118.5 [Day 8] Can't Stop Stuffing My Face

SWEET TOOTH
I have a major sweet tooth.  I've known this to be true but that fact is magnified even more lately because I am seeing how I can hardly get through the day without eating something sweet.  I am craving candy and sweets all the time.  Part of the problem is that I'm hungry.  When I get hungry I start looking for something to satisfy me but that won't fill me up.  I guess it's sort of my way of "tricking" the scale.  A piece of chocolate here and there is not heavy enough to move it up.  When I am ravenous neither will eating carrots or a serving of fat free candy fill me up but I will be way more satisfied mentally by choosing the sweets because I feel as though I indulged.  It helps.  A little.  I remember a time when I practically subsisted on peanut m & m's.  I think it was Halloween when I had a mini snack pack and became addicted.  I replaced any food with peanut m & m's because I simply couldn't spare the calories to eat both.  One had to go.  Those were my skinny days too.  I somehow managed to make it work.  I don't feel good about eating all this junk so I really need to make an effort to curb that.

Saturday I was so hungry.  We didn't eat breakfast and we were out running errands.  At around 2:30pm I made a hunger impulse buy of Mike & Ike's.  I wasn't going to be the one to suggest eating although I kept hoping hubby would 'cause I was dying.  He broke first of course but when we went to the food court I couldn't bring myself to order a thing.  There was Baja Fresh, Italian, Panda Express, IHOP Express and even Subway. The odors of all kinds of delicious foods were swirling around me.  I was starving and wanted nothing more then to chow down on something to make the pit of pain in my stomach go away but I held out.  Instead I had some of hubby's fries.  He also gave me two bites of his burger which I did not include in my calorie count...so sue me.  It's bittersweet.  I felt sad that I couldn't just sit there and eat but glad that I was finally able to exercise some willpower.  I did just OK at the holiday luncheon on Friday.  The homeade tortilla was to die for.  I ate too many tortilla chips and the majority of my food but packed up some.   I was thrilled that I didn't gain.  I felt lucky and didn't want to blow it.

BROKE
It was really a bummer being at the mall and broke.  I've finally gotten to a point where if I want to buy something for $30 bucks or whatever I can and it would typically be in the budget and not cause me to have a melt down over it either.  Thanks to my shady tenant I'm having to find an extra $580 dollars so I can't buy a damn thing.  I so badly wanted this really cute sweatshirt at H & M that had a fuzzy lining inside.  It was Pink too but I had to walk away.  Earlier this month I bought stuff for the house and Clinique make up all lah dee dah like and then bam!  Just like that I'm cut off.  Broke.

I felt like I stuffed my face all day on Sunday.  It may not look like it in my food log but that candy was spread out all day to the point where I felt like I was always just shoving something in my mouth.  I was JUST SO FREAKIN' HUNGRY.  Having candy in the house is terrible for me and I'm the one who usually buys it so I have no one to blame but me.  Hubby made 4 freakin' cakes and was baking all....day....long.  The tantalizing aroma of Cinnamon and nutmeg was in my nostrils torturing me all day which didn't help matters any. 

YOU TUBE MANIA
I watched eating disorder related you tube videos just about all day.  Later on I was doing crunches and leg lifts while I watched because I was so afraid I'd gain overnight.  I've got my weight conversions from stones and kilo's to pounds down.  It's interesting how different bodies carry weight differently and handle starvation at different rates.  Take two people of similar height.  One ends up inpatient by 110 and the other doesn't get to that point until double digits.  There was one chick who went inpatient in the 120's and I don't think she was any taller then about 5'6" or 5'7".  She never looked that thin, but apparently her body was ill.  Ana Carolina Reston dropped dead at about 5'10" 80 something pounds.  Such a sad story.  Not a twiggy model but gorgeous which apparently isn't good enough and in her efforts to comform to typical model proportions she died.   There was a you tube video of a girl who was about that but she looked way skinnier and seemed to be able to function at extreme lows anyways.  According to her you tube video she only started out at 120.  At 5'10" Her normal weight was already an anorexic weight so of course she ended up in double digits once she got an ED and didn't get hospitalized until then!  Some people are naturally slim and if they get an ED they probably are capable of loosing that much more weight thus reaching extreme levels.  That's just my excuse for being a failure and not ever managing to get to a super low weight.  At 110 I am scary skinny.  Even so my hip bones and pelvis never stuck out the way I wished they would.  Another body at the same height might not look like I look at 110 until they get to double digits.  Bodies are just different and mine just so happens to be fat.

I managed to loose a whopping 1.5 in a week.  More recently I could at least get down to 117.5 before too long just by restricting and last year I just sort of slipped below 118 without a thought.  In July 118 was my high even when I was eating more then I should!!  I really did gain weight.  I am really starting over here.  I kept screwing up before and I ran out of chances.  It's all my fault and it sucks.

Friday Eats:[1490]

• Dry Cereal (90), Coffee (50)
• Tortilla Chips (280), Kobe Beef (250), Rice (100), Tortilla (300)
• String Cheese (80), Wine (200), FF Candy (140)

Saturday [770]

• Fries (100)
• Tortilla (300), Beef (50), turkey slice (40)
• FF Candy (280)

Sunday [805]

• Eggbeater Omelet (190)
• Salad w/Veggies, Egg ( 265)
• FF Candy (250)
• Apple Sauce cake (100)