Cereal Binge & Not Thin Enough

Here are some pics from my vacation.  My body could be worse.  I can't complain about it too much.  I hate my too big thighs and I hate it that I'm mostly straight and athletically built.  I would much rather have that long waist and outlined pelvis that you can see the shape of with hip bones that stick out.  I will never have hip bones like that because of the way I'm built.   And you can't make yourself grow.  People do think I am taller then I am but I'm just 5'7" which isn't short but it sure isn't tall.  Taller women look so much leaner even ones who aren't thinner then me.  That kind of tall long body looks so good in clothes which is why those folks get to be models.  I think what I really want is to be shockingly thin in appearance.  Not just run of the mill thin.  Perhaps not horrifyingly thin but thin enough that people think, "My god she's thin."  It would probably take at minimum another 10-15 pounds to get there and it's obvious that I 'aint got what it takes to do it.  It goes to show you  how nothing is ever good enough.  I thought it would make me happy to just be at the point where people considered me thin.  This happened and I get comments like "how thin you are."  Now I am not satisfied because I am not ultra thin.

I've been hanging out at 118 for most of the week.  How do I feel about that?  Not good, not bad, just indifferent.  Last weekend hanging out with my mom one day and my sis the other day made me gain even higher.  I ate a bit too much then I should have but not a lot at happy hour with mom Friday and then Saturday I had my cereal binge in the morning and actually didn't eat too much else that night.  Sunday morning I had an egg white omelet and was too full to eat but one small slice of pizza for dinner that night.  Not horrible but I did let myself get full which I wasn't supposed to do.  Over the week it went down and this is sort of where I have landed.  On Tuesday I got sick and I had no appetite for nothing.  I could only drink water and then when I did eat I could barely get down a half sandwich and some soup.  The next night I ate some ice cream but could only eat half.  I wish my appetite were like that all the time.  I'd be really thin and food wouldn't matter a single bit.  Of course being sick is hell and if I had to choose then I'd rather just be piggy old me then someone who is miserable and can barely make it through a work day.

I finally bought some cereal the last time we went grocery shopping.  It sat there for a while 'cause I was afraid of what might happen if I ate it.  Then, come Saturday binge I did! I start to eating it and it's so good.  Then I tell myself it's just bran flakes and milk.  Both incredibly healthy for you and I could use the fiber for my bowels and calcium for my bones.  Three bowls later I'm wondering why in the heck I just couldn't make myself stop. I've sort of resigned myself to this behavior.  We ran out of milk so I only got in one hearty bowl this morning so that's good.

I found out an ex boyfriend of mine has cancer.  One who sort of dogged me. I haven't called him yet but I will.  He texted this to me on Wednesday.  We don't normally talk.  We mostly just text here and there and I haven't seen him in a long time.  We have stayed in touch but he has been in a transitional phase in his life and stopped coming out when I'd invite him to our happy hour get togethers.  I think this warrants a phone call but it's just so awkward.  I don't know what to say to him.  But I know that if I am his friend I should call.  Not all the time.  I am a periphery person in his life these days and I'm sure he has friends that are offering support.  I really hope so at least.  I feel absolutely terrible for him.  It is just so sad.