I knew I wasn't fat.  Well, not anymore.

I am going to keep tracking calories but but them all into one weekly post so I can see it all in one place.