Circle of Friends

I don't really care about my weight right now.  Of course if I were 125 then I would care a hell of a lot and be pissed off and feeling like a fat cow but since I am in my reasonable range I am fine.  I even hung out at 118.5 for a while and didn't go crazy.  I think it's because I've seen my weight go as high as 120 and go back down.  The fear of not being able to lose the weight was as upsetting if not more then the number itself.  I gain and lose the same 3 lbs over and over again.  116-118.  Sometimes a little up and other times when I'm lucky a little lower.  That seems to be my general range.  Still on the low end of weight for my height.  Actually under, so that's good.

We are having people over for dinner on Saturday.  Hubby is in charge of the cooking 'cause if it were up to me I'd order in.  This was his idea and these are Hubby's friends of course 'cause I don't have any.  What friends I do have are a mish mash of people and we are more how can I put this...down to earth.  One of them is very large and downright ghetto so I already know not to invite her certain places.  We don't go out to pricey restaurants, order all kinds of expensive wine and then split the bill evenly.  We go to the local spot where the drinks are $3 during happy hour and use cell phone calculators to determine who owes what.  We don't have dinner parties.  I don't even know if I could invite them all in one place without it being weird and I can't imagine inviting them to blend with Hubby's friends.  Hubby's friends are this wonderful circle of seemingly well paid professionals that have annual bar b q's  and go biking together.  A lot of them work for the same pharmeceutical company.  Most of them are married or in relationships and when we go to their house they make things like salmon balls.  I am such a loner that the idea of having people over is mostly just exhausting to me.  A lot of work and expense.  We have to shop and clean and entertain and then do dishes and clean up.  I worry about people dropping food and spilling drinks in my clean house.  How awful is that attitude?  It really is no wonder I hardly have any friends. 

During the time that hubby was gone and leading up to my wedding I finally discovered what it felt like to have friends and a social life.  I made plans.  I had a group of girls to get together with.  I also made an effort 'cause I didn't want to be miserable and alone at home while hubby was gone.  Then he got back and the wedding planning started.  I got busy.  I started to see them less and less.  There was my bridal shower when everyone came over and it was like, "Wow, I actually do have some friends."  Not a lot but some-which is all I ever really wanted 'cause it's more about quality then quantity.  Now I feel like I haven't seen them since my wedding.  There are about 2 girlfriends that I have kept in touch with and have seen but by buddy C and his wife W or M have not been seen or heard from since my wedding.  V drifted away a lont time ago.  I didn't even invite him and his wife to the wedding.  They haven't called me and I haven't reached out to them.  It's kinda sad.  I feel bad but on the other hand it's a two way street.  They haven't called me either.

It takes so much effort to have friends.  They invite you places and you are obligated to go.  You have to make time on your weekends to hang out.  And geographically speaking that isn't always convenient.  I live out east and no one else does.  Work schedules and other obligations get in the way but if they are really your friend you make the effort.  I think that's why I don't have a lot of friends and that's probably for the best.  I'm not so sure I've done such a good job of making that effort.  On weekends I like to stay home and it saves gas not going back into town.  On the other hand when I read other blogs about women and all of their really good "besties" from college who have all this history and how they get together and are still close it makes me a bit sad.  I won't ever have that.  I will just tag onto hubby's friends to round out my social life.  His friend's wives are cool to chat with at gatherings but I don't see myself ever getting together with them outside of that.  And that is fine really.  They aren't exactly clamoring to be my friend either.

I've never been the popular type.  Never the cool outgoing girl with a large circle of friends.  Never the type that just needed to be surrounded by people and flurries of activity.  I did attain some level of popularity in high school when I landed on prom court.  That was so AWESOME by the way!  I'm not even sure how that happened.  Not even in blogland am I popular.  It's just my personality.  I'm a homebody not a social butterfly.  I am perfectly content keeping myself occupied at home in my pajamas.