I Refuse To Be Fat

I wake up and I am starving.  I pee and step on the dreaded the scale.  I have not exceeded 1075 calories this entire week.  Maybe today is finally the day for a breakthrough.  Nope.  That ugly number mocks me.  More of the same and all I can see ahead of me are days stretched out where I limit and restrict just so I can barely maintain at a weight that's higher then where I want to be.  Forcing myself to exercise to fight the pounds that threaten to overtake me every single day.  Days of more frustration.  More anger at myself for not doing better.  How long can I go on like this? Not loosing but not eating much either.  If my body refuses to budge then what am I doing all of this for? I am so tired of this.  I already know that I can't give up though.  It just isn't an option.  Getting much higher in weight then I am right now feels like the end of the world to me and even if I don't loose I've got to fight not to get any bigger.  I am so sad that this is where I have ended up.  It figures.  This has never come easy for me so I should have known the ease of just earlier this year really was too good to be true.  My metabolism must be so horribly slow and once that happens you are pretty much screwed.  You are fighting a loosing battle.

I've debated over whether or not to post this pic but decided to go ahead and do it. Here I am in all of my glory with anonymity preserved of course. With all of those skinnie minnies out there chances are no one will be impressed, but this is me. I've been thinner.  I'm not the thinnest of the thin and there is plenty of room for improvement but this is the body I am trying desperately to hold onto.  I need to be thin.  It's the only thing I really have that makes me feel even remotely special.  Some things I sadly accept.  Being perpetually broke because of my measly paycheck.  A loser job, all around mediocrity and pathetic ambition but I REFUSE TO BE FAT.